Jimmer vs. #ThugMormon

Back in 2011 Jimmer Fredette was TORCHING the NCAA scene with his sick ability to shoot from anywhere on the court and get away with average speed on defense. In the midst of all the hype about Jimmer, one woman sought to complain in the Daily Universe (BYU student newspaper). Once people found out, they assaulted her Facebook wall with this epic thread which you must read:

http://www.dreamcatchermedia.com/jimmered.html

My personal favorite section due to the partially-hydrogenated comment:

But has this been eclipsed by the #ThugMormon craze in the event of the BYU football team turning Catholic with two back-to-back Hail Mary victories?

The Daily Unifarce reported:

Just days before the BYU vs. Nebraska football game, Nebraskan on-air personality Mike Welch lashed out against BYU, labeling the football team with the hashtag #ThugMormon. The phrase was intended to highlight the hypocrisy of the BYU Honor Code and the player brawl that broke out during the Miami Beach Bowl on Dec. 14, 2014. Ironically, #ThugMormon took over the Twitter-sphere. It at one point became the No. 1 trending hashtag in the Salt Lake area but not for the reason Welch intended.

Here are some of my favorite tweets.

So which is the better social media event? I'm gonna side with #ThugMormon. Jimmer was fun, but he's basically done in terms of a meaningful pro career. Each and every one of us can and SHOULD continue the tradition of being ThugMormons. My moments since I don't do twitter:

Making the Shift

Recently Dr. Wayne Dyer, a notable motivational speaker and writer passed away. The only work of his that I'm familiar with is Making the Shift - a book about moving from a life driven by ambition to one of meaning.

Yesterday, I had the unique experience of teaching the same lesson back-to-back in both my Sunday School class (16-18 year olds) and Elders Quorum (thank to the teacher going MIA). It came from the lesson outline, How do the commandments help me learn to be more like Heavenly Father?  I found myself inspired to teach a lesson about why we keep the commandments that I don't think I would have heard as a youth 20 years ago. Instead of talking about the rules themselves and the peace, protection and power they give to do the Lord's work (ambition); I focused on how they give us access to the Atonement to change our natures. What manner of men ought ye to be? Even as I am. Yesterday's experiences have further led me to believe the Church (the people/culture) are making a shift from a spiritual life driven by ambition to one of meaning.

Alright, put your pitchforks away! Hear me out. I am not saying the doctrine has been incorrect or that the ordinances, covenants and commandments have not been the work of the Lord. I am saying we are appropriately adapting how we teach the Gospel and ultimately how we live it for true conversion in the Last Days. Motivated by charity, not hope of reward, duty, fellowship, fear of punishment, shame or plain ol "that just what we do in this family." That's the whole point of the new Come Follow Me curriculum.


For much of my life as a member, the Gospel has been a very goal oriented, check-list lifestyle in order for me to feel accepted, worthy and loved. I freely admit I felt proud of the growth and expansion of the Church and desired to help it fill the earth. It made me feel important. I was saved for the last days to serve a mission and fight Satan and help build the kingdom. Or as Elder Taylor would say, THE KINGDOM OF GOD OR NOTHING!! Marry a woman that personifies both outward and inward beauty; raise humble, righteous children with keen intellects and Gryffindor hearts and change the lives of all around us. Through all my study, prayer, service and attendance I was going to change the world. Its what I was born to do. Army of Helaman! Here are some pictures that embody stuff that inspired me in younger days:

Welcome to the Gun Show! You don't stand a chance.

Righteous Biceps - No wonder he survived the battle. 

#ThugMormon

Nothing inherently wrong with all of that, but I let my sense of self-worth get tied up in my works. Without realizing it, I created a spiritual bank account that I made deposits in, but all my unworthiness seemed to draw off more that I put in. As a result, I've spent most of my life struggling to overcome feelings of depression, shame and guilt over never being the true Stripling Warrior. Only as good as your last mistake. As a result, I was often genuinely unhappy, but soldiering on making sarcastic comments and embracing dark humor. It would all work out in the end right?

I now understand this is not the heart of the Gospel and one of the hardest things to do is let go of being the ideal mold member. Here is a video Mormons can relate to:

A funny but painful line: How did this tradition get started? I don't know. But you'd better comply or no driver's license, marriage to my daughter or welcome under my roof! 

And while we may not know the meaning of all things, I know God loves his children. Even me and especially when I'm not a model citizen. Tevia breaks tradition twice, but the third he cannot allow. We need the commandments, covenants and power of the Atonement to keep our balance on the roof of life, not all of the answers are clear and easy. The world looks at us and thinks we are crazy! They love to mock high standards point the finger and scorn those who fail to live their religion perfectly (as if anyone ever has). The world would have us believe that striving to be like Jesus is to eventually become a hypocrite. The unforgivable sin in the age of universal tolerance. So why try? Easier to sit back and Armchair Quarterback everyone else's problems. But Teddy sets us straight:

In Lehi's vision of the tree of Life; those who make it to the Tree of Life wind up falling on their faces. Why should I expect anything different? Others may say I look stupid and I'm wasting my time, my money, my life. But they haven't tasted the fruit; or they've been unwilling to humble themselves and keep striving despite repeated sins and shortcomings.

But our sweat in the arena is not what truly qualifies us (grace), it is what helps refines us (works) as God will force no one to inherit all He has. What ultimately got King Saul removed from his station? He took the Priesthood (offering a sacrifice to win victory over the Philistines) or the responsibility of salvation upon himself.

1 Samuel 15:22 - And Samuel said, Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. 

By sacrifice, I mean taking the work upon us. Putting our trust in the arm of flesh not God. Steadying the ark (not a good idea). Believing we are going to outwork our problems... our sins. Works cannot hide or cover mistakes on an eternal scale. Sooner or later, we have to accept its God's work, not ours. Sins of commission and omission can be repented,  forgiven and remembered no more. But what God will not do is force us to desire to be like him. When we give up, that is the ultimate loss. Perhaps that is why enduring to the end is ultimate opportunity to shift from living for selfish, ambitious motives to charitable ones. I believe this is going to be the only way anyone weathers the storm of the Last Days - especially me if you can't tell.

The Temple, Marriage & Kids

Lately, this topic has been pressing on me. The world is rapidly changing, not just on the issue of same sex marriage, but we seem to have soured on marriage, monogamy and having kids altogether. I will freely admit, I've taken a great deal of pleasure in joking about these subjects and do feel somewhat guilty. I know its not all bad as humor is some of the best and most powerful catharsis for dealing with stress, but what I'd like to share this morning is crucial.

Last week during EQ, the instructor challenged us to take something from the lesson and make a note, send an email or text... ANYTHING to get us to apply what we were learning. Here is what I texted my wife (aka the Boss) on the fly and I believe by inspiration.

9. As distances allow, regularly attend the temple with your wife. Your children will then better understand the importance of temple marriage and temple vows and the eternal family unit.

https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-15-the-sacred-callings-of-fathers-and-mothers?lang=eng

Next, while pondering my Sunday school lesson "How can I explain the importance of marriage and family to others?" I noticed the new September Ensign had showed up and the following article was referenced on the cover:

The Temple and the Natural Order of Marriage - by Elder Bruce C. Hafen

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/09/the-temple-and-the-natural-order-of-marriage?lang=eng

Needless to say, it caught my attention. I will admit that sometimes I get bored with gospel study, talks and articles. I know that repetition is God's way of letting me know about critical messages and I feel the spirit when I study, ponder and pray. But this talk was a genuine feast of learning for me. I'm not going to elaborate on it. I'll leave that between you and the Spirit. But I cannot recommend it enough as the winds of change blow in our society today (Eph 4:14). I know that what Elder Hafen taught is true and is a timely message from God. I am going to be better about my joking regarding marriage and children. They are everything to me and ultimately a symbol of my testimony of Jesus Christ. Here is the full talk given at J. Ruben Law School if you are intereted.

http://jrcls.org/clark_memo/sections/f14/CMF14_Hafen.pdf

My Wife DESTROYS Hanging Lake

Flashing my wedding ring to show people my celebratory mood. 

Recently, my wife has become quite the running enthusiast. She has lots of nifty outfits, a belt with water and tons of supplements that I've never seen before. As a general rule, we almost never exercise together. So I was unprepared for her demonstration of fitness during our 16th anniversary retreat in the Mountains.

I set a brisk pace knowing she is now a champion of cardiovascular activity and didn't want to bore her. This is a popular hike and the trail is packed. So during a stop due to the line, I encouraged her to just run to the top thinking she would politely decline in a grandiose show of humility or admit that would be ludicrous. I was wrong. She took off at an unimaginable pace up the steep trail and I didn't see her until I reached the top despite my best efforts go as fast as I could.

Needless to say, she was appropriately smug when I rounded the corner panting and wheezing. My husbandly swagger took a considerable blow. I was starting to get nervous about her finding me pathetic so I decided to show her my best stuff at the waterfall.

I'm a maniac, MANIAC!! 

We also fawned over some rodent on the trail. There are gratuitous videos of this critter in the link below.

Doomed. 

I also ran down the trail in a fit of stupidity to show I could at least win one leg of the hike. Good thing I didn't kill myself. Here are some shots of my hike on the Rim Trail in Snowmass Village for posterity.

Snowmass Village from the Crest of the Rim Trail. 

My old man would have loved this. 

Here is the rest of the hike and my excursion on the Rim Trail in Snowmass Village.

https://goo.gl/photos/aYSfsxrdyfLkg8af6

Mt. Rushmore & Ice Cream?

The fam and I decided to assault Mt. Rushmore due to some work I had going on in Gillette WY. I've always wondered if it was worth the trip. Based on what we saw... I'd say probably not. BUT... If you did some camping and soaked in all of the surrounding sites and attractions, yes.

I had no idea this place was so big on Thomas Jefferson and his ice cream recipe, but shoot... it sure got me to drop $20. See the photo in the album for marketing campaign.

https://goo.gl/photos/vFqcpTxA9UNbZLVLA

Mario Maker & DUNGEON MASTER

"True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

"God used beautiful mathematics in creating the world." - Paul Dirac

Hello friends. Yesterday I saw something that looked genuinly interesting for the Wii U - Mario Maker. http://supermariomaker.nintendo.com/#/home

I like Mario, but I've always preferred Zelda. There are a host of people who think so as well and are pining for a similar concept for that franchise. Metroid? The possibilities are vast. Of course, some smart people have already figured this stuff out for Zelda. Check it:

http://www.zeldaclassic.com/what.php

Yeah. We'll see how long before that site is shut down. But it sure sounds cool. 

 Until next time folks. Happy creating and Shigeru Miyamoto (宮本 茂) bless.

Dead Man Walking

On Friday, I entertained two Elders from the Mormon Church of the Saints of the Last Days who were about to die.

In Missionary lingo, we refer to going home at the end of our two years as "dying." We also refer to the companion we had at the time as "the one who killed me." See  this prior post for an example of this usage. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2014/08/circle-of-reign.html

Typically, we have minimal advice for actual dead men walking other than deathbed repentance. However when a missionary is "dying" their life is just getting started. If I could go back and give some words of wisdom to myself and these two Elders here are some key points:

• Fundamentals: Continue to study your scriptures, pray sincerely, attend church, temple and magnify your callings. Follow the Prophet. Hard to be led astray when these things are part of your life. 
• Mission Goggles: This is a real thing. When you get home and especially if you are going to Mecca (Provo), practically every girl you see is going to look like a super-model. This is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Give yourself six months before seriously dating anyone. You need some time to re-adjust and it will make you less creepy to most women. Trust me, ask any woman who has been single in this environment and they will confirm. 
• Career: You probably still don't know exactly what you are going to do with yourself. Don't stress. Finding yourself in your 20s is The American Way. You've started finding yourself by serving the Lord. Now build on that and don't be afraid to pursue what you are truly interested in. Continue becoming your best self and the right career will find you. 
• Porn: Yeah, I said that. Its a challenge before and after your mission. Getting married doesn't make it much easier either as the taboo of sex "seems" to have been lifted. Understanding the Atonement and keeping no secrets is critical. If you can't have a frank discussion about this topic and how its impacted you with your parents/Bishop or especially your fiancee (near the time of proposal or before) then I would say that is a bad sign and get help. Like it or not, this is something that shapes our culture and views about sexuality and cannot be ignored. Walking in the light and in the open can be painful at times. But this is better than suffering in the shadows and hurting those around you. 
• Marriage: I came home with the goal of being a bachelor until 25. Naturally, I wound up married almost one year to the day after I got home. 
• Those who want to get married and pursue it like a career often wind up single into their late 20s and 30s. 
• Don't sweat marriage, have fun and focus on school/career and you'll be sealed before you can say "I wanted her to be an 8 cow woman." 
• Don't Rush: Life is a journey, not a destination. Its okay to live in a crummy apartment with no money and shop at thrift stores. In fact it will teach you humility and give you an appreciation of things later in life. You also don't have to get married and have 5 kids under the age of 8 and make 200K+ per year. This is just keeping up with the world and is not a path to happiness. Do things for the right reasons. Charity. What kid want to say I'm here so my parents could feel less guilty? Your spouse and kids will thank you for being motivated by Love and not the Jones. 
• Keep Serving: When I got back, one of the hardest things for me was transitioning from a life of 24/7 service to what seemed like a very selfish life. School, marriage, kids, career, it all seemed so self-centered. But I've learned over the years that helping others be happy along the way has been one of the keys to happiness. Yes, it will be different; but think of it as serving on a more personal level, without any pretext or obligation. 
• Faith is a Choice: Nothing will ever be perfectly explained and your testimony may come under fire. As Elder Holland says, 
• "...hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes...In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith...So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women." 
• https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

Well, that's about all your Sesame Street attention spans can handle. Good luck and enjoy the ride!

Trifecta Hemp Brownies

I've been infuriated with the legalization of Marijuana in Colorado. Its all anyone from out-of-state wants to talk about; both professionally and personally. And almost no one I know is even remotely into it! 

We used to be known for the Rocky Mountains, Denver Broncos, 14ers, world class ski resorts such as Aspen and Vail, healthy citizens, a terrible basketball team and a well educated workforce with a diverse economy. The Shining Capital of the Rocky Mountains. Now we are just the capital of Weed, Pot and Smoke. Pathetic. I can't wait for other states to legalize so we can get back to being known for things that truly make this state one of the best places to live in the world. (Not to mention the pending headquarters of the NWO after the Illuminati destroy the planet). 

I hate you Doctor Evil!! So what can I do? Ere, I may stretch forth my puny arm to halt the mighty Colorado River from its decreed course. So I shall embrace the change in my own special way: TRIFECTA BROWNIES. My own spin on "edibles" in the state of weed. 

I do this to honor my Mother who has venerated the virtues of Hemp Seed over the years. To make a full Trifecta, I have also included Coconut Oil and Ionized Water. The rest is the triple chocolate mix from Ghirardelli via Costco.

A moment of enlightenment as I embrace change - the only constant in life.

Full disclosure, I didn't have any actual ionized water, so I just nuked some water before putting it in the mix. You get the idea. Personally, I think they turned out delicious. I guess just about anything Colorado tastes good to me. 

Thundering Three Year-olds

I have an ax to grind with my chapel. In the 90s when it was constructed some ill-informed architect decided to build with a sub-floor and not on a concrete slab. Doesn't SOUND like a big deal does it? Until your 3 year old daughter who weighs about 35-lbs soaking wet can run down the hallway and it sounds like this:

HONESTLY. What is the blazes of all the saints and pioneer patrons were they thinking? It almost couldn't be louder if they tried. This is my reaction every time my kids get loose in the building:

In honor of  the impending Pioneer Day and the era when a Bishop could apply tithing funds to... whatever, I DEMAND THEY TAKE WHATEVER THEY NEED FROM MY TITHING TO PUT SOME BLASTED INSULATION IN THE SUB-FLOORING. 

I'm fairly certain this can be done.

http://learn.builddirect.com/home-improvement-info/sound-transmission/

Upon completion I'll be able to take my unruly children to the foyer and it will actually be quiet for those in the chapel. My plea tonight to any leader able to make a difference:

Patriarchal Domination

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, when I installed this selfie as the lock and home screen on the boss's iPhone, one can only say: Patriarchal Domination.

Summer 2015 Movie Blitz

I've been told I run a movie blog, which is fair since I "speak in quote" most of the time. But make no mistake, this is a Horcrux and you risk being sucked into a misty vortex with John Williams music if my singularity decides possesses you, murder cats and write strange messages on the bathroom wall in blood. Just thought I should get that warning out on there.

Work has been very busy over the last couple of months so I've had a bunch of time to listen to some books and then take in some summer films on breaks. Let's start with the films since the odds of anyone catching up with my books are slim:

• Beyond the Madding Crowd - This film may not be a typical popcorn flick, but it is absolutely GORGEOUS. Nearly every frame could be used still work of art. I found it to be more impressive than Days of Heaven which has been hailed by many as one of the most beautiful films of all time. So yes, this gets my highest praise. Watch it as a piece of art not entertainment, but it still does that. Every woman should be so lucky as Carrie Mulligan to have a film like that to remember their youth later in life. Easily my favorite movie of the summer.

Wouldn't it be great if all prospective spouses said stuff like this? Bathseba: Ahead of her time -  Truth in advertising. 

• Jurassic World - Am I the only person underwhelmed by this movie? It was good, but nothing terribly special or new. DBH sports THE WORST HAIRCUT EVER and Chris Pratt was alright. I must be getting old.
• Avengers Deux / Ultron - A solid outing, always hard to top the original and the humor was still great. While it is cool to look at, after awhile the visual effects and action just seem tedious and there for the sake of "EXPLOSIONS!!!" I want a Super Hero Franchise to do something new with a character... Like Superman having a kid?? I guess we'll never know.  
• Mad Max / Fury Road - I know I just complained about non-stop violence and that's really all this flick does. Seriously. There are like two 5-minute breaks. My only complaint. I did love how there is almost no exposition and you just have to figure it out. Hats off for being very well crafted, shot and completely entertaining. I was both shocked and laughing throughout. Given the unending stream of Post Apocalyptic fodder heaped upon us in the media, I think I'd take the Zombie Apocalypse over dealing with flabby metal face and his hoard of heavy metal maniacs. 
• Inside Out - A return to form for Pixar. They make animation for adults that kids can also enjoy. Absolutely loved this movie in concept and how they balanced real life vs. the Emoties so it could pack more of an emotional punch. I always get choked up in these blasted movies. The only concerning thing is that there are 5 emotions and only one of them is positive. It also seems to lead kids to believe they are ruled by their emotions and didn't seem to demonstrate how to control them, just accept them. Don't get me wrong, that was a great message for kids and parents that you need to embrace sadness (grief, loneliness, etc.) to heal, but whatever. Its just for kids right? 

 I'll have to get to the books on another post. 

I'm Dreaming of a White Mother's Day

The undisclosed Rocky Mountain location of my residence has been getting a ton of rain for the past week. Last night, it turned into snow. I know why this happened. Someone with no social tact thought a blanket of white snow would be a nice gesture.

At 11:30 PM on Monther's Day Eve, I went out to shake the trees and spare the branches from breaking. This is what I saw:

Yep, nature reminds us that motherhood leads to things beginning to sag as new life emerges. While smacking the trees like a moron without a hat, I got 30 lbs of snow in my face. It was the first time in my life I've gotten a brain freeze from the outside. Let's just say it was quite painful... and a reminder of what happens to fathers when mothers dump their icy wrath on them. 

Earlier that evening I hung out with the Boss but she left to get her nails done by a neighbor who makes excellent Virgin Mint Mojitos. I began to panic that she wasn't coming back so I sent the following text message:

I've got this emotionally vulnerable/available thing down! I bet the Boss brags on it all the time. 

Next, in an effort to reduce my carbon footprint and do Mother Earth a solid, I texted the Boss my Mother's Day card as follows:

Yes, I really know how to lather it on. We're talking hot. barbershop. menthol. LATHER. Here's what I mean. Check out this amazing breakfast I prepared and served for the obligatory meal in bed. 

$20 says none of you have ever had such a novel breakfast in bed. But this isn't all. While walking in with the above plate of culinary genius, I had the following song playing:

Coco absolutely loved it! Can't say the Boss did, but I think its a precious song that will have to come back each year. Maybe I can get Salt Lake to add it to the Children's Songbook for extra legitimacy. Its been a wonderful day and I'm so blessed to have my own exemplary mom and a beautiful partner whom my kids call Mother. 

Minimalist Mormon Housewives - STRIKE BACK

It must be something about the lusty month of May and Spring Cleaning that gets the minimalist drive going in The Boss. Two years ago, I posted about the burgeoning phenomena in my life known as Minimalist Mormon Housewives. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/search?q=minimalist. Now this trend is back... WITH A VENGANCE.

Somewhere in the Ether that is THE WOMEN'S CIRCLE it was determined that closets bursting to the seams are of the devil. Why can't we just have a renaissance view that a little extra (clothes or junk in the truck) is a sign of prosperity and should be enjoyed? Google "minimize clothing" and you'll see a tsunami of minimalism coming for your closet.

Thanks to this trend, I have now divested 50% of all my clothes. Not kidding. I'll admit I do feel better. I feel one step closer to that ultimate living space I've fantasized about ala Flynn's pad in Tron Legacy.

This all sounds good, but I'm worried about the future. We somehow accumulated all those clothes and shopping is like a competitive sport for my better half. Have we just removed all of the older stuff so we can buy newer stuff? Time will tell, but I'm hopeful. Just remember:

SPENDING MONEY IS NOT SAVING MONEY.

A.M. Book Club: What Alice Forgot... IN THE MEAT GRINDER

In some ways, this was a pretty painful book to read. The truth cuts to the center sometimes and this book made me agonize about what an idiot I've been, but also appreciate how far I've come in life.

A good neighbor down the street gave me a recommendation to read this book. She is a teacher and an avid reader so I figured I'd give it a shot; even if it seemed like a wet blanket book club offering. To understand what I mean: http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/wet+blanket

To get my ultra-testosterone male ego motivated, I looked at this book from the perspective of time travel via amnesia. What if you woke up and didn't remember the last 10 years of your life? This book follows 39 year old Alice after falling off her spin bike at the gym in 2008 and waking up thinking she is 29, in 1998. Not being able to remember your children is a pretty unsettling thing.

How would I react if the 2005 version of myself woke up in my 2015 reality?  To anyone who hasn't been married more than 5 years, this may not seem like a big deal. Isn't a decade of marriage and raising kids dull? The obvious and dramatic changes of childhood, puberty, high school, college, finding a career and a spouse are huge. But what about the more subtle changes we make after the proverbial die has been cast?

I never realized when I was younger that our late 20s to early 40s are a huge change. We go from "its all about me" to "its all about we" if we have married and had kids. People lose themselves and get re-defined by parenting roles, careers, service, sacrifice and ambition both for secular and domestic glory... What I affectionately call "The Meat Grinder" of young married life. Make as much money, kids, and STUFF, as humanly possible in 10 years.

In Alice's case, she becomes the hard core, PTA, gym-rat, sacrificing, high-powered Domestic Engineer that could get on the cover of O-Magazine or Real Simple (if you don't get this pun, I shun you). Her husband worked too much, made a bunch of money and things have fallen apart. Can 29 year old Alice see through the haze of middle age to connect herself back with what matters most? With muscle memory and family/friends to gently guide her, Alice takes us on a journey of self-examination in THE MEAT GRINDER.

This book has a few good twists and the ending is actually quite refreshing and affirmed my desire to never ever get divorced.

My biggest takeaway if I forgot the last 10 years? Much more practical. New kids? Whatever, call me when they're 2. The wife always looks good and accepted my abnormal behavior a long time ago. Roll into the EQ any given Sunday anywhere and good times will be had, even if it is in a ward and house I HAD NO INTENTION OF SETTLING IN. But where I'd really be up the creek is at work. I've gone from being the low-man on the totem pole to the managing director. 10 years ago I wasn't doing any business development or quality assurance work. Not to mention the experience gained in the crucible of affliction. Half of the deals I work on today weren't even on the menu then.

Yes, the 2005 F-word would be in major trouble at the office. But the Dilbert Principle says people rise to the level of their incompetence, so I guess I'd be fine eventually. Plus I'd have missed diapers for two kids, repeated punches in the nuts from Las Vegas, the Great Recession and the stress of opening an office. Yes, I would marinate in the basement and revel in the fruits of my future self. The meat grinder actually turned out some pretty good bratwurst.      

Birthday Martyr No More

The corporate psychologists tell me I am a "Power" personality. This apparently means I'm diligent, agreeable and dependable. I enjoy teamwork and naturally build groups.  I see things on a 90-day time frame, learn by doing things myself and my overriding concern is stability. I value sincerity over competency.

And now for the downside:

I confuse replication or "looking busy" with meaning and results. When things get tough, I just get silently frustrated... until I snap. Classic passive-aggressive behavior. Can't say no. Too dad-gum nice, but I will cut your head off in a breserker rage once I'm pushed over my limits.

When the boat is sinking, I'm apparently not the guy giving orders, or the one jumping out of the boat to swim to safety, not even the one sitting back and lamenting "we're hosed." I'm the guy that will mindlessly bail out water until I die.

I am a Martyr.

The Boss has wisely let me know this is not always a good thing. Especially not on your birthday. If there is to be charity and love someone must be giving and someone must be receiving. Since I feel better when doing, I have a hard time letting people serve me. I don't want any special treatment, songs, celebrations or fuss. Just let me work another day... cuz that's what makes me worthwhile.

Jesus who was the greatest servant of all, recognized the importance of letting others serve him at appropriate times.On his birthday there were wise men with gifts, shepherds and even angels singing Him praises. I don't recall him trying to stop any of that happening. He was anointed in Bethany by a woman with costly oil. When Judas complained about the cost, Jesus replied:  Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me.  For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.

If the greatest servant of all can allow himself to be served, then I guess I can let my loved ones be nice to me on my birthday. So to counteract my power-mongering ways, I sent the following bogus text to the Boss on April Fools day.

WOMAN

I AM NO LONGER A MARTYR IN THIS HOUSE. THIS FRIDAY MARKS THE SEMINAL EVENT OF MY BIRTH. I HAVE CONQUERED LIFE FOR AN ASTOUNDING 38TH YEAR IN A ROW. I HAVE GRACIOUSLY PERMITTED YOU AND THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS TO SHARE IN THE SPOILS OF MY VICTORIES FOR 15 YEARS. AS SUCH, I EXPECT HOMAGE ON THIS HIGH CELEBRATORY DAY WITH THE FOLLOWING SCHEDULE OF FESTIVITIES:

1. I SHALL AWAKE IN A BED DEVOID OF CHILDREN. SWEET MUSIC WILL FILL THE AIR AND I SHALL FEAST ON A BREAKFAST OF YOUR FINEST SCRAMBLED EGGS COOKED IN COCONUT OIL WITH THE TASTY BUTTERED TOAST I LOVE.
2. I WILL GO TO WORK TO RECEIVE THE ADULATION OF MY MINIONS PRAISES OF MY CLIENTS. A BANQUET IN MY HONOR WILL TAKE PLACE AS THE SUN REACHES ITS ZENITH, SYMBOLIZING MY ASCENDANCE TO POWER.
3. I SHALL RETURN TO MY DOMICILE AT 5:30 PM. YOU AND THE OFFSPRING SHALL GREET ME WITH CHEERS, DEF LEPPARD ON THE SONOS AND CONFETTI. 
4. I WILL THEN TAKE MY SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE FEAST TABLE WHERE YOU WILL SERVE ME AN OPEN-FACE BURGER TOPPED WITH BACON ARUGULA AND BLUE CHEESE; SUCH AS I LOVE. CHILLED COKE ZERO WILL BE ON HAND ALONG WITH TATER TOTS SEASONED TO PERFECTION. 
5. WHILE MY FOOD DIGESTS, THE MAIDENS AND TROPHY SON I SIRED ON YOU SHALL CLEAN THE KITCHEN AS YOU RUB MY FEET WITH A EUCALYPTUS-FLAX SEED LOTION. 
6. NEXT, THE WHITE TRASH CAKE OF GLORY WILL BE PRESENTED WITH EXACTLY 38 CANDLES ON IT. THESE CANDLES WILL NOT BE THE TRICK VARIETY. THE FROSTING MUST COME FROM A CAN AND BE FULL OF PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED OILS. THE TRADITIONAL SONG OF PRAISE SHALL BE SUNG AND I WILL BLOW OUT THE CANDLES. 
7. AS I RETIRE TO THE CONVERSATION PIT GLOWING WITH A ROARING FIRE, GIFTS FROM YOU AND EACH OF MY WHELPS WILL BE PRESENTED. I TRUST YOU WILL NOT DISAPPOINT ME.
8. FOLLOWING THE OFFERING OF GIFTS, I SHALL RETIRE TO MY DUNGEON OF AMUSEMENT TO VIEW INTERSTELLAR BY CHRISTOPER NOLAN. 
9. UPON THE CLOSING SCENE, THE OFFSPRING WILL GO TO BED AND I SHALL ENJOY AN EVENING TONIC.
10. FINALLY I SHALL ASCEND TO MY BEDCHAMBER TO UNWRAP THE TIEDGE PRESENT FOLLOWED BY 3 HOURS OF UNBRIDLED SEXUAL CONGRESS. YOU WILL THEN BE ALLOWED TO REST AND I SHALL EMBRACE THE SYMBOLIC DEATH OF SLEEP KNOWING I SHALL RISE IN THE MORNING TO CONTINUE MY WINNING WAYS.

SO LET IT BE WRITTEN! 

SO LET IT BE DONE.

Yeah. Passive-aggressive. I should say that she actually made almost all of it happen. Except that last part. When planning such things, you need to remember that Interstellar is a 3 hour film and there are only so many hours in the evening before your beloved falls asleep during the movie. 

But I want her to know she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can now look forward to returning the favor... for the next 364 days.