Playa Del Carmen Meets My Dad Bod

White. Sandy. Beaches.

The Boss has said these words over and over again when describing the ideal vacation. Last week we finally made it to the Atlantic side of Mexico, at a resort near Playa Del Carmen. As usual, the woman who acts as the Liahona or Director in my life guided us right (even if I never give heed or pay attention).

BTW - My slideshow is near the bottom if you don't want to read any of this fried froth. 

We stayed at Ocean Riviera Paradise, an all-inclusive resort. The beach was incredible. The first two days were surreal with crystal clear turquoise water. We Kayaked in the ocean, para-sailed and snorkeled.  While snorkeling, I came upon a school of fish that must have been in the thousands. If you'd just float, they would encircle you and it was absolutely beautiful to be surrounded by them. Later, we visited the Tulum Ruins and Xel-Ha park, and did cliff diving, an obstacle course, lazy river and snorkeled in the natural aquarium created by the seashore. Can't recommend it all enough. Outstanding. Vacation.

Of course, everything I just said is pseudo corporate propaganda. Now, my Horcrux will give you the uncensored takes on the rest of this trip.

• Fairly international crowd. Plenty of Americans but many visitors from all over the world. Created an interesting scene and way more Speedos on dudes than I would have liked. Also, many of the women there rocked the thong or g-string look and were surprisingly able to pull it off (although many didn't). My group seemed like a wandering Mennonite faction on vacation. Usually when I go to the beach its a reminder why most of us cover-up. But kudos to this crowd, they made me feel like crap. 
• All Inclusive resorts mean all food and drink are included with the cost of your stay. Unfortunately for those of us who don't do alcohol, I think I must have SORELY overpaid as liquor is usually the priciest thing on the menu. The food was surprisingly good with seven themed restaurants and was way better than the "Frat-style" all inclusive place I stayed at in Cabo which was mostly just about the drinks. The best was the incredulous reactions from the staff when you tell them you don't want Alcohol. I mastered the art of asking for drinks without booze. My favorite was the virgin mint mojito. 
• Be prepared to tip. A TON.  I haven't carried that much cash since my college days. Make it rain baby!!! 
  
• Dollars. In my dry climate, they just seem like paper, down there, they feel like wet cloth. Nothing like sweaty cash soaking a spot in your pocket. 
• Don't drink the flipping water. This includes ice.  The cliche is absolutely true. Fortunately, I got sick on the last day and didn't destroy the plane, but I'm now on day 3 of a stomach virus and I've lost any weight I gained... the hard way. IT BURNS!!! I think I got it from fruit or some salad, but what's done is done. Mexico giveth, and taketh away. 
• If you go in May, prepare to sweat. Constantly. I'm not a humidity person and I tried to enjoy it for what it was, but I was ready to come home to my dry climate and continue my wrinkly ways. 
• Pepsi Light is a sad replacement for Diet Coke. Don't even think about Diet Dew. The room service though I was strait insane when I asked for 4 Pepsi Lights to be delivered to my room. "No Tequila? No Beer?" The guy was stunned and just laughed the whole time. 
• The Breakfast of Champions? All-Bran with shredded coconut. The rest including the omelettes were too greasy. 
• The A/C in your room becomes this wonderful arctic lair to retreat to. I was actually relieved I need to get some work done here and there and hang out in the room. 
• I suck at sunbathing. I can't get an even tan (burn) and people just laugh when they see me with my shirt over my face like a dead beached whale. 
• Thanks to everyone being nearly naked, you feel like a perv just walking around. I can't seem to escape that creepy-middle-aged dude aura. 
• Mexican TV is utterly terrible. What can I say more? 
• By the end, I couldn't help the compulsion to speak in Spanglish constantly. I couldn't stop it until today. I'm like Buzz Light-year on Spanish mode when I go down there. I need Ramses or professional help. 
• This region is well known to spring breakers for wet t-shirt competitions, etc. I was hoping to find a dad-bod competition I could win. I currently have the perfect ratio of man-boob to gut and I know I would have nailed it. But apparently, its not a thing down there. And yes, Dad Bod is legit and some women love it: 

DAD BOD IS FOR REAL 

The best part about this trip? I feel totally refreshed. Curly from City Slickers was full of crap with this quote: 

“Y’all come up here about the same time with the same problems. You spend 50 weeks a year getting knots in your rope and you think 2 weeks up here will untie them for you. None of you get it.”

My Dwight side says - False. I do get it. My one thing Curly?

After working my tail off for a month prior to the trip, non-stop laziness was perfection. It also helps to have a Boss that does all of the planning. Division of Labor. Feeling it. All things circular.

If you read this far, you must be my mom, blood or one of the Mennonites that were there.

Or you could be suffering from the same diarrhea and have nothing better to read during your throne time. If that is the case, I feel your pain, but don't let it stop you from going back. Here are some photos from the trip:

The Vacation of Champions

As you know I avoid putting names on this blog so ask me on the side if you want to know who these lovely pale people are. Until next time, Via con queso!!

P.S.

"I told him I did not know what they called it, but I would give it a name; I will call it fried froth, or philosophy, just which you please." - Brigham Young

Letter to My Daughters as LDS Women

Girls,

After a wonderful road trip with Lizard, I realized I should be doing more to share with you my perspective on what a unique blessing it is be a Latter-Day Saint woman. I love each of you deeply and want you to live life to its full and have joy in it. Unfortunately, challenges are on the horizon for you. Much fuss has been made and will continue to be made over the role of women in our faith. You may hear that women are treated poorly as second class citizens, with no authority in the Church. Some may criticize the Church of valuing women only for their virtue and ability to bear children. Like breeding stock with no rights, purpose or genuine importance. This is a gross perversion of the doctrines contained within God's plan.

Some women, men and groups advocate for women to be ordained to the priesthood to compensate for these perceived injustices or to justify themselves in leaving the faith or indulging in sin. Perhaps one day you will struggle with this topic or feel like a second class citizen. If so, I'm sorry for your pain. I can appreciate why you might feel that way. But, I'd like to share some things with you that are unique to our faith regarding women and how they surpass all teachings I am aware of in any organized religion on the role, purpose and potential of women.

For me, these truths are an essential part of my testimony that God's plan exalts men and women as they become united in marriage and one with God. All blessings of this union being equal. What follows is my opinion as I understand the doctrine and how it applies to you:

• You, specifically as a female, are created in the image of God. Genesis 1:26-27 Our whole concept of God is unique in that we believe the only way to be like God is for a man and a woman to be sealed together, with the power to create life throughout eternity.  1 Cor 11:11, D&C 131:1-4, D/C 132:19-2, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, O My Father, v.3

• In Genesis, the verse says let us make man in our own image. This commonly is only thought to refer to Christ. But there is no such thing as God the Father without his wife or Heavenly Mother. Was she there and involved? I think so. Life is created in patterns as Genesis describes. I don't think Adam was an animated clay statue with life mystically brought into him. I think the Father and Mother consumed food from the earth they created and then brought forth Adam and Eve through the same basic process we know today.  So yes, you are literally a daughter of your Heavenly Mother.
• Why isn't this emphasized more? I don't know. My guess is that entering into this life is somewhat of a given and getting back to Exaltation is a male priesthood responsibility so the role of the Father and Son are emphasized.

• Women are divinely ordained to stewardship for the creation of life and nurturing it. We teach that when we left our first estate we passed through the veil into mortality to be tested Abr 3:25. This implies passing through the veil is to clothe the spirit with a physical body. Like a woman giving birth to a child. A favorite hymn teaches: veiled the Lord in flesh O God the Eternal Father, v.4. The ordinances of the temple clarify this further. We see that Eve naturally responded to the desire to create life as it was part of her eternal identity and purpose. But due to the fall, the Lord offers Himself a sacrifice for our sins. Through His power, bestowed to sons created in His image, the Priesthood work of Salvation -- to pass through the veil back into Exaltation is possible. 

• Hopefully you can now see how women and men fill necessarily separate, but absolutely essential roles. Both women and men are assisted by Jesus Christ to fill the measure of their creation. His atonement is symbolic of being born again by blood, water and the spirit; like a woman delivering a child. In birthing and raising children, women emulate Jesus Christ and become like Him and their Heavenly Mother. So naturally, men need a way to emulate or follow Him as well. This is done through priesthood service and why receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood is essential for exaltation to participate in the ordinances for the temple. 
• Women will become Queens and Priestesses NT Manual. To me this implies ruling, authority and the power of God (which cannot be without a unified man and woman). The power of God (man/woman) is just manifest in different ways. Daughters emulate their Mother, sons their Father or His Son. 
• Women cannot create life on their own. It requires union with a man. Now that I've discussed the sacred role of women, is it any wonder God (woman/man) wants this to happen between two souls prepared and sealed in the temple, committed to raising children in righteousness? To me, it is a plain a precious truth. A show of God's (man/woman) love for their children. Likewise, could we possibly expect men to carry out the work of salvation as Priesthood holders without participation and support from Women? Absolutely not. I think this is part of the reason why women help officiate in the temple and serve in relief society - in the pattern of Queens and Priestesses.    

• Many throughout the world in Egypt, India, South America and other religions and cultures have some concept of the Sacred Feminine as well as structures and practices that can be traced to the Temple... that were corrupted or changed over time from what God (woman/man) revealed to Adam. This is because Satan's main goal is our misery and to disrupt the work of Exaltation. What better way to do that, than to twist Men's roles as Priesthood holders into tyrants and then diminish and extinguish the knowledge of women's divine potential? Right there he has half the population slighted and abused with the other corrupted by power and greed. 

• Don't settle for the Devil's propaganda.

• Is it really all that much better to be a man in the Church? After all the stuff I just said, it should be clear the answer is no. But what about power and authority to run the church? All men are expected to listen and follow the counsel of their priesthood leaders the same way women are. Many men will never be the one calling the shots as the Bishop, Stake President or General Authority. Does that mean they weren't real men and a disgrace to the Priesthood. No! And IF they do wind up in those positions, they cannot campaign or buy their way in. They are called by inspiration and to serve those they have stewardship for. 

• Culturally, we have improved and will continue to do so. Please note this doesn't mean the doctrine changed, it means the doctrine and the Atonement have changed us as a people. Hopefully with the help of women like you emulating Christ, this will continue. 

• But what if you don't get married or can't have children? Does that mean you are less of a woman since God (woman/man) only supposedly values you for your birthing hips and reproductive capacity? No! Just as there is so much more to being a Priesthood holder than holding the office of Bishop, etc. Some men are called to that; many are not. Some women are called to be mothers of 15 kids and some are barren. But all women can support the creation of life and the nurture of it! If you are married but can't have kids, adoption may be exactly God's plan for you and those children you take into your home. They say it takes a village to raise a child. And a huge part of that is the influence, example and teaching women impart to all, not just their own kids. This is similar to how a man regardless of his Priesthood office should bless the lives of all in his path, the same way Jesus would. 

• What about polygamy? Doesn't that whole system imply favor to men and a horrible abuse to women? This is a very fair question. Some horrible things have been done and are continuing to happen from Satan inspiring men to twist this doctrine to their own gain and it makes me utterly sick. First, don't forget that the God (woman/man) of Abraham, Issac and Jacob or the 12 tribes of Israel in the bible started with a polygamist family. This practice is not new. I've met with ministers of other faiths who have admitted they can find nothing scriptural against it. Next, I suggest you read the following essay from the Church and get away from half-truths and lies about this topic: Essay on Polygamy. Remember that the Glory of God (woman/man) comes from the exaltation of their children. One man with five women can produce more children. But I honestly believe this is very difficult and only needed when the Lord sees fit. Are you going to have to share your husband after this life? I have no idea. Not all men are called to every Priesthood office and a very small percentage of men and women have called to this practice.  It may be the same after this life. Regardless, I don't believe God (woman/man) is in the habit of forcing people to do things. I have confidence it will all work out in the end. 

If you read this far, remember I love you and am proud of you, regardless of whether or not your life fits a certain mold or has all the boxed checked. I'm grateful your mom inspires me to be better and has worked so hard to raise you to be beautiful, funny, creative, and classy. She is a wonderful example of becoming who you should be. I know each of you will do great things as you live up to your divine potential. Love - Dad. 

The Women's Circle - A Guide for Dudes

If you are a young man on the precipice of marriage or contemplating such a commitment, take heed from an old man further down the road. Let me begin with this:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ― H.M. Harwood

During those salad days of courtship and the honeymoon; a man may feel like his opinion is quite important to his lady. You marry thinking this woman cares what you think and expect this will never change. But do not be deceived, this is going to change.. over time, its going to feel like your opinion will count for less and maybe none.. all she seems cares about is what her mom, friends or co-workers think. Don't let this get you down.

We often tend to think of men as the hormonal, bombastic, ego-driven competitive gender. However recent studies have shown this is not entirely accurate. Women are fiercely competitive, but often its manifested in different ways. Initially, women compete with each other over men. This is nice because us guys benefit from it. But once the knot is tied, the competition continues. Beauty, clothes, kids, careers and Instagram auras. Welcome to phase two of the competitive relationship women have with each other.

Enter The Women's Circle. Prepare for the Mommy Wars. 

Men envision glorious combat within places like the "Thunder-dome" or "War Memorial Stadium". But for our beautiful spouses they smile and subtly throw down in the home, at the park or the playground and in the drop-off zone at school. Sadly, this probably happens at Church too. Post marriage, phase two is all about establishing position within The Women's Circle; the governing body that rules all mankind indirectly.

I first heard of The Women's Circle from Robert Jordan's High Epic Fantasy series, Wheel of Time. In a prior post, I've noted my praise and struggles with this series. F-Word: WOT But this is one concept Jordan had right. Here is how the WOT Wiki page summarizes it and I've modified and added a few things to fit modern life:

Across Suburban America, married women hold themselves independent of their husbands and practice a form of gender-based bicameral government. The Women's Circle of each community is an all-female committee whose members are married women within a common community such as a neighborhood, school district or church congregation; often a combination of all three. Each Circle is headed by a Wisdom who is chosen by an unspoken vote of status from the members. The Wisdom is often not the authority on all subjects. For example, one woman may be the Wisdom on children, another on home decor', and others for cooking and fitness. Much of this unspoken communication occurs within social networks such as Pintrest, Instagram and Facebook. However the primary way this happens is through the day-today motions of presentation, imitation and suggestion. For example, a powerful Wisdom may dress her child a certain way, others recognize her taste as superior, imitate it with their own children and then suggest others do the same.  

Hardly any of these decisions had anything to do with your opinion - and rightfully so. Consider this:

As a man, its nice to have your mom or your wife praise what or how you do at work etc. But compare that validation with similar praise from a peer or a competitor in your field. While its appreciated, the validation from other men or peers is often more satisfying because they are your competitors. Likewise, a stay at home mom, career woman or a hybrid model is not going to feel fully validated by her husband's opinion. You walk a different path. Heck, you may just be trying to butter her up for "other" reasons... and she knows it. This is part of the reason why women compete or seek validation and approval from each other --- and not you.

So young brother, just get over it. If fact, you should encourage it! You married a woman hoping she would never change and that was stupid (trust me, I know). People change and hopefully you have for the better. Otherwise, that wonderful, bride of yours may give up on her phase two game and start re-thinking phase one. If you want her support to lead a full life, do the same for her. As the axiom goes, "happy wife, happy life." I'll end with some good Christian wisdom:

 Mark 8:35

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Editor's Note 4/5/17: After some soul searching, I decided to repent and change the tone and message of this post from 3/19/17 which I regret. If you read the original at my behest, my apologies for all the vinegar. I feel like this now says what was on my mind in a much more reasonable manner.  

Ferris Bueller is Tyler Durden

Fight club was a movie that resonated with me. So much so that I later read the book. Some of you may be aware of the theory that Ferris Bueller is really just the split personality of Cameron who has always lived the life Cameron wishes he could. That whole opening sequence faking out the parents? Just in Cameron's head, wishing he had a family that gave a crap about him. First rule about taking the day off? DON'T TALK ABOUT TAKING THE DAY OFF.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Fight Club, NOW imagine them with Cameron:

“This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.” 

 “You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.” 

 “You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.” 

 “It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.” 

Ferris Club - Original Version from Robbe Rees on Vimeo.

I doubt this was John Hughes intention, but in my search for meaning I'm going to say he was a genius with this film.

Christmas should come in Bags not Boxes

Years ago, I convinced a beautiful, charming teenage woman to enter a legal contract designed to sell her as chattel to my whims. Our business arrangement was based on the principle of specialization for men and women as follows:

"Specialization of marriage is a powerful force in a family, benefiting the husband and children alike. Parents produce more when they occupy specialized roles, so they can offer higher quality homes, cars, furniture and clothes while raising their own children." - Duke Glorystone

Fast forward about a decade. The system is working well. Only problem is I never know jack about all the "obvious" special rules the Boss has for our family. Example:

I take money from my specialized labor role and purchase presents and trinkets to go in her stocking at Christmas. I assume the stocking itself is its own wrapping and hence do not wrap any items in the stocking. During our joyous Christmas celebration I am informed this is heartless, thoughtless and am shamed into wrapping all items in the stocking. 

Needless to say I've carried a chip on my shoulder ever since about wrapping presents. Not only is uncouth to not wrap everything in the stocking, putting a gift in a bag to avoid wrapping is an insult as well. So I wrap everything in a grudge and I hate it. 

Well this year after picking up bag after bag of wrapping waste and boxes, I had a wonderful idea. A beautiful awful idea!

Why should there be so much waste? And as a side benefit, why all this blasted wrapping? I think we all know its bad for the environment, but educate yourself with my totally legit internet research: http://www.recycleworks.org/resident/holiday_facts.html

Facts on Holiday Waste From Thanksgiving to New Year's Day, household waste increases by more than 25%. Added food waste, shopping bags, packaging, wrapping paper, bows and ribbons all add up to an additional 1 million tons a week to our landfills (Source: EPA). In the U.S., annual trash from gift-wrap and shopping bags totals 4 million tons (Source: Use Less Stuff). Cards An estimated 2.6 billion holiday cards are sold each year in the United States, enough to fill a football field 10 stories high. Electronic holiday greeting cards, offered through a variety of websites, are a convenient, no-cost, waste-free alternative (Source: CalRecycle). If we each sent one less card, we'd save 50,000 cubic yards of paper (Source: Use Less Stuff). Here are ideas to recycle, buy recycled and reuse cards. Ribbons If every family reused just two feet of holiday ribbon, the 38,000 miles of ribbon saved could tie a bow around the entire planet (Source: CalRecycle). Food At least 28 billion pounds of edible food are wasted each year - equating to over 100 pounds per person (Source: Use Less Stuff). Paper Half of the paper America consumes is used to wrap and decorate consumer products (Source: The Recycler's Handbook, 1990).  Holiday Trees Approximately 33 million live Christmas trees are sold in North America every year (Source: EPA). To help prevent waste from cutting down and disposing of live trees, you can buy a potted tree and plant it after the holidays.  Gifts The average American spends $800 on gifts over the holiday season (Source: American Research Group). According to a national survey, 70% of Americans would welcome less emphasis on gift giving and spending (Source: Center for a New American Dream). About 40% of all battery sales occur during the holiday season. Buy rechargeable batteries to accompany your electronic gifts, and consider giving a battery charger as well. Rechargeable batteries reduce the amount of potentially harmful materials thrown away, and can save money in the long run (Source: EPA). Transportation If each family reduced holiday gasoline consumption by one gallon (about twenty miles), we'd reduce greenhouse gas emissions by one million tons (Source: Use Less Stuff).

So next year, I'm going to do my part, by NOT WRAPPING A DANG THING. Its all going to come in bags that get re-used every year and a stocking is a perfectly acceptable wrapper. SAVE THE EARTH!!

and my sanity. 

My Light the World Moment

Its been some time since I posted. But life gets busy, and blogging is usually an activity pushed to the bottom of the priority totem pole. Earlier this month, the 7th in fact, I had a total garbage day. Stressed at work, I got an ugly phone call and into a heated argument. This is fairly unusual for me and I came home just stewing in my juices of anger. 

While talking to my kids about the day, I realized I was on acting like a tool and needed to re-center myself spiritually. I thought of what I could do and I remembered the Light the World Advent Calendar my church put out this year. On the 7th it shows the following: 

So I decided exercise some faith, forget my troubles and act. I talked to my kids about it and said we should donate as there may be some families going without. I looked up a good organization and saw that a donation could provide 4 meals for every dollar donated. I won't get into how much, but as I thought about sharing multiple meals; the anger poisoning my heart was lifted like a tangible weight. A deep sense of gratitude washed over me and I knew the Lord was pleased with my decision. You can chalk this up to all kinds of explanations, but I know it came by the power of God and I nearly wept at my computer considering my selfish pride and the cares of my day compared to others. 

I am so grateful for opportunities Jesus gives us to live like Him. I miss many (most) of them, but when I listen and then follow Him, nothing can express the joy and peace I feel. Its what keeps me going and looking forward to a more perfect day. I hope if you are reading this you will also feel inspired to follow Him and let His light shine in your life. 

Tex-Mex Unicorn Breakfast Chili

Not only is today the Conference of Generals, it has become: SUPER DEATH EATER BREAKFAST SUNDAY!!

Step 1: 
I went to the communist grocery mart at Knockturn Alley and purchased a package of Tom Riddle's 90/10 ground Unicorn meat which I squeezed out of a tube into my frying pan. After adding many secret spices from Yaxley's Five-and-Dime I tossed in a tub of green chilies fire roasted by the Dude Who Must Not be Named procured from Macnair's Emporium.  Allow to simmer for 10 mins.

Step 2:
Scrambled eggs from Nott's cage only Farm and added more of the special secret spices along with aged Mexican 3-cheese blend from LeStrange Dairy. Cover with the foil of despair until ready to eat.

Step 3:
Re-hydrate and brown potato hash. Season with British malt vinegar from Scorpio's Bazaar while adding more secret spices and Vegaline-Saxon spray for flavor.

Step 4:
Press your scraper into the unicorn tattoo on your right forearm and fling any excess food onto the ceiling while exclaiming: Morsmordre!

You are now ready to "Eat"

Stranger Things - My New Retro Obession

Like everyone else, I've embraced the zeitgeist surrounding Stranger Things on "Netflakes." This show was love at first note. That theme song and opening sequence hooked me like handcuffs slapped on by T.J. Hooker himself.

I love the 80s. I loved that stupid VH1 show too. Feathered hair cuts, mustaches, aqua net bangs, the NBA, cheesy action films, aerobics and more. But today I celebrate the return of of synth music. Perhaps the greatest musical contribution of the decade. So I had to get more of my theme song and found this song on Soundcloud. It must be experienced or you are dead to me.




OK. That was awesome. But it gets better. Thanks to the link above I discovered a retro synth artist known as Timecop1983. Check it out. Bodaciously radical. Ferris would approve.

  

While I'm thinking about Time Cop, some of you may remember this was a JCVD film back in the day (Jean Claude Van Dame). Here is a review of Bloodsport that employs a matrix for analyzing all of his films. Its simply brilliant. 

5.0 out of 5 stars - The one that put JCVD on the map!

ByJasonVINE VOICEon August 30, 2008

The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM) 

1. Who is he? Frank Dux, American martial arts expert
2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? His friend Ray gets beatdown and ends up in the hospital
3. Does he take his shirt off? He has his shirt off nearly the entire movie
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress? Yes. Some cute, but anonymous blond.
5. Is there a tournament? Only the baddest tournament in the world: The Kumite
6. Is training needed for this tournament? No...he's already awesome
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament? Several times
8. Does he punch someone in the balls? Let's just say he puts an unfortunate sumo wrestler's balls about a foot higher than normal
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? Yes, and nobody dodges them
10. Is his enemy unbeatable? Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) holds all the records, has killed people in the tournament, and makes other black belts wet themselves...so, yeah
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance? Chong Li throws salt in his eyes and Dux is blinded
12. Does he win? Not only does he win, but he forces Chong Li to say matte

Happy 80s Retro Synth to all of you and I'm impressed if you managed to keep reading this far.

Weekend Warrior 2016 Part II

Once again the Norse Gods have conspired to send my Boss off on a quest to defeat Ragnarok with her perfect shapely legs... but leaving me alone with the mess I created.

So I determined to have the most effective, powerful, kick-butt Saturday of all times. I started out making the list on Friday night.

YEAH. She said that!! Now as Ben Franklin rolls in his grave, let's turn to a legit contemporary wise man on the art of war:

ONE OF THE TOP 3 PSEUDO APOSTLES OF THE MORMON CHURCH!!!

I've learned from the best and my goals are set. Here is the list of me putting some insane deposits in the home bank account.

• 8:00 AM - Answer the bell on last minute request for manly Elder's Quorum help. 
• I showed up anticipating a 2 hour struggle against a nasty garage; all I found was a 10x10 area of floor that needed to be painted. I laughed and left it to the others. Nice start!
• Visit THE DONUT and pick up 2 dozen circles of doom. 1 for my friend's family with a sick baby in the hospital, the second for my kids, because I am the greatest Dad in the history of sports. 
• There was much rejoicing. 
• Fix all of the wobbliest patio furniture on the planet. 
• Tightened every stupid bolt and screw on the table and chairs made by the Viet Cong. Even a morbidly obese man like me can now sit and eat without fear in my back yard. Winning.
• I even scored some wood oil and spent and hour going to town. Grammie helped! 
• Manually aerate trouble spots on the lawn and apply patch master mulch. 

• DONE. 
• Program garage door and fix the Boss's home-link in her vehicle so she can start parking in the garage. 
• Nailed it in like 5 minutes. I'm on fire!
• Fix my sunglasses. 
• After examination I determined they were crap and threw them away. 
• Scrub all the toilets and tubs in the house
• Got the Lizard to do this after I pulled her out of bed at 12:30... PM.  
• Propane tank exchange
• Slaughtered. 
• Install USB and plug outlet in the kitchen
• My back nearly froze in that bent over position, but success was mine. 
• Acquire and assemble a full yard of solar accent lights. 
• Full of Win. Boss may get ticked about my fetish, but I love me some lighting!
• Costco Run on a Saturday
• Destroyed it. 
• Fix broken handles on the kid's vanity
• Took another blasted trip to Home Depot and a creative washer, but I overcame. 

Then around 5PM I'm told my bathtub is once again leaking into the downstairs ceiling, there is a huge pool of water and I've got a major problem on my hands. Can I just say ---  

The Blood & The Bees

Last Saturday was one to remember.

My fraternity brothers and I pledged to help someone demolish a massive rotting deck in the back yard. 30 foot roll-off? Ordered. Saws, crowbars, sledgehammers and face masks? Ready. I just didn't count on the the blood and the bees.

FIRST BLOOD: I've got some hair metal music going in my brain, so I pick up a large piece of cut up deck and haul it over to the roll off. Feeling rather macho, I tossed it in but felt a snag near my right elbow. I figured it was just a scratch:

ITS JUST A FLESH WOUND!

Next, the wasps found me. And why not? I'm highly marbled meat. Actually, they were not pleased with a crowbar being swung into their home. I got bit a couple of times and went to go grab two cans of wasp death spray at my house. Upon my return, a fellow frat brother and I determined to lift up one of the rotted planks and hose the buggers down. Bad idea. Opening two cans of death spray is not enough. I got stung above my ear, on my face, hip and several other places. I yelped and rolled on the ground into some dog poo. Onlookers said it was very undignified.

Hot Rod got it much worse than me. He got stung like 20-30 times and wound up cutting his arm twice as bad as mine. Yep, good times with the EQ on a Saturday. Sometimes I feel like we are the Red Shirts of the ward.

I've said this a bunch in the past, but I now know it to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt with every fiber of my being:

The Right to Bear Childern

I'm gonna go all Saturday's Warrior on you.

I've heard of a medical professional who believes birth control should be in the water and the only way to have a kid is to qualify for one. I know that's a bit of a medical stretch, but this is after all just me sitting on the porch with you kicking around ideas.

Before I get into issues with population growth; let's take it one step further:  GATTACA. One of my favorite movies. Here are a few quotes at the start of the film.

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" - Ecclesiastes 7:13 

"I not only think we will tamper with Mother Nature. I think Mother wants us to." - Willard Gaylin

The intent of the film is to make you hate genetic manipulation. But that isn't really the problem in the movie. The problem is the primary one that has plagued us since the beginning: PRIDE. Genetic manipulation was just a tool for people to continue to discriminate and set themselves above others. Nothing new there.

"They've got you looking so hard for any flaw, that after a while, that's all that you see." 

"Eugene never suffered from the routine discrimination of a 'utero', or a 'faith birth' or an 'in-valid' as we were called. A 'valid', a 'vitro', a 'made-man', he suffered under a different burden, the burden of perfection."

Tell me we don't have these problem right now.

So why not start cleaning up the gene pool? Darwin is ticked that modern medicine and society allows for the nasty people with bad teeth and funky B.O. to reproduce and perpetuate their crappy DNA. We typically fix birth defects after the child is born where possible... why not fix them before they even start?

Yes, I agree with the man. I don't see how this violates basic commandments given by God. 

And yes, I've read the Malcom Gladwell books and even he says you wouldn't wish Dyslexia on your kid; even if it gave him the VERY SLIM chance of becoming a super rad lawyer, etc. Rather than having 1 kid in 100,000 fix a problem, let's have the other 99,999 in a much better position to tackle it. I like those odds. 

But all that is the easy part of my future ideal of reproduction. The big kicker is qualifying to have kids. Is it a basic inalienable right to reproduce? Its the first commandment given to Adam and Eve. Men have a sex drive strong enough to populate Texas if given the resources. But ultimately, I think God is less concerned with how neat, clean and convenient our lives are as the choices we make. People living in a hut or a McMansion still have to make the same choices to either love others or be selfish. 

Look at birth rates in first world countries among more educated populations. It plummets. Given time and further advancement; I think we will start to turn the population problem around. Our economics are based on population growth right now and that will have to change; but I believe we can adapt and it will be for the better. 

So I say let us all eat cake! I hope we can use the blessings of of medical advancement for our happiness; rather than suffering in masochistic darkness.  

Numbers Glory Praise of Munns

While serving my mission for the Lord in Boston MASS, we had a saying...

"Numbers, Glory, Praise of Munns."

Munns in this case was my first Mission President. He was a strong leader who demanded excellence and believed in the return and report model of stewardship. Each week, a breakdown of the top zones was faxed to each ZL. As I recall, some matrix with a weighting system was used to determine who was #1. Of course, baptisms gave the most weight, but discussions, contacts, challenges, etc. were all factored.

Many complained about the emphasis on numbers and rankings. It seemed to breed contempt, cynicism and worse, ugly motives for doing the work.  Here are Elder Oak's six reasons for service ranked from least to greatest.

     6. For Riches or Honor
     5. To Obtain Good Companionship
     4. Fear of Punishment
     3. Duty or Loyalty
     2. Hope of an Eternal Reward
     1. Charity - "A More Excellent Way

Numbers, like most things are not good or evil. Lehi would tell us they are things to be acted upon. We who act chose the why, what, when, where, how and ultimately the outcome.  Now that I am intensely involved in the reporting and organization of Home Teaching, I find myself in the same situation as nearly 20 years ago.

During my time in MASS, reasons 6-2 got used more often than I'd care to admit. But I don't regret the reporting and tracking. Without it I'm not sure I would have accomplished as much true charitable service. I think a quote from Brad Wilcox's His Grace is Sufficient sums up the need for reporting and holding ourselves to standards quite well:

If Jesus did not require covenants and bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost, then there would be no way to change. We would be left forever with only willpower, with no access to His power. If Jesus did not require endurance to the end, then there would be no internalization of those changes over time. They would forever be surface and cosmetic rather than sinking inside us and becoming part of us—part of who we are. Put simply, if Jesus didn’t require practice, then we would never become pianists.

...Too many are giving up on [Home Teaching and Reporting] because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they always feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace.

So despite my lack of perfection; I'm not going to give up. In practicing charity and reporting it, I will become more like Him. Those numbers represent people; but they also represent a way for me to measure my progress if I have the right motive. The real problem isn't the numbers, its doing nothing at all.

And by the off chance you know me "IRL" just know this was written much more for me than you.

The Corn Palace!!

Why in the name of all that is holy would I go to Mitchell SD?

Work. 

But once I was there, I discovered a treasure: The Corn Palace. 

I'll admit, initially I HOPED it would be a massive structure completely made of corn... but that would be gross. Imagine the mice, birds, the feces. 

No, the Corn Palace is just a gym or community center covered in murals made out of corn. Which is still way cooler than anything those hipsters with the oiled beards have come up with the RiNo district. 

Overweight suburban white guy paradise. I was only missing 6 kids screaming at the top of their lungs. Hence, my smile in the photo above.

What do they call a Diet Mountain Dew round these parts?

POP.

Here are the photos:  FETCH YES

The Force Awakens - SPOILERS!!

The following was typed out on a plane while traveling to Costa Rica on February 22nd 2016. To prove my often slothful behavior I now put it in the cyber record. 

In keeping with the spirit of all commentary on this film, BE FOREWARNED! MAJOR: 

Seems utterly ridiculous to say that now, but a few months ago, it was a very big deal. I recall someone saying, “I’ve grown up on these films, I’ve always known what happened and knew where the prequels were going. I finally have a chance to watch a Star Wars film without knowing what’s going to happen.” This rings true for many fans of the saga in their 30s or younger. And perhaps this is truly what made the hype around this film so big. I previously posted on redemption for the franchise, but now I see that anticipation of the unknown and delight in novelty drove fans to theaters. I think JJ Abrams understood this and was the perfect fit to shroud the new film in mystery; making us salivate like dogs for the big reveal.

Perhaps this was the greatest genius of the film. Take something people know and love (bankable) and then take it to a new level (fresh). Those two words are solid gold for making a profit and stirring the imagination of the masses. Proving the capitalist ideal that when filmmakers provide goods and services the public demands, both profit and maximal utility is delivered to the people.  The success of Star Wars may not be what Adam Smith envisioned, but he would surely weep with joy at the results.

Did I cry during the film? No. But the first round was awfully emotional. I was just soaking it all in and trying to catch my breath. Round two was much more satisfying from a viewing perspective. First time was regular 2D and the second was 3D which was surprisingly… okay. I was going to see it in IMAX, but didn’t want to overdo it and get bored with the film by the time it is released on Blu-ray. So nearly two months later, here is the stuff that stuck to my ribs:

• First line of dialogue, “This will begin to make things right.” [YOU’RE DOG GONE RIGHT THEY WILL!!!]
• The re-hash of episode 4. This kinda bugged me towards the end, but whatever… You have to give these guys some sort of reason to have huge battles. At least Starkiller base was sexier than taxation of trade routes. 
• All of the new characters seemed natural and fit seamlessly into the new story. Well cast and executed. Loved them all. Especially Rey. As a father of 3 girls, what a breath of fresh air to see a woman kick butt, be good looking but have that play virtually no part of how her character operates. 
• The Easter eggs and throwback humor was great. There are 45 minute videos about this on YouTube so I’ll spare you the details, but I couldn’t peel the grin off my face for half the movie. 
• Kylo Ren is AWESOME. I know some people like to whine about his looks, temper tantrums and getting his butt handed to him by Rey at the end, but consider this:
• He is not your typical Bond villain. Evil is not just created, it comes from corruption. Hardly anyone sets out to be the bad guy and Kylo embodies this. He struggles, has weaknesses and worries, but can still stop laser bolts and read people’s minds. This guy is going to open a can in the next film. Mark my words and to me he will be all the more compelling to watch as his chapter descends further into darkness
• Let’s remember he was arguably mortally wounded and trying not to Kill Rey and fresh off killing his Father. Give the dude a break. He will come back strong. 
• More questions than answers. The whole thing left me wanting more and my imagination is still free to wander and ponder the possibilities.
• Happy Harrison Ford finally got to kill off Han Solo. But he really should have shot first. 
• Somebody get Carrie Fisher outta there. She’s had so much work done I can hardly understand it when she talks. KILL OFF WET BLANKET GIRLFRIEND. PLEASE!!
• Snoke. Probably Pelagius, no shocker there, but I can’t wait to find out how he survived. 
• NOT NEARLY ENOUGH BACKGROUND ON THE RESISTANCE OR THE FIRST ORDER. Dude. I get that we are “moving forward” but for pete’s sake and a stack of pancakes, gimme some grits to chew on!
• Daniel Craig Stormtrooper. Awesome. Heck, those costumes are like 10,000 Easter eggs waiting to happen. Would I have to give up a kidney for a cameo in a Stormtrooper suit? 
• TR-8R. You. Rock. Bro. But get out your gun next time. 

• Mark Hammil made 8 million to pull back his hood. Disney may as well give him a printing press to make money.
• I’m still not entirely clear on EXACTLY what the “awakening” of the force is. I have general ideas about Rey, the dark side, the light, etc. but can’t wait to get more detail on this. 
• I could go on, but I’m guessing only one reader has made it this far and I thank him for it and look forward to his take. 

My final thought. Generations. The story is multi-generational and about a family. Taking my kids to see this was priceless. Watching them discover the galaxy and sharing it with them was one of the best Christmas presents ever. Until December 2018… I’ll just have to learn to savor the anticipation.

Answer to the Fermi Paradox?

According to the Internet Bible:

The Fermi paradox or Fermi's paradox, named after Enrico Fermi, is the apparent contradiction between high estimates of the probability of the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations, such as in the Drake equation, and the lack of evidence for such civilizations.

The basic points of the argument, made by physicists Enrico Fermi (1901–1954) and Michael H. Hart (born 1932), are:

• The Sun is a normal star and might be, in some respects, typical, and there are billions of stars in the galaxy, including many billions of years older than Earth.
• With high probability, some of these stars will have Earth-like planets, and if the Earth is typical, some might develop intelligent life.
• Some of these civilizations might develop interstellar travel, a step the Earth is investigating now.
• Even at the slow pace of currently envisioned interstellar travel, the Milky Way galaxy could be completely traversed in about a million years.

According to this line of thinking, the Earth could reasonably have already been visited by extraterrestrial aliens. In an informal conversation, Fermi noted no convincing evidence of this, nor any signs of alien intelligence anywhere in the observable universe, leading him to ask, "Where is everybody?" There have been many attempts to explain the Fermi paradox.

First, I must recommend this book to my book club of one (and none).

ENDEAVOUR - by Ralph Kern. Hard science fiction for hard men and women. Faxing and scanning meat. Its incredible. Go read it. Now. I was not paid to say this.

However, here is the real reason for my post. This video gives a cruel but possible answer as to WHY NOBODY HAS MADE CONTACT WITH OUR PLANET. And yes, I nearly wet myself laughing at this. You'll either find it hysterical or stupid. Let's see how awesome you are:

Also if you enjoyed this, then go check out WORLD OF TOMORROW, now on Netflix!!! Its hilarious and pokes fun at were we are... and where we are going. Seriously, don't miss it before its gone.

One Of Last Year's Best Movies Is Only 16 Minutes Long ...

There Will Be Blood

That was flat out one of the most disgusting playoff wins I've even witnessed from the Broncos. It feels like we got our rear-ends handed to us, and yet we won that game by more than 3 points. If I had to get a picture to show how weak our offense looked, this would be it.

On paper, that offense looks like it should be pretty good. Hall of fame QB, two 700 yard rushers, all star talent at reciever. But no guts. Our O-line isn't great, but I can tell you switching from power to zone blocking schemes is not easy on the fly. Kubes is practically winning inspire of himself thanks to a stellar defense.

Honestly, I don't know if I can take another week of this. I love our D and it does win championships, but for PEYTON'S SAKE YOU GOTTA SCORE A FLIPPING TOUCHDOWN MORE THAN ONCE IN 28 DRIVES IN THE POST SEASON!! 

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH!!!

The blasted Patriots will show up next week just quivering with anticipation to break Peyton's neck. Seriously. Did you see that hit he took? Dad gum. No wonder Archie can't watch. I'd be freaked out too. I know I'm the worst kind of fan. But you know what?

This is all just supposed to be entertainment. Right? MY BLOOD PRESSURE CAN'T TAKE IT! I'M GONNA KYLO REN ALL OVER THE TV IF I HAVE TO KEEP WATCHING THAT PATHETIC OFFENSE. 

Like the title of this post, sooner or later, there will be blood. I just don't know if its worth the emotional suffering anymore. Here's to hoping we get a little vinegar in that gas tank and max out that electric engine and get some sort of turbo boost on that Prius. Go Broncos.

Nostalgia & The Prequels

I'm still basking in my Force Awakens afterglow, and all these good vibes got me thinking about my favorite moments in the franchise. But before I get into stuff from the original trilogy (IV-VI), I must share with posterity my top 5 moments or amusing junk from these films (yes, I acknowledge they exist).

5. I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!!! Obi-Wan is the undisputed master of this realm. In the Phantom Menace, the completely breaks this rule by jumping over Darth Maul and cutting him in half. Later he continues this winning streak against "the chosen one" by defending the high ground.

4. Death Sticks - Really? Creativity in names reaching an all-time low, but hilarious nonetheless!

3. Sith Seduction - With no help at all from Hayden Christensen, McDiarmid managed to make his corruption and seduction of Anakin captivating at the bubble show and in front of his awesome sith mural. 

2. Well Hello There! - Once again Obi Wan delivers with a full on Force directed surge of BOLDNESS. 

Say what you will, this was an awesome fight scene. Took me totally off guard the first time I saw it.

1. DARTH MAUL - The fight with Qui Gon and Obi Wan is easily my favorite moment from the prequels. The music, robe throw-down, the choreography, double bladed lightsaber, zen meditation, caged prowling, death and righteous indignation. I still get pumped when I watch this fight scene. Now if only they could have kept Lord Maul around...

 And that prowl is what I did for many more years to come, waiting for the Force Awakens.