Facepalm Sunday

First of all, this has nothing to do with last minute shopping. Yesterday I took the kids to church and made it to the start of the Sacrament when a struggling CoCo decided to start telling the whole congregation to: "nooooOOOOOO!!! LET ME DOWN! LET ME GO!" So I took her out to the foyer so she could be loud. Many other Sundays I might try to read books, play games, look at paintings, etc. to get her to calm down. But she was on one; running around, turning the lamp and lights on and off, driving the rest of the people nuts. And I didn't have the energy to chase her down. All I could do was put the palm of my hand in my face and groan.

That is Facepalm Sunday. Here is my favorite Captain showing us all how its done.

That was me in the foyer. Then its off to Sunday School. The Gator won't go, starts pitching a fit in the sharing time room. I am a pathetic and horrible parent. Picard shows me the way again with more feeling.

Then a friend commiserates with me in the hallway as I try to figure out a way to handle the situation. 

 Finally, if you can't even get through the third hour...

The Best of the Blood Moons

As you know, I have a strange affinity for the end of the world or TEOTWAWKI. So naturally the BLOOD MOON exhibited in the heavens last night got me searching the internet for signs of the impending Apocalypse. Here are some scary looking graphics that may both enlighten and shock you.

Yep. That's what happened last night. No so scary eh? But what about this? 

Yes. There will be more BLOOD MOONS than what was seen last night. Check this out. 

 You will note that the 2014-15 stuff is the prelude and the second confection in 2032-33 will signal the real end... in step with what I predicted earlier (April 6, 2033).

If you are not sweating bullets yet, taste this!

Don't blame me for the complexity of celestial engineering. According to the website where I found this, here is what the chart means. http://slumz.boxden.com/f610/tetrad-of-blood-moons-2-full-solar-eclipses-and-2-partial-solar-eclipses-all-in-2-years-2058912/

"April 15th will mark the first of 4 blood moons all occurring on Jewish holidays in 2014, and 2015. If you imagine this picture as a timeline of a war between the sun and the moon, where anytime there is a blood moon, the sun wins a battle, and anytime there is a solar eclipse, the moon wins a battle. Very ancient religions view the moon as a source of evil energy, and the sun as a source of positive energy. You can see that there will be a very wild war between the sun and moon coming these next two years, but the sun will prevail and fully eclipse the moon 4 times, while the moon will fail in two of its attempts to eclipse the sun.

Ancient religious texts including the bible, and the old testament, all point towards events like these signalling the end of days and the time of the revelations. We now have videos of animals fleeing Yellowstone, the ring of fire is going crazy with earthquakes, Palestine is requesting to join with the world leadership, Israel is pushing for strikes on Iran.... Overall the level of chaos in this world right now is quite significant.

The sun will win the war with the moon, but surely the damage done throughout this time period will be catastrophic, and I wish all of you the best of luck, and I send love and peace to everyone of you, as I can a$sure you all, even those of you who refuse to believe any of this, that you will be witnessing some truly awe inspiring and mentally damaging global events. Judgement is upon us all and in 12 days, the war begins."

Laugh if you want, but the end is near. I hope you get everything done in the next 19 that you care about. And yes, the Illuminati are to blame for all of this.

Quarter of a Quartet

I don't do much singing outside the ward choir, but last night I participated in musical fireside within a quartet performing "I Love the Lord." Its an arrangement of the hymn most know as "Be Still My Soul", but with the words replaced from the "psalm" of Nephi (see 2NE 4). Its a beautiful song and I hope we did it justice. (As you know, no one would really tell us if we stunk up the joint or blew the key change). Of course, the one time I have a brief solo in church, the words are: "Yet oft I groan, O wretched man am I; my flesh is weak, and I'm encompassed by, a world of sin." I thought I saw a lot of heads nodding in the audience.

I've often been grateful over the years that my mother made me sing in high school choirs (Men's Chorus / Meistersingers) so I could play football. Its been a gift that has lasted well beyond the meat-headed days of my youth and I'll always be grateful she had the courage to be a parent who expected her children to use their talents... even if he still can't read music. The video below is from a performance of this song in General Conference if you want to hear something similar to what we did.  

Mile High Weekend

You almost thought I was going to quit the blog. Well, work has been relatively slow, no reason to quit posting, just have felt like I've got nothing to say lately or all of the joy has been sucked out of my life... until I left the kids and went away with the Boss for a weekend in the Mile High City.

Here is a quick rundown of places we visited/recommendations:

• Root Down: This was the one "must do" thing on our list. I gave an opinion on the real estate a couple of years ago and always wanted to try it out for myself. The food here is all super organic, local and politically correct; not to mention fresh and full of flavor, not a beat down of salt/sugar. Many of the dishes are sharing style so you can get a variety with your date/group. The Boss and I agree this was our favorite dining experience in years. Kinda high brow, but casual enough for anyone to enjoy. If you go, I recommend the following:
• Colorado Lamb Sliders - hands down, I say this is the must try item. Yogurt dipping sauces are fantastic and the sweet potato fries are nice on the side. 
• Carrot & Thai Red Curry Soup 
• Lemon Ricotta Gnocchi
• Bread Pudding
• Snarf's: When we went to Jim Gaffigan's show at the Buell Theater, he said he was going to try this place out. Since I seem to repeat half of what Jim says, I should also eat what the king of all food comedy eats. "You know you're really just eating your feelings... yeah but they're delicious!" Snarf's is a sub sandwich shop based out of Boulder serving toasted subs. So what? The bread is amazing for Colorado. Almost east coast good. If you know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you are already planning to go. If not, then forget everything you just read and get off my opinion diary. We had the Turkey, Swiss & Avocado. Sounds good, but just remember, its all about the bread. Quizno's is going into bankruptcy because this is the kind of toasted sub they should be serving. 
• DAM: I've blogged about our art museum before. Its worth a trip. Just stick to the weird stuff and you'll be fine.  
• Voodoo Donuts: We walked down Colfax met a bunch of charming people and did something I swore 15 years ago that I would never do again... wait 30 minutes in line for flipping donuts. At least when I did that stupid Krispy Kreme line I got to see a huge machine making donuts, get a free donut and see a waterfall of glaze (2 inches high, but whatever). All I got in this line was a bunch of tatted, angry hipsters and a menu too small to read. This place just does a few odd and wildly inappropriate things with above average donuts. Until the stupid line goes away and they get some more locations, stay away. Go to Safeway, get a dozen of your favorite donuts, chop up some bacon and dump a bunch of cold cereal on your quarry and it will be about the same thing. Trust me, look at my gut. I know what I'm talking about. I will now begin accepting knife fight requests from all Portlandiers. Too bad none of those hippie-hipsters has the balls to take me and my Mile High awesomeness on. I shun your donut franchise.  
• Grand Hyatt: Despite what the misleading websites and phone service people tell you: THEY DON'T HAVE SOAKING TUBS. So outside of getting to sleep in for a couple of mornings and watch movies in bed, this place sucked. I ran on their precious track on top of the roof. Wasn't as great as I thought it would be. Maybe the freezing wind was the reason, or that I simply suck at running.
• Syrup: This is a breakfast joint at the bottom of an office tower. Good, but nothing overly special. Go to Snooze instead if you can help it. 
• Pedicures at the Pavilions: No hot water makes for a crappy pedicure. And those ladies were just cruel. I know I've got some nasty toes, but they were digging into the flesh/cuticles like I was a Thanksgiving Turkey. I didn't even get the hot wax bags; I'm never doing this again. 

Outside of the above, we did a bunch of walking around downtown and on 16th Street mall. I love Denver, but let's face it. For someone not in the bar scene, its good but not great. The real joy of Colorado is in its mountains, 300 days of sunshine and great people. Next time we will go skiing and soak in a hot tub while the snow falls sipping hot chocolate and wear huge sweaters. Hopefully that diary post will be forthcoming next year as these weekends away with the Boss are priceless.

GAS STORM

Most new years begin with a bunch of resolutions to get skinny. I'd like mine to not stink so much. About 1 hour ago, my family endured the cataclysmic event which I call GAS STORM.

8:00 - No whiff of gas... Lizard call from slumber party seeking permission to break the iron-clad rule of no sleepovers. "JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!" After a series of NO, she hangs up on me. I return to the Sugar Bowl. 

9:30 - The Boss returns from the final estrogen celebration of her birth-week. The scent of gas within the house remains absent. 

10:27 - Boss walks out the door to pick up the Lizard from the slumber party and is struck in the face by GAS STORM. 

10:31 - Lizard calls, wondering where her ride is. I tell her that GAS STORM IS UPON US. 

10:32 - Boss calls Xcel explaining the scent is formidable outside our house. I can't smell anything on the inside. Paranoid operator (doing her job) tells us to get the children out of the house and not to turn any lights on or off. Garage door may not be closed and the car cannot be started. I get our anxiety plagued daughter out of bed saying we are going to a "surprise" party. She says I am full of hot air. 

10:35 - Since our house is clearly not safe from GAS STORM, we walk two houses over to our neighbors and stay there while the fire trucks are dispatched to investigate. --- It sure is a good thing we hauled our kids out of bed to go next door and wait out the storm that threatened the whole neighborhood.

10:37 - Boss calls Lizard and tells her that thanks to GAS STORM she must stay at the slumber party. Abe Lincoln sheds tears and 12 years of solidarity explode from GAS STORM'S fury.  

10:40 - Despite my enjoyable banter with the neighbors, I become convinced the only reason we are there is my wife assumes I am either the cause of GAS STORM or my neighbor is handy and can keep our family safe since I am incapable of dealing with such a calamity. My sense of self worth erodes by the minute despite my genial mask and dark comments about how nice it would be to die in one's sleep or all together as a family. SERIOUSLY. There are much worse ways to die.   

10:49 - Fire trucks arrive... at the neighbors house, not mine. I guess being handy ensures you are the first to get protection from GAS STORM. 

10:55 - Firemen declare the area safe from the fumes, although they eye me suspiciously...

11:07 - We return to our suspect domicile and the Littles commence flipping out at the 2nd bedtime in less than 4 hours. I may no longer smell the fumes, but the lingering after effects of the storm have just begun. 

SO LET IT BE KNOWN THAT EACH YEAR ON JANUARY 2ND, I SHALL BRING IN THE NEW YEAR BY REMEMBERING GAS STORM. We will have a slumber party on January 2nd and only our family will be invited... or we'll just go to the neighbors. 

Teach the Children the True Meaning of Christmas

Walt shared this with me and now I pass it along. My family and I will read this each year with our own bag of props. And I don't want to hear anything about the Pagans either. Regardless, the symbolism below is meaningful and should draw our minds to the real meaning of Christmas.

Late one Christmas Eve, I sank back, tired but content, into my easy chair. The kids were in bed, the gifts were wrapped, the milk and cookies waited by the fireplace for Santa. As I sat back admiring the tree with its decorations, I couldn't help feeling that something important was missing. It wasn't long before the tiny twinkling tree lights lulled me to sleep.

I don't know how long I slept, but all of a sudden I knew that I wasn't alone. I opened my eyes, and you can imagine my surprise when I saw Santa Claus himself standing next to my Christmas tree. He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot just as the poem described him, but he was not the "jolly old elf" of Christmas legend. The man who stood before me looked sad and disappointed, and there were tears in his eyes.

"Santa, what's wrong?" I asked, "Why are you crying?"

"It's the children," Santa replied sadly.

"But Santa, the children love you," I said.

"Oh, I know they love me, and they love the gifts I bring them," Santa said, "but the children of today seem to have somehow missed out on the true spirit of Christmas. It's not their fault. It's just that the adults, many of them not having been taught themselves, have forgotten to teach the children."

"Teach them what?" I asked.

Santa's kind old face became soft, more gentle. His eyes began to shine with something more than tears. He spoke softly. "Teach the children the true meaning of Christmas. Teach them that the part of Christmas we can see, hear, and touch is much more than meets the eye. Teach them the symbolism behind the customs and traditions of Christmas which we now observe. Teach them what it is they truly represent."

Santa reached into his bag and pulled out a tiny Christmas tree and set it on my mantle. "Teach them about the Christmas tree. Green is the second color of Christmas. The stately evergreen, with its unchanging color, represents the hope of eternal life in Jesus. Its needles point heavenward as a reminder that mankind's thoughts should turn heavenward as well."

Santa reached into his bag again and pulled out a shiny star and placed it at the top of the small tree. "The star was the heavenly sign of promise. God promised a Savior for the world and the star was the sign of the fulfillment of that promise on the night that Jesus Christ was born. Teach the children that God always fulfills His promises, and that wise men still seek Him."

 

"Red," said Santa, "is the first color of Christmas." He pulled forth a red ornament for the tiny tree. "Red is deep, intense, vivid. It is the color of the life-giving blood that flows through our veins. It is the symbol of God's greatest gift. Teach the children that Christ gave His life and shed His blood for them that they might have eternal life. When they see the color red, it should remind them of that most wonderful Gift."

Santa found a silver bell in his pack and placed it on the tree. "Just as lost sheep are guided to safety by the sound of the bell, it continues to ring today for all to be guided to the fold. Teach the children to follow the true Shepherd, who gave His life for the sheep."
 

Santa placed a candle on the mantle and lit it. The soft glow from its one tiny flame brightened the room. "The glow of the candle represents how people can show their thanks for the gift of God's Son that Christmas Eve long ago. Teach the children to follow in Christ's foot steps... to go about doing good. Teach them to let their light so shine before people that all may see it and glorify God. This is what is symbolized when the twinkling lights shine on the tree like hundreds of bright, shining candles, each of them representing one of God's precious children, their light shining for all to see."

 

Again Santa reached into his bag and this time he brought forth a tiny red and white striped cane. As he hung it on the tree he spoke softly. "The candy cane is a stick of hard white candy: white to symbolize the virgin birth and sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock the foundation of the church, and the firmness of God's promises. The candy cane is in the form of a 'J' to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth. It also represents the Good Shepherd's crook, which He uses to reach down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray. The original candy cane had three small red stripes, which are the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed, and a large red stripe that represents the shed blood of Jesus, so that we can have the promise of eternal life."
 

"Teach these things to the children."

 

Santa brought out a beautiful wreath made of fresh, fragrant greenery tied with a bright red bow. "The bow reminds us of the bond of perfection, which is love. The wreath embodies all the good things about Christmas for those with eyes to see and hearts to understand. It contains the colors of red and green and the heaven-turned needles of the evergreen. The bow tells the story of good will towards all and its color reminds us of Christ's sacrifice. Even its very shape is symbolic, representing eternity and the eternal nature of Christ's love. It is a circle, without beginning and without end. These are the things you must teach the children."

I asked, "But where does that leave you, Santa?"

The tears gone now from his eyes, a smile broke over Santa's face. "Why bless you, my dear," he laughed, "I'm only a symbol myself. I represent the spirit of family fun and the joy of giving and receiving. If the children are taught these other things, there is no danger that I'll ever be forgotten."

"I think I'm beginning to understand."

"That's why I came," said Santa. "You're an adult. If you don't teach the children these things, then who will?"

(Author Unknown)

What Shall We Give?

The CA just shared with me and I loved it. Simple video about small acts of kindness and service that make Christmas so wonderful. I hope all of you can feel the Lord's love for you this Holiday season.

Merry Christmas!!

Getting My A$%# Handed to Me

Last night the Lizard and I threw down on Black Friday shopping and decided to play some Nintendo Land when we got home. This game has a mode where you can go head to head or have a group competition over a bunch of mini-games. It really is quite fun... until you kid absolutely takes you to the woodshed.

Yep. My girl now owns me at video games. Normally I hear of young men that secretly cry or feel bad after beating their dad in one-on-one basketball or chess. I guess little girls missed that memo. Slammed my face into the floor and mopped it. I got every insult Mordecai and Rigby ever came up with.

Truth be told, I wasn't even that upset. Heck, I might play for 30 mins a month vs. this kid who is playing on a regular basis and has Gen Y powers. And that's what makes this a true end of an era in my life. I suck and I don't care. I've moved on from being good at something younger people tend to do.

I'm officially OLD.

 

NO MORE PATIO SHOTS

I know this has "gone viral" but I must post this for posterity. The mic drop at the end just puts the icing on the cake... or the snow on the table... shoot me.

http://www.9news.com/news/local/article/365622/346/9NEWS-anchor-pleads-for-better-snow-pictures

Catching Fire - Merchandising!

Catnip. A Baker's son with a name that sounds like Pita and the boy named Gale. Love triangle shoved down our throats for all the Twihards. And a bloody revolution. These are the 75th Hunger Games and it definitely caught fire on the screen. Rarely do I say this, but I think I liked the movie better than the book. 

WHY???

It simply spares you the one thing I detest in this series. Endless insufferable whining from Katniss. Instead, it focuses on the pain and courage required for a rebellion. I honestly don't feel like all of the detail of the book made it more enjoyable. I'd say I liked it better than the first movie as well. Plus, Caesar is even more fun to watch in this installment. 

My personal favorite moment. Early on, Katniss is about to shoot some wild Turkeys. As she draws back for the shot, I heard the Boss chanting, kill, kill, kill, kill... She really hates those animals. Ask her about it sometime. 

So back to the point of my heading. This is one of those movies where you can sell action figure dolls, but not much else without serious backlash. But if we threw out the whole PC issue, here is some merch I would totally love to buy:

• Finnick's Trident - The Gator would flip out with that featured under the tree. 
• Peeta's "Easy Bake" Bakery - If girls can make brownies with light bulbs, then my son can make a lovely rosemary olive loaf too. 
• Dresses and Suits that burst into flames for teenagers. Prom. Legendary. 
• Dream Light - Let your child find soothing comfort in a favorite tribute doll that plays the capitol theme song while shining the dead of the day on the ceiling. They could customize it so you can upload photos to show the bully from school or the mean girl who said your arms look fat. I always sleep better pondering the death of my enemies. 
• And Chocolate bars for each of the 12 districts. Nothing sweeter than feasting on the oppressed. 

Yeah. Like my merch, this whole book series for teens is pretty messed up. My only hope is that since this film largely succeeded in removing all of the Katniss drama, perhaps they can do the same with the third book and let this trilogy end in something other than disgrace. 

NYC - THE ASSAULT

Last weekend the Boss and I crossed one thing off our bucket list, a full blown trip to the Big City. We arrived Thursday afternoon and went back on Sunday staying in the W Hotel in Times Square off Broadway. Trip was sponsored by our Venture miles and home renovation! Many thanks to the Google Maps App which had all of the train routes and compass pointing me in the right direction. Here is a brief rundown of our mission to ingest as much of NYC in four days as possible. I hope you are warm and comfortable. Here is a pic with one of the new world trade center towers that we saw.

• Tons of subway travel. I love subways so we used this system to-and-from the airport and everything in between. Which also meant a ton of walking. We never took a cab and the Boss confided at the end of our trip that she was sad that she had never hailed a cab. Normally, I'm a sucker to make her dreams come true, but this one didn't happen. No crazy people or encounters on the trains. It was largely a model showcase for the MTA to these tourists. 
• Accidentally went to Brooklyn. TWICE. I thought the sign for DUMBO (not the Disney Elephant) was talking about me. 
• So much walking demanded some Gellin insoles for the Boss's boots. Apparently they were not made for walkin. 
• Snackbox in Times Square. Best donuts I've ever had. Period. Heck, go there just for that. Coconut Creme and Peanut Butter. The texture was amazing. Krispy Kreme really is white trash. This place has ruined my opinion of all other donuts... not that I'm going to quit eating them anytime soon. 
• LDS Temple. Its awesome. You should go... but it may have technically been the priciest thing on our list. Steve Young basically told Jerry Rice the same thing. 
• BTW we met a great couple there that we hung out with off/on for several days: the Today Show, Empire State and the MET.
• You know I don't do names on here, but one of our new friends is a full-on doppelganger for Stephanie Meyer. I was half expecting her to get stopped over it. 
• And no, for once in my life I did not ask any embarrassing questions about it. (although I should have).  
• LOTS AND LOTS OF PIZZA. DURING THE DAY AND LATE AT NIGHT. By far the best was John's on Bleecker Street. It was condemned last year for infestation... its that old and yes there was still a serious line to get in. Its that good. I'm that much of a tourist. Go look it up. It was fantastic. Thanks to "The Sweat" for that recommendation. 
• Second place was some dive directly southeast of the Empire State. Yes, the pizza made me giddy. 
• Jersey Boys - This musical had everything you'd want in a Broadway show, good story, laughs, lots of fun music and tons of swearing. Yes, leave the kids at home for this one and rat me out to my Bishop so I can become the hymn book coordinator. 
• TOURIST JUNK SHOPPING IN CHINATOWN - I have no idea what possess people to want to buy lame tee shirts, statues and knock-off designer bags from theses places. Hence, the reason I still find my wife full of mystery. But hey, this whole trip was not just for me. 
• MoMA - I'm sure the Boss would say "I have no idea what possess people to want to blow $25 to look at kids paint splotches and see pointless works of art where silence is a 4'33 song." And she is totally right. I actually had more fun at the San Francisco and DC MoMAs than this one. Its got all of the Picasso's, etc. but I want the truly crazy stuff like rooms filled with machines cutting paper into art. 
• The MET - Don't know what to say. Its the MET. We went and saw nothing good. Nothing good? What do you mean!? We saw priceless works of art.. we ate pancreas!? (name that reference!)
• Grand Central Station - Nice architecture. Lots of trains, beams of light and a clock. 
• 9/11 Memorial - The museum was not yet open, but the waterfalls in the foot prints of the two towers was spiritual and haunting. The holes seems to just drag you down to the sorrow of that moment and the water has a cleansing aura. Very well done. The new towers look cool, it will be nice to see the whole thing completed. BTW - they are making a killing off the entry fees.

• Wall Street - Yep. Satan and his minions are there with a ton(s) of gold beneath the Fed according to the Museum of Finance. The bull statue was cool, except for all the annoying people trying to get a picture touching its balls. At least I saw no one treating it like the Blarney Stone...
• Cheese-steak Cart - Famished and wanting after the EPIC FAILURE of Champ's deli to produce a sandwich worth eating (yes we actually threw away $18 worth of food. Why? Because we were better than it) we found this cart. Cheese whiz, peppers and steak? It was bliss. 
• Found Fletcher Street. Seemed like a tiny alley that time forgot.Took a picture. Apparently its getting a make-over. Go Fletcher Street!  http://www.lowermanhattan.info/construction/project_updates/30_fletcher_street_79675.aspx
• Slept in twice. Time well spent. 
• BUT DID NOT SLEEP IN on Friday for THE COMMUNIST TODAY SHOW.
• My precious Broncos Sign was made for free. "Mile High Madness | Go Broncos!"
• My precious Broncos Sign did not make it into the broadcast even though they said it would
• The only reason they asked us to be in that "so called fame shot" was becuase my wife is so beautiful... and we had Stephanie Meyer with us.
• Boss shook Al Roker's hand. I had chills. 
• Hear the news delivered from a communist perspective. I was tempted to try to get the crowd to start chanting DRAGO! DRAGO! DRAGO! 
• Stayed wayyyy too long. I ran away to Walgreens and got warm for a good clip of the time. 
• FAO - It was just like Big. The piano was there and its all 30+ years old and completely jumped the shark. 
• Dylan's Candy Bar. Tons of candy, loud music, kid friendly with a bar upstairs. New York!
• Serendipity 3 - The home of the original iced hot chocolate. Yes, I know that's an oxymoronic food but I didn't invent it. Worth the 45 minute wait? You bet. It was charming and the bizarre Summer Bries sandwich was delicious. 
• I can't believe I've typed this much already and you are still reading. You deserve THE TRIPLE CROSS. (name that reference!)
• Starbucks truly is on every other corner and the lines to get a stupid hot chocolate are insane. 
• Seems like 1/3 of all women were wearing spandex or tights. Often with no skirt and no it was not always attractive. Yep, that questionable look may be coming soon to your hood. 
• Saw lots of hipsters with ironic modes of transportation and popular counter culture clothing... Good for them. 
• Peanut Butter & Co. This was a pleasant surprise next to NYU in "THE VILLAGE" (Greenwich). I had a maple peanut butter bacon sandwich and it was jaw dropping or locking. Boss got the Elvis. Even better. 
• Central Park. Its nice. But to a guy from Colorful Colorado, it doesn't do much for me. Bought some chestnuts that were roasted, but not over an open fire. They seemed awfully bland. No wonder I've never had them before. 
• It was fun to muse over how many times this place has been mangled in super-hero battles while walking around. 
• Did I say we ate a ton of food? 
• I should also mention we walked it all off. I weighed less after the trip than before. So did the Boss.  
• EAT THAT NEW YORK CITY!!! I DEFY YOU!!!

My biggest take away from the trip was how much fun I had with my wife. Take any couple with nearly 15 years of history and get them in each other's faces for 4 days non-stop in the NYC pressure cooker and tempers could flare. Quite the opposite for us. I wish I could do nothing but tour the world with her. But alas, these are the days of our lives and at least I get to spend a few great ones like these with her alone once every three years.

Now go and do all the stuff we did. Seriously. The list is not long enough when you are with someone you love. Here are some of the pics. Don't tell anyone who we are. 

ENDER - The End of Card?

“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them.... I destroy them.” A.E. Wiggin

This is a bit late in coming, but wanted to chime in with my thoughts on this book adaptation. Card is probably one of the best known LDS authors (not counting that mom in AZ) and has a TON of material that could be made into movies. I read an article with Card saying this film was like an audition to Hollywood for his other books. If this one makes it, others can follow. Which makes sense, movies on this scale need to be bankable and have some built-in measure of success or following before being made. So... does this movie do the book justice and create a huge market for adapting Card's works into film?

The short answer is NO.

According to Box Office Mojo, this thing cost $110M to make and after the first couple of weeks (where most the bling is made) it only made about $63M world wide. That's basically a death knell for adapting the rest of his works since this was regarded as his best or most popular book. Some say the gay rights activists killed the momentum of the film. HOGWASH. Are you serious? They may not like Card, but hardly have the time or inclination to do serious boycott/damage to the film. The target audience for this movie was not the gay community. Like politics, you need to energize your base and win over new/swing supporters. The base is not large or outspoken and off the cuff it looks like another sci-fi movie with explosions.

This movie in my opinion was as good as one could hope for. The production values were strong, acting was good enough, music and effects worked nicely. Can't recall anything super-awkward or silly. However, many including Card had thought this book un-adaptable since its written largely in between the ears. It did an OK job of showing you what happened on the outside, but it failed to really convey Ender's personal struggle and genius, which are what makes character and the book so popular... and that is what the rest of his books typically rely on as well. Perhaps this movie really needed another 30-45 mins to explore battle school and give Ender more time to develop on screen?

I was particularly disgusted that many of the "fart" references from the book failed to make it into the film. 

So its sad that no more Card works are coming to the cinema anytime soon. I wish they would, but my tastes don't match the budgets, electoral college or the popular vote. This flick is definitely worth a rental and may get you interested in a bunch of other books that I loved, so I guess this can't be all bad for Card and his portfolio after all.

Gravity - The Theater Event of 2013

IMAX 3D + Gravity = Mind-blowing.

Several years ago I posted about Avatar and how I'd never seen anything like it. I'm pleased to say that feat has just been replicated, only this time I have no complaints over naked blue aliens making me feel like a capitalist swine pig who abuses minorities for fun and profit.

This movie is relatively simple in plot and dialogue, but rich in visuals and visceral emotion. It comes off as more of a study in core emotions such as fear, grief, pain, hope, and courage. There is beautiful symbolism in the simple essential nature of life and how fragile it is.

Without spoiling the film, I'd also say there are some interesting spiritual messages about prayer, faith, sacrifice and hope.

Sandra Bullock and George Clooney did a fantastic job. They definitely help you feel the terror and emotion of the moment, but not in an overly dramatic fashion. I would imagine that is a hard balance to strike in front of a green screen and of course the director deserves props for getting that out of them.

What really impressed me the most in this film was the camera work. Its like a fish in water that can swim anywhere around the astronauts or their ships and even seamlessly get inside their heads for a first-person perspective. Dealing with 360 degrees of freedom, planning out those shots must have been tedious (I heard it took 4 years to make this film) but it comes off graceful and really enjoyable to watch.

Finally a word about IMAX and 3D. Owning a 3D projector at home I think I'm qualified to comment on this. There are two key aspects of this technology.

1. Depth perception of the image - This is what most people don't consider with 3D. It allows you see spatial relationships as if you were there with your own eyes.  
2. Pop-out Effects - This is what most people think of and is difficult to do well without it being a cheesey distraction. 

Normally, I hate 3D because it can be distracting (wearing glasses), makes the picture dark (due to the lenses on the glasses) and most 3D movies were not made for 3D and are just a cheap up-scaling with almost no benefit.

Let me assure you, its not just a gimmick in this show. It took forever to make was developed for 3D viewing. Having your field of vision full with depth perception makes the experience remarkable and elements of shrapnel flying at you are not just for gee-whiz effect, its part of the story. Additionally the droplets of blood, tears, etc are all beautifully captured with this technique.

Simply put, this is a film that should be experienced at least once on a big screen. Avatar, Jurassic Park, Star Wars/Trek, 2001: A Space Odyssey are a few that come to mind. Easily the best movie of 2013 thus far and likely to stay that way.

The Bronco Way

Stuck in an epic shoot-out with time winding down and ball control could mean the game?

The Drinking Game for Mormons

Thanks to Megan, I now have a fantastic idea to implement for the next session of General Conference. Before the start of the Mo Tabs singing, have the following on hand:

1. Several chilled 2-liters of full bodied, caffeinated soda or whole chocolate milk - in honor of the heroin laced variety they sell at the BYU Creamery. 
2. Shot glasses for all participants.
3. Table near the TV for pouring in rapid order.
4. Volume at maximum, sub-woofer at full capacity for the bass pedal notes.
5. Bonus - Eat 1 tater tot with each shot

Each time you see the following during the music, take a shot. 

• Anyone not Caucasian
• Anyone mouthing "watermelon"
• The conductor
• The organist
• Anyone singing with their eyes closed
• Add your own rule

This is stupid, but then that's exactly the point. Have fun and keep it all down and off the carpet. 

REJOICE POT-HEADS!!

I'll admit, I was really starting to get sad about the HP universe dying. No more books, movies, etc. I'm a balding middle-aged man, but went giddy like a school girl over the following:

http://stream.wsj.com/story/latest-headlines/SS-2-63399/SS-2-325215/

Is she going to make a bazillion pounds off this? YES. And I love it! 

I've said it before, if they made a full-on theme park out of HP, I'd be more than happy to visit every 5-10 years. 

Now, let's light a bucket of chicken on fire and pray that the Ghost of the Phantom Menace stays Far Far Away from this production.  

Stomping Grounds, Sacred Grounds & BBQ

I've been meaning to catch up to this for some time and am now setting my universe straight. A few months ago Jeff (as you know I don't do last names on here) invited me to hop into his Mercedes and make a 1,700+ mile road trip in 3 days to his native St. Louis for the Baptism of an old friend and a weekend of culinary debauchery. Along the way, we would visit some church history sites and get some Kansas City BBQ. How could I resist? Here is the blow by blow of our epic quest for nostalgia through travel and food.

DAY 1
854 Miles traveled
4,500 calories consumed

We started out Friday morning and made it to KC around 4 or 5 PM. I've never been to KC before and had been fixin to eat some BBQ in one of its most famous cities. I'm partial to the heavier tomato based sauces so I was expecting to achieve nirvana upon finishing my plate. I should first state that my ideal BBQ is not a fancy place where men are trying to impress women. I want a run-down, shack where men eat like men and if women are there, they are throwing any diet out the window. The guy cooking should be a swarthy individual sweating into everything he serves. So, with that said, one of Jeff's friends recommended Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. http://www.oklahomajoesbbq.com/. Located as part of a Gas station near the hood, it fit the bill! Was it the out-of-body experience I had hoped for? No. Some of the best BBQ I've had, but perhaps I went in with expectations too high. The sauce was fantastic. I could have just dunked bread it and been very happy.

Next, we proceeded to flex the sub-woofer and drive through downtown KC while playing Sir Mix-A-Lot's Big Butts song. Typing it here it sounds somewhat juvenile for a couple of 30 something dudes; but for us, a dip into the fountain of youth.

Satisfied all were now aware of our taste in music, we headed over to catch some of the KC Royals and Anaheim Angels game. I was shocked to learn Jeff (major Cardinals fan) had never visited this park so close to home. Of course he mocked and derided everything about the place along with their fans the whole time. Although he grudgingly admitted the place was fairly full, probably due to $1 hot dog night. Worried we would not get into STL until 2AM, we left the pathetic Royals game early and crashed on his sister's couches.

DAY 2
50-100 Miles traveled
10,000 calories consumed

I awake to the humidity and green foliage of suburb know as Fenton. Right from the start Jeff rocks my worldview and informs me that Panera Bread is really just the Saint Louis Bread Company re-branded for a national campaign. But rather than visiting some vile corporate chain establishment first, we drive through the neighborhood as Jeff regales me with tales of all of the trouble he got into a child and where every hot girl used to live in the area. If I didn't know him better, I'd be worried about his aptitude for serial killing. But after visiting so much history, breakfast is calling and we head for Russell's Bakery, a joint now run by his childhood neighbor. We are going to partake of "Gooey Butter Cake" a STL delight. But due to the memorial weekend, we are thwarted as Russel is more interested in fishing that keeping his restaurant open. Not to be denied after nearly 1,000 miles of travel, we drive to his other location downtown and feast on this singular breakfast treat.

For those of you who are uninitiated, GBC is like a lemon bar, minus the lemon, but just a hint more of a rich creamy flavor that has a subtle and smooth finish. The guilt is swelling in me now. Next we head to the church where Jeff will baptize his old friend. Despite not presenting a temple recommended, he performs the baptism and shortly after exiting the font, realizes there are no towels. Thus Jeff's friend (David) was forced to start his new life in the Kingdom with a paper towel pat-down. Thanks to this fiasco, I sang about 50 hymns with the group while we waited for them to return. After all that exhaustive singing and Jeff's hard work to get dry, it was time to eat again!

Next was Cecil Whittaker's Pizzeria where I was treated to ultra thin crust pizza but the real star was Toasted Ravioli, another STL specialty. All was good and the ravioli was interesting, but not quite the revelation of the GBC. Parting ways with David, we headed into downtown and saw a bunch of sights including the Arch (which I realized was not white but steel - I know I'm an idiot), Busch Stadium (home of the STL Cardinals), some abandoned railroad mall and visited some of the spectacular free museums.

Dressed in a suit with my goatee, I was accused of looking like a Tony Stark wannabe in front of this gateway to the west.

Naturally all of that driving and moderate walking called for more food! (Yes, I don't allow myself any other vice). We decided to reverse order and go to Ted Drewes (the all time greatest custard place in STL) prior to dinner. Custard is like ice cream on steroids and is verrrry good. Its so think you can flip it upside down and experience no drippage or falling of the food. I got a Smores mash-up, but after looking at Jeff's apple pie (yes a real apple pie crushed up in custard) I got an unconscionable second helping and loved every bite of it. Jeff informs me I'm the only person he's ever seen attempt such a feat. My powers of gluttony were in full swing...

Next we headed to the Italian district for some mafia good food. At this point we were so full that dinner was a chore. We ate Provel Cheese sticks, which are unique to the area and were tasty, but I couldn't hardly touch my entree. I mean no disrespect to this place so I will leave it unnamed. Headed back to Fenton, I ate a bundle of parsley and went to bed.

DAY 3
854 Miles traveled
5,000 calories consumed

Sunday, Fattening Sunday... We stopped off at one of Jeff's old wards where he was warmly greeted by some old lady who had a recipe book and something else magically ready for him. Some girl he used to date shunned him after Sacrament and I continued to be the mysterious, handsome stranger accompanying the prodigal son. After church we struck out for the long trek home. Before leaving town, we frequented the infamous (that means more than famous) White Castle. In case Jeff's wife ever reads this, I'll spare the details of what he ordered. Let's just say there was enough processed cheese to get to a triple bypass. I actually laughed out-loud when he placed his order (which I assumed must have included me) and then asked me what I wanted.

After much travel, we arrived on the eastern edge of KC or Jackson County Missouri. This is where New Jerusalem will be built and is a curious sight of historical and future significance to LDS people. We toured the visitor's center, walked the vacant lot and saw the RLDS or now Community of Christ Temple. Here are some photos.
Since I don't like to delve much into politics or religion on this blog, I'll leave it alone except for the Liberty Jail. During our tour, we were joined by two younger men in working (cowboyish) attire that were very quiet. Towards the end of the tour, the older Missionary giving the tour testified that one day our friends would know that Wilford Woodruff was a prophet of God. And the lights went on for me. I realized these were some good ol boys from a polygamist splinter group. I was content to leave them alone, but Jeff would not be satisfied. He chased them down in the parking lot and began to interrogate them as to which compound they were from and mentioned several reality TV shows which I'm sure they found to be repugnant or ignorant of. After a major internal struggle of of the guys said they were from the Warren Jeff's clan and not to believe everything in the media. Whatever. But it was fun.

Finally, we visited Gate's BBQ another KC staple where you are greeted with the catch phrase "May I heeellp yoooou?" whenever you walk in the door. Maybe I was too fooded out at this point, but I was not impressed. Not bad, but sadly on par with BBQ in Denver.

Summary BBQ Judgement: KC BBQ is good, better than Denver (easily) but on par Q can be found at Rudy's in Colorado Springs. So save the drive if you are craving a serious BBQ experience on the Front Range.

The rest of the drive late into the wee hours of the morning went successfully (with much diet dew on my part) and thus another LDS bachelor roadie was committed to the annals of history. [yes that pun was intended]. I'm still not sure my colon has recovered. But like John Cougar says, "It hurts so good."

Rocky IV = Inception

During the last 4th of July gala at my house, we were feeling patriotic and decided to watch Rocky IV to celebrate one man ending the cold war and help secure American freedoms.

Towards the end of the film, I started to wonder how this movie would have been accepted by a member of the Politburo and then it hit me.

ROCKY IV WAS A SECRET GOVERNMENT LED FILM USED TO PERFROM INCEPTION ON MIKHAIL GORBACHEV. 

Imagine watching a movie and seeing yourself stand up and applauding the mantra, "If I can change, you can change... EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!!" 

Christoper Nolan was obviously inducted into the inner circle of the Illuminati and the New Word Order years ago, otherwise he would not have been entrusted with such large budget films to shape the views of millions with his work. His film on the concept of inception was very interesting, but the idea of shared dreaming always seemed a bit ludicrous to me. In fact, the whole point of the movie Inception was make us believe that the real thing was not possible or out of the realm of reality.

Think about it. What experience is closer to shared dreaming than watching a movie with several close friends? How many people have pointed to a movie as changing their world view or outlook on different people, places or ideologies? Everytime you watch a movie, you make yourself vulnerable to inception at the hands of the Illuminati.

In this case, the NWO wanted the fall of the CCCP and so they used one of their most reliable tactics. Inception through film... AND IT WORKED. Once again, we may hate the Illuminati and the NWO, but they sometimes produce results that the rest of us enjoy... for the moment.

Brother Husbands - Pioneering the Future

Mormon Feminist Housewives Rejoice!

Today while cleaning the house with my B.I.L., I realized we were accomplishing much in a short period of time. Soon my mind began to dwell upon the fantasy of cloning myself to achieve my Highest and Best Use in life. Since that is highly unethical, I decided the next best thing would be to go out to the male market and find myself... a Brother Husband.

Let me just say it now: Its not about the sex. In the modern economy where the ideal is a woman staying at home with the children and two or six incomes are required, this makes total sense. Full pay for the same work, no glass ceiling and no maternity leave to disrupt the family revenue stream.

Since the number of children would not explode like polygamy, children would benefit from a mother's full nurturing attention. The best schools and tutors could be attended, all sporting interests embraced with no lack of fatherly coaching or support on the sidelines. Christmas and birthday parties? Off the chain...

And let's not forget the benefits to men.

• Six income against 1 mortgage? You could qualify to live in a SICK home with an infinity pool, home theater, steam room, full gym, basketball court and massive spa. 
• Imagine only having to cover Valentines day once every six years! 
• Buying the wife diamonds only represents one month's salary.
• Six Dudes for a child to fear... child defiance disappears. 
• Facial hair with no guilt. Even handle bar mustaches.  
• Mowing the lawn once every other month.
• Putting only 1 to 2 children to bed at night. 
• Dishes once per week (kids have to do at least one night)
• Camping every weekend and its not just survival, its MEN vs. WILD. 
• Genuine need for a male nursing lounge in every chapel. 
• Full basketball team with one man to stay behind in rotation to keep the wife happy!

I could go on, but I welcome your ideas.

Brother Husbands, I know what you are thinking. But you are wrong. If you divert all of that pent-up energy to other ideals, imagine the good that could be accomplished! The following blog details ideas from Napoleon Hill's classic THINK AND GROW RICH.

http://boldanddetermined.com/2011/10/24/how-to-harness-your-sexual-energy/

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1612930298/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=boldanddete-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=1612930298

Did I mention Twinkies came back today?

Just set aside your ego and jealousy, read the blog and you will be convinced polyandry this is the way to go.
Its time for the pendulum to swing the other direction and for families to embrace their full potential. Soon marriages of any kind will be permitted in society. Its time to Pioneer a new family for the new economy in the 21st Century. Not every man has what it takes to be a Brother, but for those willing, the maximum productivity and satisfaction in life awaits.

How to Create a Horcrux - Wikihow

Years ago I found this article on Wikihow that has since been deleted so I now post it here since this blog is my own horcrux. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/01/truth-about-this-blog.html It just a shame they take themselves so seriously that they deleted it. 

HOW TO CREATE A HORCRUX

1. Become an extremely powerful witch or wizard. This will take years of study and sacrifice which lie beyond the scope of a WikiHow article. As a general guide you should not attempt to create a horcrux until you can cast non-verbal killing curses.

2. Locate an object of extreme significance to you. An emotional attachment to the object will aid the process and make it easier on your body and soul.

3. Bathe in the Water of Sorrows and eat 1 cup of paste made from the Herb of Undeath no sooner than 12 hours before committing the principal act of the ritual.

4. Cast the preliminary incantation in the presence of your object. Bring your wand from hanging medial at your side to in front of your heart at approximately 45 degrees from your waist. At this point you should flick the wand in a circular fashion 146 degrees and then whip it outwards to the full extension of your limb. During this last movement issue the following command: "Voces fallacis amicae"

5. Perform an act of unspeakable evil while carrying the object you wish to turn into a horcrux. Murder is dirty but very effective in this regard.

6. Within 15 minutes of performing the act, clutch the object you wish to turn into a horcrux with both hands and yell the following incantation: "Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!"

7. You will lose consciousness. This is a normal part of the process. When you have awoken the object in your hands will be a horcrux. You will feel very different (some have described the feeling as if you are "half empty") and will have an almost motherly affection to the object.

8. Cast protective spells on and around the horcrux, and do not tell anyone of its existence. You must eliminate anyone that finds out.

Tips 

• Although you should choose objects which are significant to you, be careful not to choose objects that can be linked to you with relative ease. This will generally send hordes of jealous followers or irritating enemies out to destroy your horcrux, leaving you half a soul closer to death. 
• Don't ask your potions master about the creation of horcruxes, as it may undo all of your plans at a later date when he feels sympathy for a boy whose parents you killed a decade earlier. It is easier to figure out the general process through this wikiHow article, through books in your school library (please remember to wear an Invisibility Cloak while browsing to avoid attracting attention), or ask general advice from the Dark Lord himself (avoid seeming too curious, or he may see you as a threat and set out to destroy your horcruxes). 
• Don't make your horcrux your pet snake. Remember, driving somone's parents to insanity MAY make them want to destroy you. 

Warnings 

• Do not attempt to split your soul into seven pieces. It sounds very fashionable but will turn you into a psychopathic maniac, assuming you are not one already. (Note: If you are a psychopathic maniac, it may be simpler to avoid the process all together, as it will simply cause you to appear more unhinged and cause man to avoid you).
• When a teenage wizard comes to challenge you without a weapon in the midst of an epic battle, DO NOT attempt to kill him with the same curse which has already backfired on three previous occasions. He probably knows something that you don't.
• Don't even bother trying to find the Deathly Hallows. Honestly, just don't.
• While a teenage wizard is attempting to make an epic fight-to-the-death speech, realize that you do not need to listen to him. It would be much simpler to just perform the Avada Kedavra (Killing) Curse on the spot (or at least use the Cruciatus Curse.)But also remember warning #2 just in case
• Do not leave behind any memories people may have that your old professor could use to figure out your plan and annihilate your horcruxes