The Fletch Word

Mitt Rocks the Warrior's Gym

2012-02-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

On the spur of the moment this evening I decided to attend a rally for Mitt "The Warrior" Romney. I generally do not talk politics on this blog but since I want an authentic Horcrux, I will record this event.

I'll start by saying its amazingly easy to put yourself in a position to kill a presidential candidate. I marched right into the gym of Arapahoe High School with no strip search and no questions asked. I was within 30 feet of Warrior Romney showing up just moments before he came on stage. Time travelers from the future take note.

But since I didn't care to shoot him, I listened and clapped, and even (GASP) screamed.

I have a hard time at these events. Mormons are trained to NEVER - EVER --- interrupt a speech with shouting or cheering. And we never, never, never clap after someone is done talking. Can you imagine people flipping out in General Conference? ... We will endure and keep the commandments .... WOOOOO!!!!! MONSON, MONSON, MONSON!!!

However this is the norm with political speeches. Unfortunately, Mitt's upbrining would not allow all of the rowdy fans to keep chanting "ROMNEY, ROMNEY, ROMNEY." At least he has a problem basking in the adulation of teeming masses large enough to fill a high school gym.

Mitt came prepared for us Coloradans and recited verses from America the Beautiful and pointed out it was written by a woman from Massachusetts on top of Pike's Peak. We are now bound to Warrior Romney forever this great state.

Some politician spoke about a story I've not heard about Mitt. Read the following: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2007/dec/28/mitt-romney/romney-did-help-save-teen/

Apparently Mitt is in the habit of going to the rescue. The speech was good, people cheered and everyone left lathered up, ready to do battle at the caucuses tomorrow. And yes, I can now tell my great grandchildren from my deathbed 150 years from now that I was there. And here is the video to prove it.

I broke some of my internal rules with this video see if you can spot the six people I know in this clip. And no, I don't know the scary looking lady.

Chronicle - THE MOVIE

2012-02-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SPOILERS OR LEAVE THIS PATHETIC PLACE NOW.

*************

OK. This movie was SICK. Blair Witch meets Heroes without all of the season 2 garbage. Three teens discover telekinetic superpowers from Superman's spaceship which they found inside a hole in the earth outside a sweet high school rave party. Are you dialed in yet?

Seriously, the documentary style really sucks you into the story so that by the time the action comes, you are totally invested in the superpowers as real. And for once, a movie was not afraid to make the politically correct victim become the bad guy or THE APEX PREDATOR.

I'm actually putting that as a huge plaque over Gator's bed

Yep. Go see this movie it rocks - especially the flight sequences. And no, there will not be a sequel unless too much money is involved and in that case, there will be a sequel. Regardless the ending was great. Apparently good movies are released this time of the year after all...

Suber Bowl XLVI & The Shiz

2012-02-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

For you Mormon readers, here is some allegory on what happened in the Superbowl and a look into THE FUTURE. Brought to you by Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus!!!

Back in the day there was a dude known as Coriantumr. This guy was tough. No matter how many times he went to battle or nearly bled to death, he always found a way to win...
Until one day, some dude named Lib had enough of Coriantumr winning. Through a secret combination known as nepotism, he obtained the kingdom and fought Coriantumr. They had battles but Coriantumr always got the best of Lib. Until one day, Lib died trying to beat Coriantumr. And the people were sad.
But the brother of Lib rose up and began to layeth the smack down on Coriantumr. The brother was such a haas that a cry went up throughout the land: "Who can stand before the Army of Shiz? Behold, he sweepeth the earth before him!"
The fighting continued, the bodies piled up and the smell was tremendously troubling. Eventually millions are assembled for mortal combat, women and children armed to the teeth and disemboweling each other. Finally after nearly every is chopped to pieces, Coriantumr slays Shiz by chopping his head off. Famously, Shiz tries to fight even after decapitation by raising up on his hands and gasping for breath. The end.

So what does this have to do with SBXLVI???
Coriantumr - Tom Brady
Lib - Peyton Manning
Shiz - Eli Manning

Yes, Peyton was a mighty warrior, but could never defeat Brady. But once his brother got hold of a proper army, he rose up and became:

THE SHIZ

OK Paul Harvey, now I'll give you the rest of the story. We can once again use the Book of Mormon to predict future American Football events as it is uniquely qualified to do so.

The people of New England will become so incensed over the loss of Brady at the hands of Shiz they will assemble for mortal combat with the people of New York. Sounds crazy? Listen to Brady's wife:

"While making her way toward the elevator, Giants fans were harassing the supermodel, yelling that "Eli rules, Eli owns your husband." and she responded to her entourage. "You [need] to catch the ball when you're supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time"

It will be blood for blood as angry east coast women and children kill each other to prove which quarterback the love the most. After Brady kills Shiz thanks to good looks, charm and inability to bleed to death, aliens will come to the east coast from outerspace and Brady will teach them "The Patriot Way."

And that's how Josh McDaniels will become the supreme puppet ruler of the earth for invading aliens that take advantage of us after the battle of Brady and Shiz.

Signature Moves

2012-02-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

This evening as I claimed my supper, I realized that my wife truly knows how to shake things up at the dinner table. Outside of her signature rotisserie chicken and salad combo, I never know what to expect. Open face Blue Cheese burgers with water cress or straight faced Lentil Soup. Prior to marriage, I used to wonder why they have all of those recipes at the back of magazines. Now I know it was all for her. And then I realized her signature move in the kitchen is not chicken and salad, its the back end of Real Simple.

"What I say is true - anyone can cook... but only the fearless can be great." - Chef Gusteau

Nearly everyone has a signature dish. My Mother had classics like Chicken Artichoke Casserole and Red Enchiladas, Dad had Cheese Souffle and I have cold cereal in an over sized bowl. I'd be happy to hear some of your favorites.

On a similar vein, should everyone have a signature scent? Until two months ago, the Boss thought all perfume smelled like grannies. But now I'm told she needs to establish her "signature scent." I don't know what it was called, but my mom definitely had one. My Dad had Lectric Shave and I have Swagger.

Baby don't change. Your signature move is to keeps it fresh by always mixing things up.

And yes, my signature move in Basketball is the ugly shot.

This House is Now Clear

2012-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was informed of the following warning that pops up when my blog is visited:

The warning was due to my usage of Soundboard where I had compiled some favorite quotes. Since I can no longer use this portion of the internet as a mindless slave offering perfect execution of funny quotes on demand, I will now have to offer my personal services. Call my cell phone anytime you want to hear:

"ITS DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL!!!"

or

"They don't think I know a butt-load of crap about the Gospel but I DO."

So, until the Singularity occurs, these services will be yours free of charge.

Food Club for Women

2012-01-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

This evening I got a steaming hot plate of cockamamia from the Boss. As her "colleagues" showed up for their monthly venture of tasting Denver, I was informed tonight's outing was not the usual visit to a new restaurant but a "planning meeting."

Seriously? A not-so-secret yet exclusive club made by women for women to taste food but not in the presence of men.

That just sounds evil. Why not just call it Food Club for Women? That's a non-threatening name us husbands can get behind. All men belong the universal Food Club for Men which has its annual high holidays during Thanksgiving and the Superbowl. Notice on those two holidays, we men get a bizarre, yet wonderful pass to eat as much as we can and not do any cooking or dishes.

So I guess the FCW strikes back at the heart of inequality by making us dudes stay home, clean and watch the children while they "taste" food with no dishes, men or responsibility. 12x per year....

Boycott 3-D Star Wars

2012-01-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, Star Wars wasn't just cool, it was AWESOME. Darth Vader was actually scary and even the Ewoks couldn't ruin Jedi. Life was good.

Then came the re-release of the trilogy with the "special enhancements." But I was in a time capsule at the time so I did not see these movies on the big screen. Only continued thoughts about the vastness and importance of eternity BARELY kept me from going insane with jealousy within my time capsule.

Next, I was punched in the face by the Phantom Menace. Then the Clones attacked me, until all I had on my mind was Revenge.

Now I laugh at Chad Vader, George Lucas jokes and kiddie clone wars cartoons.

DUDE. WHERE'S MY FRANCHISE??

I refuse to let George Lucas have more of my hard earned cash for a technology that is a complete money making scam. Yes, the upcoming release of the saga in 3-D is nothing but a complete ruse to take people's hard earned cash and enrich a man who lost all his creative talent in 1984. This non-sense of Lucas making more and more money off releasing the same movies over and over again HAS GOT TO STOP!!! I WILL NOT SUPPORT IT ANY LONGER. VOTE WITH YOUR WALLETS AND MAKE THAT MAN RETREAT TO SKYWALKER RANCH FOREVER!!!

ok I'm done.

Plastic Cookies?

2012-01-25T20:16:00.000-08:00

What comes but once a year and cannot be bought at a store? What non perishable food never lasts longer than 24 hours?

Precious Girl Scout Cookies.

In honor of these saturated wafers of unholy goodness, I now present my top 5 GSC's.

5. Lemonades - Almost lemon barish, but not quite
4. Trefoils - I must be getting old...
3. Samoas - Yes, the name takes me to a tropical place with coconuts rich in fat
2. Tagalongs - Cookie, chocolate and peanut butter. Almost as much of a winner as Star Wars in 77.
1. Thin Mints - These will go on a future list of foods I am convinced are laced with Heroin.

At nearly 63% saturated fat, these babies could survive in my apocalyptic nightmare cannibal gang survival kit for nearly 20 years. And who says plastics foods are bad? Even the cannibal gang members will be eating them before they eat me.

Genesis and Execution

2012-01-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of this season I had some mild hopes for the Broncos. So I decided to organize a small gathering to watch the game. I knew they were not a good team, but I was excited for the return of football and had my hopes crushed by the Raiders. I vowed to never host another game the rest of the season. So at the end of the season, I thought I could dodge my oath by getting someone else to host the game. But once again, my team gets pasted when two or more are gathered in their name.

Here is a clip from the game in case you missed it. You need to watch to the end for the full effect of what happened tonight.

Let's face it. Everybody hates the Patriots almost as much as Ivan Drago and his supermodel wife and the jerk pulling his strings.

"THROW THE TOWEL! THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!" John Fox should have got out the lacy-pink panties hidden in his sock midway into the 3rd quarter and thrown them on the field and forfeited the game. But NOOOOooooooo. We had to sit through to the bitter end because the fourth quarter is "Tebow Time." Apparently when the other team is prepared and uninjured, the Broncos are one of the worst teams in football... lying on the floor bloody and dead.

At first I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine. Next the Boss asks me to make a run to Walgreens. While in the store I considered purchasing an enema kit.

If it dies, it dies. I was entertained and now its time to face reality. I'm never organizing another Broncos event as long as I live.

Artsy Fartsy Critic Time

2012-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

To some of you, the movies I watch are dreadful. Well, its more like all of you. So whether you are planning to "Neanderthal" someone or just waste your time watching lame or high-brow cinema, here are some notes on a few films I've seen in recent memory.

Quick observation before we get started. If reviews of a film focus more on the director than the plot or the actors, you know you are watching an "artsy-fartsy" film.

Certified Copy - This flick was made by Abbas Kiarostami (some Iranian dude) staring Ms. Binoche (the original not the copy = Julia Ormond / if you watch this movie only then will you get this pathetic joke) and some British dude. Its an art-house film so naturally its difficult to explain and fascinating to watch people talk for 90 minutes with no apparent resolution. I'd prefer you go into it cold so it messes with your head. Of course I loved it and highly recommend it.

Another Earth - [Note to Self: Gravity does not matter] Don't let the title trick you into thinking this is a sci-fi film. Its all about loneliness, regret, and the possibility of who you could be. This won the Sundance film festival so I naturally wanted to watch it just because it won. I like winners. I also liked this movie. Maybe not the best ever, but interesting and the saw musical sequence was brilliant. You will also notice that Ethan from Lost can't seem to act without being asked to strangle someone. Typecast for life. Nine thumbs up - thank you Homer.

Warrior - So this isn't high-brow, its the antithesis... HUMAN COCK FIGHTING!!! If you liked Rocky, this MMA fest should be up your alley and make you want to work out in chains with dogs and death metal... or Bach? I actually found it to be a well made movie and could hardly breathe during the last 10 minutes. A fantastic way to waste time while watching people beat each other to a bloody pulp. SDMA Mad Dog should be ashamed if he has not seen this already. I want him to do color commentary on the sequel. Or just record himself commenting on this movie. I'll play it back while watching and pay him $5.00 for his efforts. He can then re-sell it on E-bay 10,000 times for a hefty profit, providing he doesn't get flamed out.

The Tree of Life - Many critics have this as their top movie of 2011. It is non-linear. The plot is almost non-existent. There are multiple scenes of outer-space and dinosaurs mixed in with a family in Texas from the 1950 who suffers the loss of a child. Of course I loved it!! Let me just say this film is intended to be art, not a typical narrative of a story. If you enjoyed Baraka, then this is up your alley. For the LDS crowd, this film has elements of the macro or cosmos and then breaks its meaning down to a family and how grace and nature are at odds with each other. Sound like a movie you have seen over and over again? OK - Its not really the same thing at all, I'm just trying to get you to watch this. If anything the visuals are stunning. If you can go to a museum, look at art and trying to get some meaning from it, then you can do the same thing here.

Soylent Green - I know. I know. I have no life. I watched this after discovering it starred the Great Charleston Heston. This was high-brow or activist propaganda at one time so it belongs in this post. Considering the movie is supposed to take place in 2022, the unintentional comedy was tremendous. Its actually not that bad of a movie if you can laugh with it. The suicide parlor at the end is both touching and humorous. - Yes, I am a sick individual. And of course, I raised my hand at the end and shouted with Moses: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Now go dupe someone else into watching these movies.

Miracles or Injuries?

2012-01-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

I'm elated over the Broncos win today. I'm keeping my promise to just be entertained by Tebow and ride the gravy train as long as it runs. However, it seems like all of our miracles come against teams fighting with one hand tied behind their back. Here is the breakdown on the wins with Tebow under center this year:

Week 7 - Dolphins: This was a bizarre pseudo home game for Tebow with the Gators being honored. Home team didn't get the 12th Man.

Week 9 - Raiders: Carson Palmer starts after recent trade and no McFadden who absolutely roasts our D.

Week 9 - Chiefs: Legit and absolutely hideous win with only 2 completed passes. Broncos become a joke around the NFL.

Week 11 - Jets: LT missing, Jet's rushing attack not what it normally would be.

Week 12 - Chargers: I don't recall any major injuries for the Chargers, they just choked against us multiple times. Lucky to get the win. Von Miller is officially a stud.

Week 13 - Vikings: No Adrian Peterson? That guy is a mythical beast.

Week 14 - Bears: No Cutler or Forte (top rusher). It still takes an astonishing beyond all measure sequence of events to win, earning Tebow a SNL spoof.

Week 18 - Steelers: Rothlisberger plays on one leg, top running back down, top tackler missing from defense not to mention half the starting D-line. Tebow has his best game ever. This combo allows for a history making OT win with an incredible play by Demerius Thomas (that draft pick doesn't seem like such a bust anymore...)

All but two wins came against teams with some serious problems. I'm thrilled our .500 team won a playoff game, but don't believe the hype that this team is for real. [unless Divine Will intercedes]

Prediction for next week: Our run defense will continue to get gashed and we still can't cover those TE's. It was great to have so much gravy when the boat seemed empty, but the last meager drops will not drown a hungry NE biscuit.

Top Sports Guy Cartoons

2012-01-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know Bill Simmons from ESPN. But you may not know about his quick hit cartoons from the mid 2000s. Enjoy.

I especially loved the dynamite on the leg.

Best comedy on network TV. Bar. None.

Thank goodness the Boss does not watch the Bachelor or any of its sub-incarnations.

Condor Man - Best Disney Movie Ever!!!

2011-12-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

Many of you are probably not familiar with this film. So will now fulfill my purpose to expose you to the great hidden jems of the 80s. As a boy under the age of 5 I was enthralled with this show. Does it get any better than Michael Crawford (Phantom of the Opera) trotting the globe as a CIA created super hero battling the KGB at the peak of Cold War awesomeness? The theme song makes me feel 5 all over again.

2011 BONUS - Now I can enjoy literally every second due to its unintentional comedy factor. Get set for some serious Porsche Death Squad action. Enjoy!!

Its a pure shame Walt never lived to see this film made...

Illuminati Blood Cults and Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to an idea from The Shaunz this evening I discovered that my family has been missing essential Christmas Eve protection for nearly 40 years. A common tradition for some families and communities is to display luminaries on Christmas Eve. These are paper bags filled with sand and tea candles which create a nice "illuminated" effect.

We tell our children these bags act like lights along a runway so Santa can land at our house. However such a tradition is obscenely false.

What is the real reason people set out these dangerous bags of light? People may have a host of concocted notions, but in my usual custom of giving you the Straight Dope, I will now lay some deep, secret knowledge on you.

According to Wikipedia, the modern incarnation of Santa Clause got popular around 1820. We now have a depiction of a man with supernatural powers including flight, use of subatomic space to store 50 billion presents in one bag and quasi-omniscience to know if everyone is "naughty or nice." Does this sound like a force to be reckoned with? Absolutely!

You're probably thinking "But Santa is a nice guy! He's not evil. He brings us presents and is a symbol of Christmas. HOW DARE YOU DEFAME ST. NICK!!!"

Its all a cover up for Santa's real purpose. He uses those previously mentioned powers to eliminate enemies of the Illuminati. Think of him as their personal hit man. The chief of a ruthless and efficient Blood Cult. The red and white that he wears? Symbolic of the blood he spills and the bones he crushes. The present he brings? A quick death. Why the reindeer? They eat the carcasses of the slain. Through black magic, this gives them the power of flight.

Sure Santa may distribute a few gifts here and there to keep up the facade. But don't be fooled. Since 1820 the NWO run by the Illuminati has been bumping off those that get in their way via a "present from Santa."

But to those willing to invoke symbolism of the Illuminati there is protection. As long as you geek out over Dan Brown novels and act like all their symbolic stuff is really important, you are bowing the knee and they will not view you as a threat. So for nearly 100 years people have set out flammable paper bags with candles in them as a sign for Santa to pass by their house as they pay tribute to the NWO of the Illuminati (headquartered in DIA http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2011/10/dia-will-become-world-headquarters-of.html).

As with any Blood Cult, they are doing the opposite of Biblical precedent. Moses told the children of Israel to mark their doors with the blood of an unblemished lamb so that the Destroying Angel would pass them by. The NWO is simply trying to use the same tactic to their own nefarious ends and preserve their followers.

Of course I'm not the only one who is onto this. The folks a Futurama obviously know about the North Pole Blood Cult, but are afraid to tell the whole truth like I've just done. So they act like sometime in the future a robot Santa gone rouge will terrorize the world each Xmas. Look it up if you want.

Hopefully the information in this post will save your family from impending slaughter and the hands of the Blood Cultists up north. Merry Christmas!

The Ultimate Polar Express Analysis

2011-12-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month, I attended a viewing of the Polar Express at an IMAX theater for a charity event. This is a movie that typically plays in my house every year, but due to the hustle and bustle of the season I've never really sat down and focused on it like this. As I watched, I realized this movie is loaded with symbolism and has a great message for both kids and adults without getting too preachy. Please note I'm assuming you gentle readers have seen the movie, otherwise this may be tough to follow.

The story centers around a boy who has doubts about Santa Claus. His parent's remark it is the "end of the magic" for their son. He has lost his faith, wants to believe but can't get over his doubts. Just as he is about to drift off to sleep on Christmas Eve, he is awakened by the Polar Express. The Conductor invites him onto a train which takes him on a journey to the north pole to meet Santa and rekindle his faith. During the story, the boy encounters various children on the train, as well as the Conductor, a Hobo (ghost), Engineers and later in the North Pole, the Big Man himself. Let's start with the kids and the Parable of the Sower (see Matt 13).

Boy / Know-it-all / Wayside - This kid is so proud of his intellect focused on showing others how smart he is that he can't appreciate the magic of the ride or help anyone else (2NE 9:28-29). The word just bounces off this guy. The only cure for this is to LEARN to be humble - as the Conductor rightfully put onto his ticket for the journey home.
Boy / Poor & Dejected / Stony Places - This kid has had a hard life on the wrong side of the tracks. Christmas or faith just doesn't work out for him after many disappointing experiences. He has no hope due to all of the rocks in his life and the word cannot get into his heart. In fact, he will won't even sit with the other kids once on the train and enjoy the ride because he thinks his rocks make him less important.
Boy - Protagonist / Lost his Faith / Thorns - The central character is doubting the reality of Santa. The Hobo taunts him saying you don't want to be duped, bamboozled, taken for a fool. This boy has let the cares of the world and how he looks to others take over. The Conductor invites him to simply BELIEVE and not let what other think bother him. He follows this counsel through the rest of his life.
Girl / Christmas Cheer / Good Ground - Isn't it interesting to note that it is the female gender that just naturally gets it? She cares about others: listens to them, helps them feel welcome, shares (hot chocolate), sings with the boy (fellowship) and help the Conductor with the train. Most of all, she can hear the bell even when its not in sight or seemingly far away. Everyone is better off due to the part she played in the story. The Conductor invites her to LEAD the way and let her light shine.

Onto the next set of symbolic characters: Conductor, Hobo and Santa - or the Godhead.

Hobo / Holy Ghost - This guy initially seems scary and identifies himself as a ghost. He plays on the boy's doubts, "seeing is believing" but ultimately helps him along the way and saves his life. (I admit its not a perfect allegory, but close enough).
Conductor / Jesus Christ - He brings children to Santa's presence and acts as the Mediator. He is helped by the Ghost and teaches important lessons to the children and offers the only passageway into the kingdom.
Santa / God the Father - Represents the source of all good gifts and the spirit of Christmas. Other than the gifts he brings to us (unseen), the only way we can enjoy his presence is through the Conductor.

Interesting that all three of these characters are played by the same actor, by design and not to be cheap or to aggrandize Tom Hanks (well, maybe just a little bit).

Finally, the key symbol in this film is the Bell. Throughout the movie, the boy cannot hear the bell because he has no faith. Despite everything the Ghost and the Conductor did for him in getting him to the heart of the North Pole, he still had trouble believing. I think we are often the same way with all of the gifts and blessings we have in our lives and yet because of the rocks in our garden or the cares and thorns of the world, we cannot hear or feel the music of the soul. After realizing he may not be able to see Santa due to the crowds, the boy picks up the bell (his faith) and musters his desire to believe, letting go of confirmation by sight. That act of faith invites the music into his life and Santa suddenly appears visible in the reflection of the bell. By exercising our faith, we can have God's presence not only near us, but within us, which is what makes great music so wonderful.

Many of us have had a great spiritual experience where our faith was rewarded. But once again as the cares of the world set in, we forget to hold on tight to our bell and hear the music. When it is gone, we are sad and may even despair that we can't get it back. But just when all hope seems lost, the gift returns to us by God's grace or a Divine Gift. Santa returning the bell shows how mindful God is of each of us individually.

The boy learned his lesson well and retained the music in his heart for the rest of his life, even when others lost faith (Alma 5:26).

That may be the best message of all in this story. Being able to increase our childlike faith through the years. Taking the spirit and music of Christmas beyond the season and sharing it with others.

Christmas Can-Can

2011-12-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays:

Mile High Magic

2011-12-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Once again the Denver Broncos football TEAM wins after an inexplicable comeback. Hats off to Matt Prater, who was the MVP in my mind. Was Tebow great in the 4th quarter and OT? Absolutely. Did the Broncos get lucky? Of course.

Tebow should put Marion Barber on his Christmas Card list and thank Cutler and Forte for getting hurt. Let's not forget Charles Barkley for invoking more underdog karma on Tebow as well:

“I want to make a personal plea to Lance Briggs, Brian Urlacher, Mr. [Julius] Peppers, please stop the madness,” Barkley said Friday on ”The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000. “I’m just so tired … I like Tim Tebow. He seems like a good kid, and I wish him success, but I am Tebowed out. So this is my personal plea for you three guys, please stop this madness.”

[Tuhrrible, just tuhrrible]

Anyone who thinks God really cares about this team winning is nuts. Our players are starting to talk like its divine intervention. I'm sure some of the Bear's players said their prayers too. I get frustrated when players act like God is favoring them and find it bordering on sacrilege. I appreciate their desire to give God the glory and honor him, but when you start saying he likes you better than the next guy, I draw the line. Acts 10:34 - God is no respecter of persons.

I will concede that divine intervention may occur if it serves a higher purpose. At the least, it is a huge media story that focuses on a young man who is unafraid to talk about Jesus Christ, his faith and how it impacts his life. Perhaps God is letting all of us see the formula at work: Faith + Intense Effort = Miracles. Its a great message to have around during the Christmas season and in a world with plenty of economic and social unrest.

I will say it here and now: if Denver wins the Super Bowl, it will be the biggest sports story of all time. I still feel like I'm watching a movie every week. Heck, I could see a Moneyball type of film being made out of this season alone. The lock-out, Elway and Fox taking over, disastrous training camp, Orton getting benched, the billboards around town, the Miami comeback which was effectively a homecoming for Tebow, the list goes on... At least make this movie as an addendum to the 30 for 30 series.

Now for my Nostra-fletch-a-damus predictions.

The Broncos loose to the Patriots next week. Why? See my prior post about Tom Brady's hair. Tebow still can't touch that. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2011/10/hair-power-responsibility.html
Broncos win the division (not a big surprise)
Broncos loose in the first round of the playoffs - the intensity of those games requires four quarters of your best effort. We clearly can't do that yet.

Until next week with 2 minutes to go...

Steak n Shake - Worth the Wait?

2011-11-26T14:41:00.000-08:00

The great burger chain Steak n Shake has made its way to Denver. Some folks call it the In-n-Out of the east coast. I call it a very..................................................long wait in line. I pulled into line at 1:16 PM. I pulled out a 2:32 PM. The final insult is pulling up to the second window and watching the clock inside tick away showing how long you have been there. My time at the final window? 7:48.

Was the food worth the wait? Ultimately, I'd say no. Great by fast food standards but unfortunately, I didn't have nostalgia on my side to ease the pain as I reminisced in line. Good as In-n-Out? No. Especially since these guys are missing all of the fun animal style stuff. Plus IIO knows how to make a line move fast.

I must acknowledge this is within the first month of opening and the line was bound to be long. I think the wait says more about me than it does the joint.

I am willing to spend a tremendous amount of time to eat something that will kill me.
After figuring for opportunity cost, I just blew hundreds of dollars to eat something that will kill me.
I spent enough time in line today to have my wife kill me.

Death surrounds this place. "YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS WHEN YOU PICKED ME UP." And now for a classic video.

They did apologize to me for the wait as I left. I think they should have said, "Thanks for waiting and being a moron." At least when I waited this long at Krispy Kreme I got a free doughnut while waiting in line. And what's with these places serving greasy food handing out paper hats? Its like wearing a dunce hat. Look at how long I waited in line to eat grease!

Once again, very tasty, but wait another year and enjoy your food without the time value of money guilt added onto the typical fast food guilt.

Starbucks Malice

2011-11-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

Remember the lady who sued McDonald's for spilling some hot coffee in her lap? I think I'm going to file the same claim against our extra foamy frappuccino friends. I'm on the road today and had to get some wifi access so I came into Starbucks and felt it would only be decent to order something if I'm going to use their internet access.

I don't drink coffee, and I suppose getting an herbal tea from this place is like going into a bar and purchasing a soda. Come visit me in the Telestial Kingdom if you can spare the time. But back to the story.

I order this tea, fire up my lap top and take a sip. YEAHHHHHHRRRHHHGHAAAAHH!!!!! (Dean Scream) Are they trying to cover poor quality or the fact they spit in my drink by destroying my taste buds? Its not like I'm in dire pain, but I doubt I'll be able to taste anything for a few days or get that "normal" feeling in my tongue back. Perhaps I am being punished for supporting a coffee establishement when it generally goes against my personal beliefs.

President McKay gave one of my all-time favorite quotes on "hot drinks" and why we avoid them.

"There is a substance in tea and coffee which when taken into the human system, tends to increase the beating of the heart; which in turn increases the rapidity of the circulation of the blood and of breathing. This causes the body to become warmer and more exhilarated. After a time, however, this temporary enlivenment passes off, and the body is really in a greater need of rest and recuperation than it was before the beverage was taken. Stimulants are to the body what the lash is to the lagging horse—it causes a spurt forward but gives no permanent strength or natural nourishment. Frequently repetitions of the lash only make the horse more lazy; and the habitual use of strong drink, tobacco, tea, and coffee, only tends to make the body weaker and more dependent upon the stimulants to which it is addicted." Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, (2003), 102–11.

Not only are hot drinks a lash to the soul, they are a lash to the tongue.

Modmarket

2011-11-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report I've found a restaurant that serves a salad my mother would be proud of. Appropriately named - SUPERFOOD. It included Spinach, KALE, Beet slices, Carrot slices, Almonds, Grapes, Feta and Quinoa (Keen-wa). Delicious? Absolutely. Affordable? $5.50 for more than I could eat. Will I be going back? Of course.

I must confess I also tried the Arugula Pizza which included Prosciutto, Pear Gorgonzola and Olive Oil and was quite pleased. Good quality food and the atmosphere was contemporary with the warmth of the fire from the pizza oven glowing in the background. This place is a Panera Bread style establishment where you order, get your own drink, sit down and wait for them to call your order - Good meal without the cost of a tip. Instead of featuring a bakery, they offer wood cooked pizzas and specialize in salads. If anything, I'd describe it as California Cafe Express. I don't know that I've tried enough of the menu to give it a rave review, but I will definitely be going back. I've heard the natural sodas are fabulous as well. This place is located where Blockbuster used to be at Arapahoe and Yosemite. Here are the photos.

Are You Not Entertained?

2011-11-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

Once again the Broncos have inexplicably won a game with a mere 229 yards of total offense. Tebow plays like garbage for 3.5 quarters and then goes into Tebow-time mode. And I'm sitting in front of my TV upset, worrying about the future of the franchise. What the heck is wrong with me? This is classic sports entertainment! I'm worried about a sports team's future at the expense of the moment? If Tebow can win like this on the road next week, this is what it will look like at the end of the game.

Yes, who cares if its ugly and brutal... its COMPELLING. The only thing I can't stand about this is the way Tebow ruins sports talk radio and makes it so one dimensional. The real reason the Broncos have been winning games is due to our defense actually figuring out how to hold another team under 17 points. Football experts despise this guy. Why not just enjoy the ride?

The Most Magical Place on Earth

2011-11-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

"You Don't Build it for yourself. You know what people want and build it for them." - Walt Disney

Trivia Question: What is the secret to surviving a seven-day trip to Disney World, Universal Studios and LEGOLAND in the Florida humidity?

Vaseline and Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

OK. Now I’ll talk about things you might actually want to know regarding our holiday. Let’s review the events as they unfolded. I'll say up front that if you want my actual photos and videos, find me on the next great social network and see if you can get into one of my five upper-level circles of privilege.

Pre-vacation: The week leading up to vacation is always stressful. In our case, we have a 3 month old Monkey, 2.5 year old Gator, a 10 year old Lizard and a Princess Polar Bear (Burr) who just turned eight. Due to the age of these kids, we packed nearly 300lbs of gear in eight bags. Throw in Halloween on Monday, Birthday festivities on Wednesday and a lay-Baptismal service on Friday night and you have a full-fledged circus. Thanks to the stunning intestinal fortitude of the Boss, each of these events went perfectly. The drama was intense and needless to say I got wide-eyed “I will kill you” glare a few times during the week. I worked at a frantic pace to get my plate cleared so I would not have to work. All of this stress finally manifested just above my face… on Saturday morning I noticed of my receding hairs above forehead had died and turned grey. The stress of preparation for this trip was killer. But it would all be worth it.

Weekend/Travel: Ever heard the expression, “Getting there is half the fun”? In this case it was. We took the bus to the airport so we could reduce our carbon foot print and set an example for the rest of our pagan neighbors that still drive themselves to the airport. Riding the bus with all of the people at the airport is a hoot. I even helped a Chinese lady make change for a $5. When the Boss exclaimed that she forgot the Soy Formula for the baby, a lady who worked at the USO told her to drop by their club on Concourse B and she would hook her up (and who says the dregs of society ride the bus!?). Skycap worked like a charm and we were on our way into the NWO airport. Everyone helping us in security was delightful. The children were marvelous. I was not strip and cavity searched for once. The train ride out to Concourse C was a treat for the kids who screamed with joy as the train sped through the tunnels next to the headquarters for the next world government. I found a perfect waiting spot next to the gate with two escalators that allowed the Gator and Lizard to make continual circles in my presence and avoid boredom. The Boss then appeared glowing with enthusiasm. Her trip to the USO had been an unexpected treat. Not only did they provide our precious CoCo Monkey with much needed formula, but they generously donated several delectable submarine sandwiches, Cool Ranch Doritos™ and cookies. Who says there is no such thing as a free lunch? We were overjoyed and grateful for this bounty. The flight out had some expected fussiness, but no major scandals. We arrived in Orlando and found that our rental van was almost exactly like our Sienna at home and knew it was a good omen for the week. To increase our IQ and good fortune, we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and savored the hot breakfast and signature warm cinnamon rolls. Later that night the SDMAmadDog Clan arrived with Grammie and we settled into a luxurious 6BR/4BA rental home complete with pool and spa. A relaxing soak in the pool was the perfect way to end the beginning.

Monday – LEGOLAND/Bonus Round at Magic Kingdom: We started Monday with a 45 minute scenic drive over the central Floridian landscape to LEGOLAND. Many of you know this place is for kids 12 and under. Better make that 8 and under. The miniature cities were interesting, rides were great for smaller tikes and the faint of heart. I can’t say I recommend this place unless you have a child that is utterly begging to go. Otherwise, save your time and money for the good stuff. This video sums it up perfectly. http://www.bebo.com/FlashBox.jsp?FlashBoxId=4427978066&

We finished at 5 and still had the shank of the evening, so an older crew of Scrappy, A, The F-word, Ito, Lizard and Condor-man proceeded to the Magic Kingdom. Apparently Monday nights in November are slow. We rolled in an nearly everyone in the park was at the zealously joyous Main Street parade. We seized the opportunity left in the wake of their idleness and did the Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain, Aladdin, Peter Pan, Space Mountain (2x) and the Motor Raceway all in about 2.5 hours. Heck, during the busy season you might only get one or two rides in. We went home exhausted and content.

Tuesday – Hollywood Studios: We hit all of the usual rides with the kids and had a great time. I’d rank this #2 out of the four Disney Parks with Magic Kingdom at #1 (of course) and Epcot at #3. I didn’t go to Animal Kingdom so out of contempt, I rank it #4. The two best rides in this park are the Tower of Terror and the Aerosmith rollercoaster ride. The Aerosmith ride was a welcome surprise. Think Space Mountain, but 2x faster with loops and corkscrews. Lizard refused to ride at the last second I was forced to enjoy it in solitude. But the Boss and I did make a second run moments later.

Wednesday – Islands of Adventure / Universal Studios: I must now confess my personal reason for making the trip (family considerations aside) was to visit the Harry Potter’s Wizarding World within the Islands of Adventure Park at Universal Studios. Since so much is in Islands of Adventure, we did not hop over to the older original US theme park. So how did the secret magical world come off? As Ron would say: “BRILLIANT!”

I hate over-hyping things, but this place was SICK. It really felt like I’d stepped into Hogsmeade. This “Island” Has four major attractions. The Castle (Harry Potter’s Forbidden Journey), Buckbeak’s Flight (Fer the yougins) The Tri-Wizard Challenge (two roller coasters named for the Hungarian Horntail and the Chinese Fireball dragons) and simply the scenery of EVERYTHING. I’ve heard other say there is not enough and I must agree. They could do an entire theme park based on Harry Potter and if its anything like this small sampling, it would be stellar. Nothing disappointed me. The line for a Butterbeer was long, but worth it. Its like a mix of a Cream Soda and Root Beer with a creamy sugary foam of goodness on the top that blesses each sip you take. Needless to say I picked up the souvenir mug so I can pound one at home with nostalgia. FYI – I prefer the cold Butterbeer over the frozen one, but both are tasty. The main ride (Forbidden Journey) was bar-none the best ride I’ve ever done outside of the Roller Coaster category (that’s a different animal). Its like the Indiana Jones ride at Disney Land on steroids with several IMAX sequences that will blow you away. Its so intense I thought I was going to puke each time I did the ride. That’s saying something for an adrenaline junkie like me. But all of our group (including the kids) survived, so have no fear. Later that night we dined on the feast for four, with ribs, roast chicken and potatoes, steamed veggies and festive corn on the cob within the Three Broomsticks. It was nearly like eating inside the movie. At this meal, I tried the pumpkin juice. I’ve always thought such a beverage would be hideous, but it was actually quite tasty. Like drinking a pumpkin pie with the tang of apple cider. All of the shops are very well done with tons of lore and items from the books. They are as much fun to explore as the rides. Just waiting in line within the castle was fun. Can you tell my inner child was fulfilled? Without carrying on too much, this is an absolute must see for any Harry Potter fan. I can only hope they tear down the race track behind this attraction and add as much as possible or just open a fully-dedicated park elsewhere. This will still be cool 50 years from now, the same way we still dig all the classic Disney stuff.

The rest of the park was like Disney. 75% shops and restaurants and a few rides. The Spiderman 3-D ride was a lot like the Harry Potter Forbidden Journey and was fantastic. The Hulk roller coaster may be one of the best I’ve ever done. We also got completely soaked on the Jurassic Park river ride. Overall, this was my personal favorite day.

Thursday – Epcot: How do I say this? I just don’t get it. What is the big deal with this place? It comes off as the most expensive, overblown interactive museum on the planet. You are much better off hitting the local museum and watching Bill Nye the Science guy at home. They had the world cuisine taste fare happening during our visit. For $3-5 a pop, you could get two bites of some Americanized foreign cuisine. (woooo). We spent nearly all day walking around this enormous lake with villages for various countries. I learned about Norway and our future Chinese rulers. Most countries didn’t even have an attraction or show. Just shops and restaurants. (boooo). Captain EO with Michael Jackson was so amazingly bad, I knew George Lucas had to be involved. Soarin over California is about the only thing in the place worth visiting and it would not justify the visit. The iconic Epcot Globe or Spaceship Earth was outdated and not terribly impressive. But we had good family fun so I can’t complain too much.

Friday – Magic Kingdom Part Duex: Now we assaulted the heart of Disney World with full child entourage. We did the obligatory Small World ride which seems to have uncanny appeal to small children. Go figure. The ride stopped in the last room with the music blaring. I realized the music and noise of that room could be used to break me under interrogation. We all had tremendous fun at the various rides and laughed at all of the corny jokes on the Jungle river ride. Unexpected surprise of the day was the Monsters Inc. Laugh show. This is done with a screen and the CGI monsters voiced by live comedians (unseen). They pick on people in the audience and tell jokes submitted by text from people in line. The kids absolutely loved it and we truly LOL’d. FYI – avoid Stich’s Escape and the Carousel of Progress. Lame and more lame. At last it was time to leave and I may never visit a theme park for several years to come.

Gripes/Complaints: We skipped many or most of the lines during the whole trip due to a special pass for the Burr and Condorman due to some special needs and problems waiting in line. Even with this bonus, I was completely sick of standing in lines by the end of the week. I don’t know how people can stand to visit these places during peak seasons, especially in the Florida heat and humidity. The number of toll roads to get to the park is incredibly annoying and the signs guiding unfamiliar visitors through the Disney Mega-complex are weak. Get some solid maps or GPS if you go. I’m looking forward to not being in a cattle herd of human flesh on a daily basis and flying Southwest didn’t help shake that feeling on the way home.

The only way Muggles can experience magic is to be herded like sheep and stand in long lines.

Overall this was a fantastic holiday. Go see Mickey and his minions, but be sure to spare some time for “the boy who lives on” in the great American landscape of theme parks. If you read all of this you now have that sore, tired feeling I had each night before crawling into bed. May your next vacation be as magical, nay more magical that this one.

Rock Bottom - The Broncos & The Road

2011-10-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I can waste much more time blogging about the Broncos this season. I watched the Lions game today and while Tebow was bad, the team was terrible. The O-line just got raped. The defensive secondary is pitiful, Champ can't do everything. Its just bad right now. I'm not sure I can articulate how awesomely bad the situation is. But let's try this:

I got a text message from my mother-in-law today after the game: "Sorry for ur loss."

Wow.

This is a woman whom I've know for 12 years. I don't think we've discussed football more than once for more than five minutes. And yet, here she is offering her condolences for the death of my franchise or perhaps my inner-child (she is a shrink).

I've just created a new test for the badness of your team: When the mother-in-law bothers to offer condolences.

I recently listened to The Road, by Cormac McCarthy in the car. This is an incredibly well-written, but terribly depressing tale of a father and small son trying to survive without hope through a post apocalyptic nightmare. Sounds just like me trying to guide my inner Broncos-child through the wasteland that Josh McDaniels left behind. Here are some chilling quotes from the book that fit my situation well.

"He pulled the boy closer. Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that.You forget some things, don't you? Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

He walked out into the gray light and stood and he saw for a brief moment the absolute truth of the world. The cold relentless circling of an intestate earth. Darkness implacable. The blind dogs of the sun in their running. The crushing black vacuum of the universe. And somewhere two hunted animals trembling like ground-foxes in their cover. Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it.

He walked out into the road and stood. The silence. The salitter drying from the earth. The mudstained shapes of floating cities burned to the waterline. At a crossroads a ground set with dolmen stones where the spoken bones of oracles lay moldering. No sound but the wind. What will you say? A living man spoke these lines? He sharpened a quill with his small penknife to scribe these things in sloe or lampblack? At some reckonable and entabled moment? He is coming to steal my eyes. To seal my mouth with dirt."

Once again, I give the Broncos Tombstone. I originally had in a prior post from 8/14/2009. http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2009/08/impending-doom-with-quotes.html. Yes, my predictions have come to pass and I cannot bear the truth of it.

Podcasts I Enjoy

2011-10-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

This marks my 250th post. Amazing to think I've kept this up for nearly 5 years. I'm hoping I can continue to blog once its become totally irrelevant just to show how old I am.

Over the last month, I've done a tremendous amount of car travel for work. Thankfully there are free books on CD from the library, but I've also become a fan of podcasts as a free way to get hours of audio content. Here are some of my favorite shows. Most can be downloaded in mp3 format from their various websites if you don't belong to Steve Job's cult to the portable audio player of your choice.

HARDCORE HISTORY - Dan Carlin does an amazing job covering tough topics from the past. His storytelling style is great. I'm no expert so I can't comment on how high he rates on an academic scale (he is a lay-historian), but it is wonderfully entertaining. I recommend the Ghosts of the Osfront series.
The BS Report - I've been a fan of Bill Simmons for years and this podacast can be amazing when he has the right guest. The Michael Eisner and Al Michaels interviews were particularly awesome. His movie reviews with Adam Carolla (especially fast 5) are downright hilarious. Sometimes his shows with cousin Sal about the gambling lines are lame, but overall this podcast hits the spot for sports fans who also enjoy the history of the game and some other non-sports topics.
Grantland - This is a Bill Simmons spin off website that has a bunch of staff writers. They also do podcasts. My favorite from this group is Chuck Kolsterman. He loves sports but often discusses pop culture topics as well. His latest show on the rise and fall of MTV was very interesting.
PTI - You know the show. Its typically on during the day. Its a nice overview of the current stories in sports.
Slacker & Steve - These guys are an afternoon show here in Denver that also plays some music. They tend to cover a bunch of social etiquette topics and let people air out the problems for public debate. Shows about embarrassing moments are also popular. Can't miss.
Judge John Hodgman - Most comedy podcast have explicit content so I was thrilled to find this clean comedy act. Mr. Hodgman hears disputes over trivial things from people over skype and then passes judgement on them. Its Nerdist humour so of course I love it. Check it out below.

This whole show is great, but I particularly love the snap judgement that occurs at 28 minutes in the podcast. Which do you think is better?

Movie Musings

2011-10-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to go see In Time with a few friends and here are some thoughts from the experience.

Once again after the previews were done, I had forgotten which movie I was there to see.
NO MORE MOVIES ABOUT ALIENS WHO ENGAGE IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT WITH THE INHABITANTS OF EARTH. I CALL DOWN BLOOD, THUNDER AND VENGEANCE ON ALL THOSE WHO TRESPASS THIS LAW!!!!
In Time is essentially a producer thinking... "Gattaca was a great movie. If we could only do a sequel we'd make a ton of money. Nah... how about if we get Andrew Niccol to recreate that story with a different plot? - BINGO." Now you have In Time, another tale of haves and have-nots only this one is poorly conceptualized, executed and is ultimately a terribly flawed movie.
If you've read my post on Avatar, you know I despise blatantly political movies... with a left leaning agenda. This one isn't quite on the same level as Avatar, but on a scale of 1-10 for commercial movies (Documentaries are almost entirely a propaganda machine of the left so they don't count) this one is an eight.
From within the first five minutes it was clear this movie was planned in conjunction with Occupy Wall Street.
Rich people are evil
Poor people are good and victims of evil
Capitalism is the meat grinder of Satan and we are just chunks of flesh in the cold, cruel gears of a system designed to give a few people really tasty burgers of oppression.
Everyone can be equally wealthy. (I actually don't disagree with this ideal, just differ on methods to get there.)
Are you sick of bullet points yet?
I did like the equation of time and money. I often think of purchases in terms of how many hours I had to work for them. If only the movie could have honored the gods of economics (who they basically shunned) and mention "opportunity cost."
Capitalist pigs would make you want to hit on someone's grandmother
Capitalist pigs wish they could walk up to you, size you by the wrist and suck away all of your money and kill you so they can be incrementally happier. - Wait, that does sound just about right.
Bad haircuts make a bad movie even worse.
I'd go on, but I have to go make money for the corporations sucking me dry. I don't have all day to write this. Time is money and I'm making Warren Buffet IMMORTAL.

Does God Want Tebow to Win?

2011-10-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday featured one of the most inexplicable comebacks in Broncos history. Down 15-0 with less than 5 minutes to go and somehow we win the game. And let's face it. This was a game we should not have won. When you have like 2 passing yards entering the fourth quarter and a QB rating of -74.3, how on earth can you rally to win? To take a phrase from the Book of Mormon, I am "astonished beyond all measure."

This win is more bitter than sweet for me. Is this guy really the future? Every win like this puts a team like Miami one step closer to "sucking for Luck" than we are. I feel like each win is actually another nail in the coffin for my franchise. It's never been bleaker for a Broncos fan. At this point I can only surmise that yesterday's win was an act of divine providence for the world's greatest human being.

Tebow is getting into Luke Skywalker territory. He is clearly a guy with less talent but seems to overcome the odds. Luke was a whiny, punk kid that had no business walking into the Throne Room and taking down Vader and the Emperor. But thanks to the will of the Force and George Lucas, he won. Tebow had no business going into Miami and winning, but thanks to divine will and the Florida faithful, he was the victor.

If Tebow keeps winning in this fashion, I'll have to say the prayer and hedge my bets with the afterlife (actually, I already did this on my mission). Maybe Agnostic and Atheist sports fans will start to line up to get saved? Perhaps that's the only explanation for what happened yesterday. Or the owner of the Dolphins really is plotting big time to suck for Luck. Or the Dolphins just suck. Take your pick and enjoy the drama.

It Sucks to Suck

2011-10-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Before you assume I'm writing about "Suck for Luck" let me assure you I am not. A few hours ago I realized I had overwritten some work and the real file I wanted had been wiped out of existence. 15 years ago this would have led to a string of profanity bad enough to peel the paint off the walls. This clip sums it up well:

I'm happy to say I did not offend the entire office. However, I did multiple fist and elbow smashes (seriously) while calling myself a frigging idiot (repeatedly) and then slumped back into my chair and lamented, "it sucks to suck."

So I've been sitting here stewing in my juices and realize I only have two options. Either lie here in my ditch of self-imposed misery or fix the problem and live to fight another day. I will choose to fix and fight. Or better said, "I'm fixin to fight."

Now that I've calmed down a bit, I realize the world isn't coming to an end. I'm married to a beautiful and captivating woman that I simply don't deserve. I have four wonderful children who challenge me and bring a fullness to life I couldn't do without. God has not yet smitten me to the grave. Many, many blessings to count.

I just realized that sucking is generally a voluntary action. You have to choose to suck. You may shoot yourself in the foot or punch yourself in the mouth, but you don't have to get down on the floor and suck up the blood and cry over it. Its better to clean the wound, bind it up, and punch your problems back in the mouth.

No one ever has to suck.

Carpet Fiasco

2011-10-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I had a gauntlet thrown in my face. I helped a friend with some minor moving items at his new house. He was getting rid of some old carpet and I offered to take it off his hands so I could use it in the basement or garage. After packing the carpet in the car, I called the Boss to ask where she'd prefer we use it. She verbally slapped me through the phone and chastised me for taking the carpet. Specifically, she described taking the carpet as:

EMBARRASSING

Really? Is taking carpet a red neck, white trash activity? Once again, I don't get the 1,000,000 rules women live by. but I do understand this one. LISTEN TO THE WOMAN. So, I admitted my shame to my friend and returned the carpet. You tell me, was this embarrassing?

Fletcherize

2011-10-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

According to some blog, my last name can be turned into a verb to describe a specific ritual of mastication.

fletch·er·ize

[flech-uh-rahyz]

-verb
to chew (food) slowly and thoroughly; prolonged chewing

"This word is an eponym derived from Horace Fletcher, an American food faddist and dietician who lived from 1849 to 1919. From 1895 until his death in 1919, Fletcher campaigned vigorously and passionately about what he believed were the keys to good health. This included:

Eating only when hungry—never out of boredom, from anxiety or unhappiness
Thoroughly and deliberately chewing each mouthful until the food turned into liquid (i.e. chewing approximately 32 times per bite)
Excessive chewing also allowed the food to mix with saliva, which was an important part of the digestive process. Because of this, Fletcher maintained that even liquids needed to be “chewed” properly.

He must have been a pretty good salesman; known as The Great Masticator, Fletcher convinced millions of Americans to abide by his chewing regimen, including Henry James, Mark Twain, Upton Sinclair and John D. Rockerfeller. When Horace Fletcher died in 1919, he died a millionaire, much of that monetary success due to popularity of fletcherism."

DUDE. Apparently this health-crazed thing runs in the family. Stone - you would be proud.

Now go "Fletcherize" your next meal. 32 bites at a time. Enjoy!

DIA WILL BECOME THE WORLD HEADQUARTERS OF THE ILLUMINATI

2011-10-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've often related to people that our infamous blue mustang outside DIA actually killed its creator. Usually this comment is met with incredulity. Here are two legit articles discussing the matter.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/9373803/detail.html

http://www.denverpost.com/ci_8234829

Matthew 8:16: "But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established."

If there is one thing people love its a vascular horse

Was this a freak accident or the work of a ruthless, organization bent on world domination to hide their tracks? Here is a link to a an article by The Vigilant Citizen calling DIA a "Sinister Site." This article could very well be one of the most AWESOME things I've ever read on DIA, because I used to think it was a bit boring compared to other airports. Nostra-fletch-a-damus predicts, the next Dan Brown novel will involve DIA. No doubt about it after reading this article. Seriously. Take the time to peruse it:

http://vigilantcitizen.com/sinistersites/sinister-sites-the-denver-international-airport/

But I know the modern Sesame Street attention span, so here are some highlights:

An apocalyptic horse with glowing red eyes welcoming visitors? Check.

Nightmarish murals? Check.

Strange words and symbols embedded in the floor? Check.

Gargoyles sitting in suitcases? Check.

Runways shaped like a Nazi swastika? Check.

The following videos may surprise you, may even shock you. But they must be seen.

As a personal note, I know someone with the FBI who investigated the corruption at DIA back in the early 90s who lost his job (no joke). I can't help but wonder what happened?

I'll admit, I'm a bit freaked out. But at least DIA is still better than McCarran in Las Vegas! Safe travels to all who visit our fair city. Just know you are a pawn of the elite ruling class of the human race. Once they unleash their genocidal cleansing of the earth all their leaders will congregate here to rebuild their master race. Consider the following from 12 places to go if the world goes to Hell!

"Denver has a few things going for it. In the event of an oil spike, it's got proximity to amazing shale reserves. Even though shale has yet to take really off, a spike will make it an economic necessity. And in the event of a war, it's the most defensible city in the US, due to its geography and mountains.

It's mile-high sea level also makes it an excellent place to go in the event of global warming and rising sea levels. In fact, global warming should help turn surrounding areas into an agricultural breadbasket." (Not to mention our proximity to the mountains and massive amounts of fresh water).

Ah, Denver. Soon you will be the center of the New World Order

Seriously - The Boss just forbade me from writing any further for fear of reprisals from the Illuminati for giving "publicity" to these facts. Just look at what they did to Stanley Kubrick. I'll probably get this branded on my chest when they kill me:

Hair, Power & Responsibility

2011-10-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Last night the Cougs offense was in trouble. Heaps continued to suck and Bronco looked around in desperation for an answer. Another loss at home to an in-state team would spell disaster. And then he saw it... A full head of hair flowing in the Wasatch Wind. Bronco knew it was time for Reilly Nelson to take the field with the strength of his hair, and the results were magnificent. But what does this have to do with hair?

Remember Samson and his hair? Because of his faith in growing his hair, he could do amazing things for his people like rip lions to shreds, smite thousands with the jawbone of an ass, carry city gates 37.2 miles, snap fresh bowstrings, break ropes, remove looms and finally die after pushing the temple of the pagan god Dagon to the earth killing himself and his enemies.

Such feats of strength and manliness continue today, but they have shifted from whore-obsessed warriors to our most famous field generals: Quarterbacks. When the right hair comes along, unexpected greatness follows. Think of Namath and the Jets, Montana's ideal 80s feathered look, Young's curls of victory and Manning's perfect part. This isn't about the length of hair, but the style and swagger resulting from it. Perhaps the best example in modern times of the power of QB hair is Tom Brady:

3 SB titles, a perfect regular season, all as a 6th round pick. His secret? He truly understands that each time he changes his do, the power of the hair enhances his game. This has nothing to do with actresses, Brazilian supermodels or just being the Golden Boy. This man understand that with great hair comes great power and with great power comes great responsibility.

Reilly, clearly you have been give the power of the hair from the football gods. Use it wisely and lead us to victory.

Moneyball

2011-09-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

I saw this movie last weekend and thought I'd pitch my statistically irrelevant 2 cents on it.

After walking out of the theater I had one word stuck in my head: Quiet.

Yes, this movie has a subdued, quiet feel to it. Very introspective and digestible, but not in some arrogant fancy-pants art-house way. Just as it hypes up the romance of baseball, it smacks those notions to the ground with immediate brute force. But that's the point of Moneyball, stats triumph over mystique, guts and intuition. Its like counting cards, but with baseball players and the stats they can deliver... and the Yankees represent beating the house.

If you don't know diddly about baseball, I'd recommend reading http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2002_Oakland_Athletics_season to get a sense of the historical context of the season and what was happening. One thing the movie is strangely silent on, is the pitching staff that was lights out that year with Zito and Tejada. I'm guessing the pitching story-line was ignored to save time to focus on Billy Bean, David Justice and Scott Hatteberg.

The acting was well done and Brad Pitt was great in this role. As usual, what pushed this film from good to great (for me) is the score by Mychael Danna. It truly captured the emotion of the protagonist and the pensive nature of baseball. Danna also scored 500 Days of Summer and I'm becoming a fan of his work.

Of course, being someone who works with data to find answers (how vague is that!?), I loved the stats and analytic approach to baseball. But the heart and soul of this movie was its story about a man facing his demons and never giving up. And like most of us, he still hasn't won everything and has plenty of critics. There is no perfect happy ending, but the satisfaction of the journey and personal growth. So now that I've made it sound like going to see this film is a religious experience, get your knees and pray for forgiveness that you haven't seen it yet. Perhaps the cruel gods of baseball who favor the Yankees so much will not smite you.

THAT'S CRAP!

2011-09-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

Chief Karlin: Why are you watching the Broncos Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled... I like you.

Yep. That about sums it up. We got manhandled last night. The bullies came to town last night and we played their game. I'm going to up and die if I see another penalty for a week. Outside of 10 happy seconds with a punt return from the second coming of Ed McCaffrey, this game was total CRAP.

Years ago after my senior season as an offensive lineman, I considered checking into a Battered Lineman shelter. Why? I had a wonderful but painful coach who would consistently scream: THAT'S CRAP!! (among other things). If he was watching the game last night, I bet he fainted from screaming.

What was most disturbing about our beat down? The linemen. They got MANHANDLED and I could hardly bear to watch by the end. Can't run, can't stop the run = CRAP. Perhaps my old coach needs to get in the locker room, question the manhood of those guys, tell them they are disgracing the family names on their jerseys and see if they respond.

Orton is still the guy, but: COME-ON MAN! HANG ONTO THE DANG BALL!

I don't even want to go into work today. Just disgusting. And now I give you Moon River in honor of last night's game:

Brother Duncan

2011-09-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Great news for Donuts lovers in Denver! Brother Duncan is planning to bring his donuts to the Mile High market.

http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/news/2011/09/08/dunkin-donuts-eyes-return-to-denver.html

But isn't Denver a healthy city? Would we really embrace a mass proliferation of fried pastries upsetting our healthy Rocky Mountain high? Here is a list raking the top 10 best and worst cities in American in terms of health. http://www.bestplaces.net/docs/studies/healthy.aspx

Top 10 Cities with Highest Healthiest Cities Scores		Top 10 Cities with Lowest Healthiest Cities Scores
1)	San Jose, CA	1)	New Orleans, LA
2)	Washington, DC	2)	San Antonio, TX
3)	San Francisco, CA	3)	Cincinnati, OH-KY-IN
4)	Seattle-Bellevue-Everett, WA	4)	Cleveland-Lorain-Elyria, OH
5)	Salt Lake City-Ogden, UT	5)	Orlando, FL
6)	Oakland, CA	6)	Columbus, OH
7)	Sacramento, CA	7)	Detroit, MI
8)	Orange County, CA	8)	New York, NY
9)	Denver, CO	9)	Las Vegas, NV-AZ
10)	Austin-San Marcos, TX	10)	Indianapolis, IN

I'm predicting a drop out of the top 10 if we embrace this pastry invasion. However I will be more than happy to pick up an occasional Boston Creme. Heck, during my mission in Boston, it was a sin not to have a dozen on the table during district meeting.

Of course, anyone who really knows Dunkin realizes this is about coffee not donuts. But I don't have a horse in that game. Perhaps if they start offering medical marijuana doughnuts they can dominate the market and put Starbucks out of business. After all, weed is #1 in Denver with more dispensaries than Starbucks. I guess Mile High no longer refers to just altitude. http://www.portfolio.com/views/blogs/heavy-doses/2010/01/05/medical-marijuana-stores-outnumber-starbucks-in-denver/

Catching Fire

2011-09-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

This evening El Burr was getting ready for bed and came down to the kitchen to inform the Boss that she could not wear her new PJs.

WHAT?

She then produced a yellow tag that was on the clothes with this warning:

Naturally, she interpreted this to mean if she wears these PJs she is going to catch on fire. Fortunately, we didn't laugh too much, calmed her down and she is now sleeping in her high-risk PJs. A special thanks to lawyers everywhere who help us sleep better at night.

DEFIANCE

2011-08-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Gator is reaching what I like to call the Houdini stage of childhood. The little mechanical engineer in their brain starts to wake up and realize they can open doors, get out of car seats, bake cookies, light the cat on fire and refuse to take naps or go to bed.

So the Boss and I have begun the Battle of the Blanket with Gator. After several victories, I decided to put one of those "Childproof" handle covers on his doorknob inside his bedroom so he can't get out. Most of us adults know you can break them off by splitting them from the middle. So does Gator.

The Boss called me at work today to let me know that shortly after putting him in his room for his nap, she sat down with Coco for a restful feeding. But moments later, a little head rounded the corner. He gave her a stern "you shouldn't have done that" glare and threw the two halves of the cover in her face at the same time.

But this is not an isolated incidence.

A week after Coco's arrival, I went to church with the family. During the opening hymn, I was asked to help the Deacons with the Sacrament. Without thinking I jumped up leaving the Lizard to watch El Burr and Gator. Well, this had been a tough week for the Man-cub and this act of treason by his dad was too much. I got a tap on the shoulder from Jake who informed me that my son was "throwing" a fit.

Apparently, moments after I left the bench (hard to hear all of this with the music going), Gator yelled "NO!" and with both arms threw his toy box cars across the aisle at an unsuspecting parishioner. He then proceeded to pick up the hymnals and throw them over the bench and on the floor. He them picked up my scriptures and tossed them at the family behind us. At this point, with great reluctance, Jake called on me to stop the fracas.

This is a great example of how the people in my congregation failed me. With all of the smartphones in the room not one person captured this event. Sure, we can catch all of those ignoramus athletes when the do something stupid, but catching a shot-put exhibition in the middle of Sacrament meeting is apparently too much to ask. I'm sure this would have gotten 1M hits if it could have been captured. But all I have is the re-created memory in my head.

I'm pleased to say Gator hasn't resorted to violence against Coco, but he sure is throwing a fit. The following video embodies the spirit of this month for the Gator:

I hate QB Controversies

2011-08-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

The NFL lockout is over, football is back and all I get from my local talk radio is this:

Q: What do you guys think about John Fox as the new head coach?
A: Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow intangibles Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton win now Tim Tebow Kyle Orton I'm better Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow intangibles Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Dolphins Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton better Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow fans Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Jockey Underwear Kyle Orton $9M Tim Tebow Kyle Orton

Q: How do you think the Defense looks this year with Vaughn Miller and new Free Agents?

A: Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow intangibles Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton win now Tim Tebow Kyle Orton I'm better Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow intangibles Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Dolphins Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton better Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow fans Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Kyle Orton Tim Tebow Jockey Underwear Kyle Orton $9M Tim Tebow Kyle Orton

Q: What do you think of the offensive line, McGahee and running the ball more?

This is what all this talk is doing to Broncos fans everywhere:

Crazy Stupid Love & Pizza

2011-07-31T20:27:00.000-07:00

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy anniversary! Today marks 12 years of blissful employment with the Boss. Yesterday we celebrated with some Neapolitan pizza from Marco's Coal Fired Pizzeria in the Vallagio. The Sicilian was very fresh, wonderful crust, amazing Ricotta, can't go wrong. Two can split a pizza for about $17 and be very satisfied. Jake suggested we try the chicken wings, which were excellent. They reminded me of my mother's clay pot chicken.

Next we headed over to the sold-out Landmark for Crazy Stupid Love... a great description of why I haven't been fired yet. This movie had me cracking up right from the get-go and didn't let up. Carrel learning to become a womanizer was hilarious. And let's not forget a STELLAR performance by Josh Groban. Its sad to say, but the Boss had to point him out to me (Sorry Josh - you know Oprah and I still love you). There was a significant plot twist near the end (which I shall not give away) that had me rolling. Plus, Kevin Bacon continues to expand his empire. Can't miss with this flick for a date night.

My biggest problem with this movie is the yard work. After getting the ax, Cal still goes back to his house at night and prunes the rose garden, fertilizes flowers, aerates the lawn... at this point the Boss leans over -- "Look how much he loves her!" I admit, I completely stink at yard work. Marginal forced labor as a child with a push mower scarred me for life. And now I'm paying for it... I hate you Cal.

My Son Conquers Hanging Lake

2011-07-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I assaulted Hanging Lake in Glenwood Canyon with the Lizard, El Burr and Gator. This is a 1.2 mile hike (each way) and has a 1,000 ft elevation gain. I intended to carry the Gator to the top, however he would have none of it. And so it was, this determined MAN-CUB nearly completed the entire ascent. I was immensely proud and also a bit upset that he has stolen away so much of my life essence. To show my fatherly feelings of joy, I share the following:

Here are some pictures of the lake. Totally worth the hike, but don't be crazy like me. This isn't for small kids, especially if you don't want to carry them all the way down after they pass out from exhaustion.

2011 Summer Film Rankings

2011-07-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

I have blown way too much money at the movies this summer. But I've had a great time doing it. Here is my ranking of the movies I've taken in thus far this summer. And don't get ticked if I give away some spoilers.

8. Green Lantern - Ryan Reynolds made this flick bearable, but the amount of CGI made me feel like I was watching a Star Wars prequel. I'm sure GL purists love the mask, but it was too much CGI for me.

7. Thor - Since I don't bat for the other team, I guess I missed out on the point of this movie. Enough said on that. The Asgard stuff was good, but the scenes on earth were just awkward. I'm still waiting for the Academy to take the Oscar back from Natalie Portman for this movie. My favorite moment? "This drink... I like it! [SMASH] ANOTHER!!" - Justified the whole $200M production.

6. Transformers - I broke my vow to never watch a movie in 3D again and paid the price. Nothing special really jumped out at me. I was stunned that most of the Decepticons were killed at the end. I was pleased this movie didn't feel like a 3-hour recruitment video for the Marines. But I did walk out the theater feeling like a 13 year-old again. For the 3rd time, a perfectly good action movie was messed up by 50 pointless body-shots of a supermodel that does not belong in such a movie.... Look at those explosions! Look at that perfect hair! The wing suits were probably my favorite part of the flick. Amazing stuff there. I'm hoping for a 4th installment so we can see the Constructicons combine to form Devastator and Battle Omega Supreme as the camera pans back and forth between epic mechanical alien battles and sweaty supermodels with epic facial expressions.

5. Super 8 - Like most monster movies, it was really great up until the monster is revealed. I want a movie were aliens either come and enrich mankind or just eradicate us by putting something in the water. This really was a great flick, if you are not prone to blowing money at the box office, its a very worthy rental.

4. Kung Fu Panda 2 - Any movie were Jack Black gets to geek out over Kung-fu works for me. The peacock villain was a great change from a typical bad guy. Lots of fun for the family.

3. X-Men First Class - The camp factor was at a minimum, which is not an easy feat for a comic book film. I think this installment is my favorite of the franchise thus far. McAvoy and Fassbender were great as young Prof. X and Magneto. Kevin Bacon extends the power of his six degrees of separation to the comic book world. Now none can escape him. Can't wait to see X and Mag mix it up in the next chapter.

2. Midnight in Paris - Loved this movie. Hemingway was HILARIOUS! - Just a sample of his dialogue for posterity:

"Yes. It was a good book because it was an honest book, and that's what war does to men. And there's nothing fine and noble about dying in the mud unless you die gracefully. And then it's not only noble but brave."

"All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman's heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal."

"No subject is terrible if the story is true, if the prose is clean and honest, and if it affirms courage and grace under pressure."

...Right. This comedy kept me rolling the whole time. Owen Wilson was perfect and it was great to see Rachel McAdams get back to being evil.

1. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part Deux - Hollywood magic at its best. I truly forgot about life for the span of this movie. The final chapter truly did not disappoint me at all. Dare I say the film actually improved on the book with memories from Snape's tears and the memories in the adaptation make his courage and love for Lilly much more compelling than what I originally imagined in the book. The final battle was truly a spectacle. Finally a movie where Voldermort gets plenty of screen time. Radcliffe wasn't amazing, but didn't get in the way of the story either. I'm sure all of the WB execs are wishing they had chosen to split all 7 books into two movies and made $4B instead of $2B. Heck, I would have been game for it. The end is very bittersweet. I came home, looked at my black cat and started hoping it would transform into a witch. I guess I'll just have to wait for the all-mighty JK to roll out new material in the future. This is a very fitting end to a huge franchise. Must be seen on the big screen - Yes CA I'm talking to you. Set your pride aside and enjoy the moment.

BTW - The trailer for the Dark Knight Rises already has my geek-out meter on 10. Until next summer. At least TDKR it will get here before 12-21-2012.

Smoke-out

2011-07-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Boss and I hosted one of the largest gatherings we've ever attempted. Nearly 40 people in the back yard to celebrate the 4th of July with some food, the trampoline, bean bags, Eagles radio and good times. But what took it all to the next level, was not that this was a BBQ or Cookout - it was a Smoke-out.

What exactly is a Smoke-out? I assure you it has nothing to do with the tradition of slowly infusing meats with savory smoke hour after hour. Its the opposite. When you are trying to grill up 40 burgers, 15 bratwurst and 10 hot dogs in a matter of 20 minutes to feed a small platoon the grease from all that meat goes crazy. Plus when the wind carries all of that smoke right into your guests faces, you have a genuine Smoke-out.

The smoke got so thick I thought the back yard looked like a war movie set. But as I shouted out to the choking crowd for takers on two bratwurst I was informed I looked like I was having a Cheech & Chong "up in smoke" moment. As I stood over the grill adding cheese and removing burgers the tears literally streamed down my face. I wept on the 4th of July.

Finally I shut down the grill and enjoyed the fruit of our smoke. You know you stink at grilling when multiple people tell you "poor thing" as they see your bloodshot eyes. Shortly after we finished eating, the F-16s that I ordered did an impressive fly-by over the house. But that wasn't the end of my over-the-top performance. We then proceeded to the street for some crazy illegal suburban fireworks which I happened to pick up in Cheyenne last week during a work trip.

Its sad when the excitement of fireworks is based in whether or not they will burn down the neighbor's house or blow up a parked car in front of a crowd of witnesses. But I was determined to be a good host to the bitter end. Granted, we didn't lite up the rockets or M-150s I picked up (save those for camping), but there were a few fountains that defied gravity and had some serious explosive power. The first crackling fountain sent five of the girls screaming and running for the front porch. The kids also got a kick out of multiple smoke bombs going off at once, continuing the theme of our evening. Apparently, our fireworks were crazy enough to lure some kids out from down the street that were forbidden to have fireworks. I became a corrupter of youth and an enemy of the street.

After the show, our smoke infused friends departed and we headed over to our "Secret Spot" to watch the big fireworks show. I hate to say this, but without the music that goes with the show, 20 minutes of fireworks gets old. Maybe I'm not a true American anymore or I was just Smoked-out.

Lionel Richie IS THE MAN

2011-07-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

As I relax on this wonderful holiday weekend, I turn to the great music of the past that embodies the spirit of freedom of expression through music. Although I was too macho to admit I got misty when this song came on the radio as a youth, I can now own up to it. This video is simply amazing!

No one rocked geri curls better than Lionel. The whole plot of forbidden love between a music teacher and a blind student is timeless. Name me one other video with sultry braille reading followed by a life sized bust of the singer that could double as a chia-head. The ending was tribute to the beauty and power of love to overcome all obstacles. Even blindness.

I'm disgusted with most of today's music. Where are the good times? The good feelings? Gone forever. At least we can look back and say, Hello!

Metal Singing Lessons

2011-06-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

As an old hair metal enthusiast, I found this to be totally awesome! To be sure to at least watch from 2:18 for the best effect.

Bow to Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus

2011-06-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

Yes folks. I called it... though looking through a glass darkly. Pottermore will be a type of MMORPG, just a bit different from the typical one. Rest assured, my predictions for your future are reliable. For $50 I'll take any other challenges.

I can see into your soul...

Pottermore & Virtual Reality

2011-06-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a link the following website put together by J.K. "Awesome" Rowling, http://www.pottermore.com/. If you go to the site, you'll see the following:

I must admit, I'm sweaty with anticipation. But for what? Here are some rumors from jotzoom.com of what Pottermore is:

It’s a social networking site for Harry Potter fans
It’s a Harry Potter branded smart phone
It’s a Harry Potter encyclopedia
It’s an online Harry Potter MMORPG game
It’s a iOS game for iPhone, Ipad
It’s a new series of Harry Potter related books
It’s a prequel book to Harry Potter
Another Harry Potter theme park, possibly in the UK
A new official Harry Potter fan site

All noble guesses, but there can only be one. Its time for Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus to take over and declare the future!

Pottermore will be a Massively Multi-player Online Role-playing Game or Harry Potter and the MMORPG. (Pronouced "more-pig" - yes bacon lovers rejoice.) For those of you who don't know what that is:

MMORPG "is a genre of role-playing video games in which a very large number of players interact with one another within a virtual game world." Think Everquest, etc. You know the never ending games people get addicted to and wind up getting divorced or kicked out of school over. You must think I'm joking. But people get very serious about their MMORPGs:

http://gamersushi.com/2010/11/22/todays-wtf-virtual-mmo-real-estate-sold-for-335000/

Yes, people spend some serious bucks for their fantasy life. Soon all of the Pottermaniacs can create their own avatar, buy a wand from Olivander and actually attend Hogwarts! (after spending $10,000 on tuition). I can't wait to hear Snape lecture potions, or stroll down Diagonally and try on the latest dress robes, maybe spend a year practicing to play in the Quidditch world cup, or pet a Norwegian Ridge Back!

But here is where Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus is going to get bold. Virtual Reality MMORPGs will become the greatest addiction to mankind on the planet. In the "not too distant future" in the "cyberden of tomorrow" you may go to work for 6 hours a day and spend 10 in the virtual world of your choice. Kevin Flynn certainly got stuck in his virtual world in Tron Legacy and the Lawnmower Man got crazy smart living in a computer. Why can't I become the most powerful wizard in the virtual world of Pottermore? Or fight Darth Vader in the carbon freezing chamber on Bespin?

But this goes beyond just games. A business conference call could now take place with everyone in the same room. Long Distance relationships? A thing of the past. And if any female readers think there are no perks, how about shopping for clothes or a trip to the spa? Sticking your crazy kids into a cyber trampoline center while you take a nap?

This all sounds nuts to me. But how far off are we from achieving this? NFAD is not sure, but since I've already predicted the world will end on April 6, 2033 http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/01/teotwawki.html, the VR MMORPGs people better get moving. I now predict it will happen by 2025. After the Anti-Christ rules the VR MMORPG world for eight years and people give up on the reality God created for them, the Lord will come to reclaim us from our misguided attempts at happiness. Perhaps that is how everyone will see the sign of his comming? We'll all be hooked up to a VRMMORPG. Only those with the faith to unplug themselves will go out to meet Him while the rest burn as they cling to an artificial world ruled by the devil.

Hold Music

2011-06-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

I got stuck on the phone today with some hold music that wasn't bad at first, but after 5 minutes, the clapping drove me nuts. I now share it with you:

And no post on this subject is complete without the following Star Wars parody:

I swear I'm not that bored, just compelled by odd things today.

BTW - In my last post I should have said the Jim Carey "A Christmas Carol" flick based on the Dickens Classic and Polar Express theme should be renamed "A Halloween Carol." It practically scared my kids to death! What's with the Ghost of Christmas Present turning into a laughing skeleton blown away by the wind? Someone fell off the Polar Express and forgot this is a kids Christmas movie. Oh well...

Middle of June

2011-06-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

A few random hits for the summer thus far:

Movie: Hereafter - I heard this was an awful movie, but actually rather enjoyed it. Perhaps it was due to shouting "BDH!!!" every time Bryce Dallas Howard was on screen, who knows? The whole twins thing and the depressing music was great. The Tsunami scene at the beginning made the whole time investment worthwhile. And once again, we have a movie with French people acting like superior self-absorbed, jerks. Good times.

Movie: Rabbit Hole - Despite the WORST title of all times for a movie, I decided to pick this up at the Red Box. This movie is like rubbing your face against an emotional cheese grater for 2 hours. Its one ugly conversation after another. Nothing in this movie showed that grief can also be beautiful and a necessary part of life. Ekhart's failed seduction scene with the Al Green music was pretty dang awesome. But outside of that, near the end I started wishing a Rabbit Hole would allow me to escape from the film. But I rarely give up on a movie and saw this out to the bitter end. The only fun I managed to have during this movie was yelling "YANG!" at the actress from Grey's Anatomy and telling her to scrub up for surgery.

Talking to Movies - I have a problem with that lately.

Eating Bugs - The Lizard and I have taken to doing evening bike rides. Can I just say how wonderful it is when your kids are old enough to do things like this instead of watch Sponge Bob and demand ice cream? The only downside is swallowing a mosquito and having it wriggle around in the back of your throat for 10 minutes. Lizard handled an 8 mi ride with flying colors and no complaints. Perhaps its time to get her a road bike and start training for the Tour de France?

LBJ = Choke Artist - LeBron, you want 7 titles? At this pace you'll be lucky to get 1 or 2 if you keep choking to death in the 4th Quarter. However, the Karma Factor should be considered here. Dirk got hosed by the officiating in Miami in 2006. Perhaps the Universe was just giving it back to him with a sick Game 2 comeback and then a close-out win in Game 6 in Miami? I'm no Mavs lover, but it was good to see Dirk and Kidd win a title and get off "The List" of great NBA players with no ring.

Chrome Convert - Yes CA, I have converted all of my work and home browsing to Chrome and am LOVING it! Things really do run smoother, faster and I feel a little less evil... Heck, even my work is moving our email provider over to Gmail. We'll still keep our domain, but all of the storage, etc. will be on Gmail when I'm away from my lappie or phone. Does this mean Google is now becoming as evil as Microsoft if I'm using them so much?

Geeking Out - I want to know what character I should be for the midnight session of HPDH Part Duex - The movie experience of a GENERATION. Yes, I commit here and now to dress up and take pictures.

I Love the Wind

2011-06-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lately, we've had a consistent breeze here in the Mile High City. Not necessarily a blustery day like Pooh dealt with, but a mild wind, nothing strong enough to give you serious problems or ruin a picnic. Although I'm not out reveling in it, I'm enjoying it. I wouldn't be surprised to see the ghost of Patrick Swazye show up and start serenading me with "She's Like the Wind" on my back porch as I watch the sun go down. What could be better?

But I've heard several people complain that this gentle caress of air is driving them nuts.

????

What's so bad about a breeze? Here are reasons why our recent air flow is a good thing.

Keeps the air fresh and the smog away making our skyline beautiful.
Evening breezes help cool off the house reducing the need for AC and energy savings
Saving energy saves the planet and makes you a good person regardless of how you live.
Wind Turbines and tax dollars to build them are suddenly justified.
The Bible says being born of the Spirit is like the Wind. (St. John 3:8). The Bible further references wind 158 times.
The wind is a gentle reminder from God or the Universe (whatever you prefer) that he is still there even if you can't see him.
Sports - Kite flying, sailing, wind surfing, hang gliding, parasailing, snowskiting and ice boating. Are you ready to give those up?
Think of all the manual laborers grateful for a breeze to help cool them off as they perform back breaking labor.
The Legend of Zelda - Wind Waker.
A breeze for football players on a two-a-day in August is a gift indeed.

The list could go on an on, but I've made my point. Whether you are a member of the Green religion worried about your carbon footprint or Old School religion and worried about salvation, white collar, blue collar, athletic or artistic, you should love the wind.

And now to honor the wind I list the 10 greatest songs about the wind.

"Wind of Change" - Scorpions
"Dust in the Wind" - Kansas
"She's Like the Wind" - Patrick Swazye
"Summer Breeze" - Seals & Croft
"Candle in the Wind" - (Sir) Elton John
"Blowin in the Wind" - Peter Paul & Mary - Bob Dylan
"Ride like the Wind" - Christopher Cross
"Wind beneath my Wings" Bette Midler
"Against The Wind," - Bob Seger
"Rock you like a Hurricane" - Scorpions

The Scorpions make the list twice and are thus the greatest "Wind" band of all times. If you are still struggling with the wind, contact me and I'll send you a CD of the Top 10 Winds songs absolutely free!! You'll get that fine, breezy feelin back. I'll say it again: what could be better?

The Future of Movie Franchises

2011-05-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

And now for a taste of things to come:

Laugh all you want. This is the future. I'm excited for the 4 new movies to be made off of the final Batman film and my head is going to explode thinking about the Justice Leauge and the Avengers.

Turkey in the Eagle's Nest

2011-05-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended a Court of Honor and was obliged to join the "Eagle's Nest" where all those valiant in scouting to the rank of Eagle reside in glory. But some like me perch in shame.

Behind nearly every Eagle is a great threat. Here are some I've heard over the years:

No driver's license till Eagle
Can't participate in a sport or activity
Denial of college support/tuition
General shunning from parents outside of legally required support
Pouring honey in hair while asleep (no joke)

I come from a line of Scouting. For my father, Scouts was like sports for me. Going to Philmont was like the Superbowl in Dallas with the big screen. His father got the Silver Beaver and by heaven, his offspring would have their Eagle. When he tragically died on the Klondike, my Eagle became not just a goal, but an unbreakable blood oath. So I add my threat to the list (never issued to me, but clearly implied by the Universe):

DON'T SHAME THE MEMORY OF YOUR DECEASED FATHER WHO DIED IN THE ACT OF SCOUTING.

Even a boneheaded teenager can get that one... Barely. I got my life rank by the time I was 13 and it only took me a mere 5 years to complete my project and get my Eagle 2 days before turning 18. I pause now to thank the multiple leaders who made Herculean efforts to get my project approved, completed and written up. And it all starts as a cub scout getting their Bobcat badge and being flipped upside down.

A taste of things to come?

I think if the parents did over 70% of the work, the Eagle award should be presented while the father has the son in an excruciating arm bar. Then, the mother pins the badge directly into their son's flesh. The screams of agony would be like the birth of a new baby Eagle.

I was free from shaming my father's memory, but I was now bound to a life of being a Turkey in the Eagle's Nest. Can I tie a bowline hitch? Throw a hatchet through a log at 25 yards? Repel dysentery through sheer intestinal fortitude? No.

I am a disgrace.

I don't own a scout uniform anymore. I don't fancy wearing hankies around my neck. I'm not sure I can name all of the ranks correctly in order right now or recite the scout law. I know many non-Mormons find our approach to rushing kids through the Eagle (such as me) disgraceful. So why do I sit in the Eagle's nest? My mother worked too hard for me not to. If I rejected the nest, I would be rejecting the sacrifice of my parents.

Will I impose the Eagle standard on my own son? No.

I will encourage him and help, but no threats. I declare this here and now in the presence of you three readers!!

Why? If he gets his Eagle, I want him to be able to hold his head up in the Eagle's Nest with clear eyes and a full heart. Able wrestle a bear into submission, lash massive towers together with elaborate knots and eat things that would make a Billy-goat puke. The way a real Eagle should be.

Comic Book Movies: For Chicks?

2011-05-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I got to crash girls night out at the Wednesday night movies. They were planning to see THOR and I figured my man card would remain intact...

Boy was I wrong. Before tip-off the girls were already giggling over the hunky guy playing the legendary, ripped, THOR. Within one minute, Natalie Portman hits THOR with her van and seeing this stud on the ground exclaims, "Please don't be dead!"

That basically summed it up. To further my point, I know a high school senior who went to see this during some off periods in the middle of the day and reported the theater was FULL of women. How did we get here? I blame 300. Here is a quote from from firstshowing.net:

"For women, the entire movie is eye candy. For 2 hours you get to stare at the hottest guys with unbelievable 8-pack abs fighting tirelessly for their homeland wearing hardly any clothes. It's almost like "Guy's Gone Wild" (but, thank goodness, for the sake of men, it's not that bad). Even if you're not a big fan of Gerard Butler, you've got 299 others to choose from. I hope to see all you ladies out at the theaters this weekend! From what I've seen and what I've heard, these are pretty accurate and you'll be guaranteed a good time."

I'm sure studio execs love the idea of tapping the other 50% of the population to see their $200 million dollar movies. So this summer, we have the blond Norse Stud, effectively CGI naked Green Lantern and Captain Underwear Model (America). If I go see one of these movies with another guy, are we suddenly on a date?

Is there any hope? We have one Batman film left, which does not appear to pander to women the way some recent comic book films have. Next, Nolan will put his spin on The Man of Steel (I'm assuming fully clothed). But the door to the temple of comic book movies has been kicked in and chicks are overrunning the altar of man-movies.

If I were a Vegan in High School

2011-05-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

This really does sound like the crap I used to listen to in HS. You have to stick with this for a few minutes to get the full effect!

Hawaiian Tourist

2011-05-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Eight days and a fierce ankle sunburn have brought our trip to the Hawaiian islands to a close. Here is a brief breakdown of the trip.

Friday – 3 connections to arrive at Oahu and scenic drive to the north to Turtle Bay, BYU Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). Constant Rain. Started temple session at 11:00 PM Denver time. Luckily we move from room to room, however I’m still nodding off toward the end. Best meal during the trip? The temple cafeteria. Pulled chicken and potato curry over rice with peas. May not sound special, but I kid you not… Perhaps atmosphere really is everything with food.

The PCC

Saturday – Mile swim in the pool during the monsoon. We intended to hit up the Hukilau Café for lunch as it was featured on Man vs. Food, but alas it is only open for breakfast. After cursing bitterly and spitting into the dust, we head over to the Laei Drive-In due to a good rating on Tripadvisor. It was grease upon grease. Totally disgusting. Fully lubed, we head over to look at the BYU Pineapple and then on to the PCC.

Polynesian Cultural Center – Upon pulling into the parking lot I realized this place is Disneyland but instead of Tomorrow Land and Frontier Land, you have areas for various island cultures such as Tonga, Samoa, Fiji, Hawaii, etc. Our BYU-P hosts take our “family” from village to village. It was an awesome day of throwing sticks at each other, swinging ceremonial balls and eating raw Poi. I especially loved the drum session in Tonga with audience participation and the Samoan presentation on how to harvest Coconuts. They actually had some kid book up a palm tree in a matter of 5 seconds. In an era full of litigation, I was pleased they had no safety harness or mats for this kid to fall on. Raw and authentic, just the way I like it. The Luau was great, aside from sharing it with 500 other guests and being herded through a buffet line. The raw Salmon was tasty and I loved the purple Poi based rolls. Of course the Kaluha pig roasted in the earth all day was perfectly moist and delicious.

I must say by the end of the Luau, I was pretty Poly’d out. But determined to get the full experience, we headed to the gift shop so we could pass an hour and attend the final event… HA – The Breath of Life. It was an amazing show, but our Denver clocks still registered 11:30 PM when the show started. After a host of dances blade throwing, Haka and 15 incredible fire dancers, I was done. But wait! We hung on long enough to rip a pearl out of the flesh of some poor oyster slave. We discarded its body and shell and proceeded back to Turtle Bay where I pulled the fork out of my abdomen and fell asleep.

Sunday – Happy Mother’s Day with no kids! After another hearty breakfast of oatmeal, we headed over to the chapel next to the Temple for Church. I have to say most Polynesians when they are stateside love to start a talk with “Brothers and Sisters, ALOHA!” (they then coach the audience to say ALOHA back – but its never enthusiastic enough). As the first speaker approached, I was prepared…

[Speaker] “Brothers and Sisters, aloha.”

[Congregation] aloha.

My heart sank. The vigor for a hearty ALOHA! reciprocation only appears to be necessary stateside. Back home, they only go through the motions so they don’t come off as fully hypocrites. Forcing me to sit back down, the Boss and I enjoyed the rest of the service being much edified by several musical numbers and colorful speakers.

Next we headed to Pearl Harbor. We took in the museums and the USS Arizona movie before taking a ferry to the memorial over the remains of the ship. Pretty sobering experience and my gratitude for those who served went up a couple of notches that day.

Week of 5/6-5/12 - Work conference. Being in the same place as last year felt like deja vu. On Thursday we got out on a catamaran and snorkeled for 2 hours. There was a family of 5 sea turtles that were amazing. But of course, I was unprepared with no underwater camera, so I have no proof. On Friday/Saturday we hit Front Street in Lahina and its 10,000 art galleries and ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise. - Yes, Kobe beef really is tasty. Especially when its wrapped in BACON.

I stopped crying long enough to take this photo

The flight home? I don't remember it because I hit two Unisom before the flight. It was good to get home. I missed the kids screaming at me and the good times we have together. May the spirit of ALHOA remain with you. Always.

Kid History

2011-04-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

There are a bunch of these but this was my favorite. My face hurt I was laughing so much. ENJOY!!!

Is it just me or do these guys seem right out of Provo?

Better Marriage Blanket

2011-04-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

While I'm on the kick of AWESOME commercials, check this out.

"The same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons." - AWESOME. Guess what the boss is going to get me for Christmas? Much less humiliating than that blasted nose hair trimmer - which I have never used.

But wait! - I'm not so sure this blanket is a marriage saver. It might even be a marriage destroyer. If I were a cruel husband, I could see this blanket being used as a WMD when the "covered wagons" come to town unexpectedly. (MWHAHAHAHAH!)

This begs the question, how long would I have to sleep on the couch if I employed this special blanket in a prank? Is it even forgivable? I previously posted on an article that said crimes of betrayal in the marraige bed are essentailly unforgivable. I think going covered wagons with this blanket qualifies. So women, consider the consequences before you rush out to the store to buy one of these for the man you unfortunately sleep next to.

Gator's Next Christmas

2011-04-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

I would have killed for this as a kid.

Needless to say, if I can find one on Ebay, Gator will be thrilled next Christmas as we turn our yard into Swiss Cheese.

Movie Club: Limitless

2011-04-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to my movie club of one. I just saw Limitless, a great origin film about a contemporary superhero with no tights, slogans or comic book affiliation. What is his power? The hero is given a drug called NZT which allows him to access 100% of his brain, rather than the 1%-10% humans normally do. This allows him to remember every martial arts move in a fight or fact about the stock market when trading. The downside is coming off the high and becoming a drug addict. The movie has a good pace, some fun editing and Bradley Cooper does a great job as an addict. I heartily recommend the film. Now, I'll get into my rant after watching the movie. Spoilers ahead and you'll get completely lost if you are unfamiliar with LDS doctrine.

At the end of the movie, the smartest guy in the world goes into politics??? OK. That's not my real issue. At the end of the movie, the hero used his uber-brain to refine the drug and make it safe and non-addictive. I started wondering, if a pill like that was available, would I take it? Yes. I think I would. Then the Boss said, what if the Church said no? And I wondered, if the church said no, does that mean God want us to be stupid?

I believe the capacity to use our minds to the full extent is there, why do we not do it or have it? Is the test of choosing to love God and our fellowman, keeping the commandments and enduring to the end easier if we are dumb? If we have too much intellect would the trial of faith be too easy? Or perhaps it would be too difficult? Nephi says:

"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."

From this, I get that being smart is a good thing, if you are obedient. So why not send everyone to Earth with 100% brain activity? Clearly the veil is meant to separate us from the vast majority of what we have in our minds. Think about it. We've existed for a very, very long time and probably have massive amounts of knowledge in there somewhere. Would 100% brain activity mean we could remember the pre-existence and make the test of mortality pointless? I think this may be the case. The veil allows us to see what's in our hearts, not our minds.

We came here to get bodies, which carry tremendous power. I like to think of life as a driving test to see what type of car we can be entrusted with. Consider cars described in D&C 88:28-32:

"They who are of a celestial spirit shall receive the same body which was a natural body; even ye shall receive your bodies, and your glory shall be that glory by which your bodies are quickened.

Ye who are quickened by a portion of the celestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who are quickened by a portion of the terrestrial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And also they who are quickened by a portion of the telestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

And they who remain shall also be quickened; nevertheless, they shall return again to their own place, to enjoy that which they are willing to receive, because they were not willing to enjoy that which they might have received."

Is it possible that only the Celestial quickening brings 100% brain activity? Jesus continued from grace to grace until he received a fullness (D&C 93:12-17). His example on earth was not to go make a ton of cash or scientific discoveries. He was the superhero with 100% brain activity and he chose to focus on the worth of souls.

I'll admit, I walked out of that movie wishing I could learn a language in 1 day, create the food replicator or run around like Neo saying: "I know Kung-fu." But after thinking about it, all I need to do stay the course and help others along the way. One day I'll get the keys to that Celestial car and then it will be off to the races.

Olympic Oafing

2011-04-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Traditional Running

Since my back recently healed I returned to working out with Dave at World of Beautiful Bodies. He informed me the gauntlet had been thrown at him to complete an Olympic Triathlon - which consists of a consecutive:

0.93 mile swim
24.8 mile bike ride
6.2 mile run

Some of you may remember I've done a few practice Spirit Triathlons which is the Olympic distance cut in half. Naturally I can't resist the challenge, so I broke out the Rocky music and started training. On Friday I took on the 1 mile swim in the pool and focused on limiting my use of legs to save them for the bike and run. Needless to say my upper body was on fire when I finished. Saturday morning I got up at 6AM, plotted out my six mile run and assaulted the course.

Or maybe the course assaulted me. If there is one thing I hate doing, its running. Most folks consider four general speeds or gears for bipedal human forward motion. Walking, jogging, running and sprinting. But during this run, I discovered I fit into a new classification:

Sprinting
Running
Jogging
Oafing - ME
Walking

Oafing

What exactly is Oafing? Imagine you are driving down the street and see some uncoordinated, has-been dude over 200 lbs moving slowly down the sidewalk. He isn't walking, but the pace is too slow to be jogging. His face is beat red and a mask of determined agony. You wonder if he is in trouble or disturbed. Before dialing 911, you figure whatever this guy's problem is, he'll stop moving soon and you drive on past. That my friends is what its like to witness OAFING.

Yes, I oafed my way to six miles with no walking and the quest for Olympic Glory has begun. Of course, that will all change once I buy my multi-purpose speedo to wear throughout the race. Until next time, happy oafing to all.

Bizzaro Families

2011-03-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Upon learning this morning that the Gator would not be followed by another MANmal, STMadDog pointed out we now have Bizzaro families (2 girls 1 boy, 1 girl) vs. (2 boys, 1 girl, 1 boy). In honor of this amazing cosmic event, I now share the following Seinfeld Bizzaro clip, which is almost completely unrelated to our good news.

The question is: Who is the evil version of the family?

Rabbi Jimmer

2011-03-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, BYU plays Kosher basketball. This may sound odd since the university is owned by the LDS church, but true nonetheless.

Generally speaking, Kosher food is prepared under supervision of a qualified Rabbi. In the case of BYU basketball, coach Dave Rose has clearly declared each possession should be blessed by Rabbi Jimmer or it is not Kosher. Don't believe me? Watch the tape. The other four players on the floor look desperate to have Jimmer at least touch the ball once, if not give it right back to him after a pass on each possession. This actually became comical to me during the Gonzaga game and I started paying attention for non-Kosher possessions.

I understand when you have the best player on the floor you want the ball in their hands, but on this team its religious obsession. Even for hard-core Mormons. I wonder if Dave Rose told some of the the players: "You see where Davies is sitting? I can make that happen in the blink of an eye if I catch you running non-Kosher plays out there." Clearly Jimmer has embraced his Rabbinic role, calling for the ball virtually every second its out of his hands. Heck the second he passes the ball, he's calling for it again. Yep, its that important to be Kosher.

And why not? With the Chuck Norris of Mormon basketball players at the helm, BYU has made it back to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 1981. You'd better believe in Kosher basketball and like it, because Kosher ball is FULL OF WIN. Just look at Jean Luc after watching the last game:

Award Acceptance - 7 Things

2011-03-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

I just got my first ever award for blogging. (Stop laughing). In order to receive the award I must share 7 things about myself... that may not be true. Or are they?

I can speak better than butter without margarine. See: Psalms 55:21
My 7th Grade science teacher claimed we had Kip Winger's desk encased in glass in the basement of the school.
I've released two techno albums under the group known as Biscuits n Gravy.
Twice I have received thongs as gifts.
My teachers used to think I was disturbed because I'd doodle people with swords stuck in their mouths on my homework.
I've nearly been shot for carrying an Uzi with a ski mask on.
My first car accident was caused by a goose on a dirt road.

Yep, my horcrux now contains a bunch of seriously lame things about myself. However, I want an authentic horcrux, not one of those "I'm so cool" ones that gets stuck inside of my mortal enemy and betrays my every waking thought to this pathetic teenager who can't stop whining or comb his hair.

Did I mention "7" is the perfect magical number?

MWHAAHAHAHahahahaah... ah-ha.

Love Your Enemy

2011-03-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a funny take on what it means to love your enemy from Garrison Keillor, the man behind the News from Lake Woebegon... where the women are strong, the men are good looking and the children above average.

Garrison has a humorous take on a sermon by a female Lutheran Pastor in Lake Woebegon about loving your enemies. Matt 5:44

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

"This is a very troublesome, VERY TROUBLESOME verse and she (the Pastor) said, no its true and this was Jesus's commandment, we are to do this. Easy to love people who are nice to you, anyone can do that. But you to have to love those that have caused you pain, don't turn away from them. Love those who cause you pain....

[Garrison reports a mother hearing the sermon calls her daughter who has been living with a bunch of losers in the city doing drugs, homeless, novelists, etc. caused this mother a lot of pain and comes to the following realization]

"Oh why oh why does she live with these losers? And then it dawned on her, maybe this is a form of loving your enemy? Living with somebody...Maybe that's all marriage is - loving your enemy. You need to be loved so you snuggle up close to somebody for a few years and gradually over time they get to see the worst of you and you get to see the worst of them. They know your worst points better than you worst enemies do. They've seen how cruel and how small minded you can be and how silly and inconsequential you may be and they know all the worst things and there you are...lying next to them. You're lying next to this intimate enemy of yourself. Your worst critic right there in bed with you. Maybe that's what love is."

I recommend if you really want to catch the humor (the guy's voice is very unique), listen here:

Red Box Etiquette - For the Next Generation

2011-03-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

I freely admit when it comes to etiquette, I am an unrefined man. In fact, I looked up the Webster definition before writing this post to be safe.

et·i·quette, noun \ˈe-ti-kət, -ˌket\ : the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life

Clearly this definition is no longer PC. However, by the world's standards, I'm a serious breeder so I'm now qualified to lecture on Red Box Etiquette.

Thanks to the local Blockbuster and Hollywood Video closing their doors, the only way for me to rent movies is via mail (Netflix or Blockbuster), instant (Netflix) or kiosk (Red Box, Blockbuster, etc.). If you want to rent something on the spur of the moment, the kiosk is now the new video store.

So last night the Boss reserved a copy of "Life as We Know it" and I drove out to the store to pick it up and met with a situation that may be familiar to many of you. An indecisive couple was ahead of me and just stood there for about 3-5 minutes debating each title and browsing the menu, starting over several times. No one was behind me, so I left, did some shopping, came back... and they were still there. Being of good breeding, I didn't chastise them, but still waited a couple more minutes before they gave up and walked away. Setting aside my contempt, I displayed my higher breeding to the people behind me by executing a 30 second transaction thanks to my online reservation and left in an indignant huff.

As I drove home I realized the new era of video rentals needs some rules to be established. Gone are the days of spending 30 minutes picking out a movie in a store. All of my rules below stem from actual experience. In doing this, I fancy myself as Jean Luc Picard, a man of impeccable etiquette, bolding setting a code of conduct for the video rental kiosk in the Next Generation. (It helps if you imagine his voice reading the following):

Realize this is the information age and everyone is "supposedly" in a hurry. In other words, be respectful of other people's time. This is OLD SCHOOL etiquette that confers great personal satisfaction to one's self and close society.
To further prove your good breeding, be respectful and keep your trip to the kiosk under two minutes.

To achieve this, reserve the movie online before going OR have your choices narrowed down to 2 or 3 titles so selection is economical and a pleasure to behold from the line.

When it is your turn at the kiosk, you should be off the cell phone and busy closing the transaction. It is rude to stand there leisurely chatting about selection or some other unrelated fried froth. Gentle smiles always follow a disciplined mobile user.
Circle of Comfort - How would you feel if someone followed you around the video store looking over your shoulder at every title considered? I might slap them for such rude behavior. So why is this permitted at the kiosk? I've literally had people about a foot away staring at my entire rental process. Simple rule: When waiting your turn, give the renter 3 feet of space or remain well outside of arm's reach. If I could, I'd paint a "red box" around the rental area and hire a disgruntled DMV employee to tell people to stand behind the line.
If you exceed the two minute limit, ask if the person behind you would like a turn while you use a life line to call for advice on title selection. This is a great courtesy to those simply wanting to return a rental. Your place in the upper realm of high breeding will be secure.

I'm confident if we all commit to this bold new code our own sense of self-actualization will increase by 2.3% and firmly place us on the path to discovering the DVD replicator. Then with the full weight of my pedigree I can proclaim: Movie, Ferris Buller's Day Off... Make it so!

For more fun with Etiquette, visit Etiquette Hell: http://www.etiquettehell.com/

Kill the Boy & Chocolate Cake

2011-03-10T14:35:00.000-08:00

Best stuff ever from Bill Cosby. Parents will enjoy or they have no soul.

Being a hard core chocolate lover and a lazy cook for my kids, I epically got a kick out of this one.

Deep or Painful?

2011-03-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

I want your vote on the following clip. Is it deep and inightful or just painfully depressing?

Often I feel like I'm the Tree and the boy is Corporate America. It will kill me and I will be happy.

This video also reminds me of my mother who literally would cut her arms off for me and be happy about it. Love you mom.

Honor & Jimmer Worship

2011-03-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

Time to weigh in on the Davies fiasco at BYU this year. I'm proud of my Alma Mater for upholding its standards and showing the world honor is more important than winning. But I'm sick of hearing about how it has generated positive media attention about the church and BYU. This publicity is a nice concession prize for a lost season, but at what price?

BYU was arguably having its best basketball season ever with perhaps the Player of the Year (equivalent to the Heisman in Football) in Jimmer Fredette. Publicity for the church? I've often heard one the main reasons BYU athletics exist is for a missionary tool. Let me emphasize the ATHLETICS, not the honor code. Of course the money is huge to a school subsidized by tithing but that's a different topic. I'm pretty confident we would have gotten a ton of favorable press had the team made it to the Final Four. There would be discussion of the honor code and how remarkable it is that these players uphold it. People still talk about Danny Ainge and our Sweet 16 run, back in the day. This could have generated positive discussions for years. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God. I'd like to think the Lord would much prefer the exposure from winning than honor code violations.

We learn from Alma 32 that the Lord will have a humble people. I daresay, the hype surrounding Jimmer this year could be the biggest dearth of humility the basketball fans have ever displayed. I really have enjoyed the websites, etc. How often does the whitest school in America get to say they may have the best basketball player in the country? But perhaps it got out of hand. Here are some websites to enjoy and see how we lost our humility:

http://www.jimmerpoy.com/
"When prisoners need a beat down, they bring in The Jimmer."

http://goodmenproject.com/sports-2/good-men-picks-jimmer-or-san-diego-state/
"Jimmer worship should replace Scientology as the new, trendy “it” religion … if it hasn’t already."

http://dreamcatchermedia.com/jimmered
This is the infamous facebook thread where a female student gets "Jimmered." Hilarious stuff. Highlights on the right.

The facebook thread shows Jimmer becoming the Chuck Norris of Mormons. I'll admit, I love these jokes, but they don't scream humility. Is God punishing BYU fans for a lack of humility and some sacrilegious jokes?

Absolutely not. All of this stems from some poor choices. Is there a silver lining with good publicity about the honor code? Sure, but it came at a very high price. My heart goes out to Davies and his family. Hopefully he can pick things up and be better tomorrow. Hopefully folks in Provo and fans will be willing to support him on that journey rather than ostracize him. That is the spirit of the honor code and a success story I'd love to hear about, but I doubt it will get much media attention.

Frozen Wasteland

2011-03-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

There isn't much to North Dakota. I'm not trying to make fun of it, but in the winter its a frozen wasteland. Naturally, I wound up going there for some work. The one thing this area has going for it is the gas industry, which requires a ton of transient labor. Where do all these guys live? In motels. As a result, when I went to book a hotel in the area, I found that every hotel in western North Dakota was booked. I wound up driving 2 hrs. to Glendive MT for a room and then 2 hrs back to Williston to do the inspection.

Hard Earned Photo

During the drive I listened to a bunch of the BS report and Freakonomics radio. I have to plug Freakonomics radio as one of my favorite podcasts. Very interesting takes on every day topics such as pain, risk, faking it, big cities, Pandora's impact on education and the NFL lockout. The BS report focused on the Oscar results and Bill Simmons advanced a theory that all awards should be given out 5 years after the performance. This is similar to how we judge players for the hall of fame in sports. Under his theory, most of the snubs over the years would have been corrected. And I completely agree the Social Network got HOSED. Probably my favorite film in 2010. At least it won Best Score, which I previously praised in an old post.

Onto my drama in the snow. Once I got to the site, I was limited in my ability to walk the property due to the snow and the roads were covered in drifts. I figured I could get past a few in my rental, but got stuck. I'm sure the Gator would have been very happy to say: "Uh-oh!!" Panic started to set in. I'm basically trespassing on someones land, stuck in the snow and about to miss a non-refundable flight and may have to drive another 2 hours to get back to a motel with vacancy. After 10 minutes of going back and forth and only minor swearing, I got out of the car in my dress shoes and slacks and started to dig out with my bare hands. Just before going numb, I quit and could feel just a bit more traction. Time for one last desperate attempt. I dropped the hammer and floored it and praise the Lord, got out of that drift. A great example of God's goodness to me when I am such an undeserving creature, but I guess there are points in heaven for those who brave the Frozen Wasteland.

DENVER = WINTER & SNOW DONE RIGHT.

Movie Club part VII

2011-02-28T14:32:00.000-08:00

Here are some flicks I've seen lately that were definitely interesting that may have been off the radar for a few of you (all 2.3 of you).

Outsourced: This is the 2006 movie that spawned the NBC sitcom about an American running a call center in India. Not a good commercial. I've never watched the TV show, but the movie found its way into my instant queue on Netflix and I loved it. I was half expecting a major hate festival on American companies that export jobs overseas, but it was really about the manager and his transformation during his time in India. Tons of awkward laughs and cultural insight. Check it out if you have not already.

Love Happens: This flick is recent starring J. Aniston and A. Eckhart. I thought it was a typical date movie that was going to stink, but it has a horribly misleading title. This is a film about grieving, lying and hypocrisy. The protagonist is a motivational speaker/Ph.D who lost his wife and now helps grieving people feel "A-okay!" Only problem is he doesn't drink his own kool-aid. It was interesting to watch someone try to do something good and actually help people, but can't seem to live or accept what he is teaching. It reminded me a lot of how awkward it can feel to try and share the Gospel with people when you don't feel happy about your own life. Interesting character to hate and root for at the same time. Or am I just talking about myself?

GATOR TURNS 2: Quick note. Never start a birthday off with just a doughnut in the morning and some presents. They will be overwhelmed, and crash big time. This kid spent 10 mins with his face in the floor of the foyer at church trying to win an Oscar with his weeping. Nevertheless, Mr. Adorable fought back to enjoy his party with friends and family and added "go" to his vocabulary. Aaaah! Uh-oh and go. The only 3 words you need to lead a simple and profound life.

Uh-Oh!

2011-02-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

FACT: Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) is a myth. Don't believe me? Go to this awesome webiste with FACTS in the name. http://facts-1.com/spontaneoushumancombustion.htm. But is SMC (Spontaneous Microwave Combustion) possible? I think so.

A few moons ago, I woke up to the smell of something burning, but could find no smoke, no flame. After shoveling the walks, I came in and the Boss declared the microwave was "melting." ???? I went over to it and it was indeed so hot the plastic was beginning to warp, oil was leaking, and it was very hot to the touch everywhere. SMC was about to destroy me and my family. So I unplugged the unit and Boss called the Sears guy, who declared without hesitation that the microwave was indeed in the first stages of SMC and there was no hope to fix it.

So after 16 years of ruthlessly nuking others, the nuker became the nuked.

We picked up a new microwave at Home Depot and I heartily refused their install cost of $99 declaring it was an easy job for a man with no mechanical aptitude and a pregnant woman. First lesson learned, never volunteer a pregnant woman to do something she is not inclined to do.

During the removal of SMC, we could not get it off the back bracket after removing the top screws. We turned our backs in frustration for a moment and BAM! SMC fell onto the glass halogen stove-top with an ear-splitting crash. Gator (nearly 2 years old), who isn't much for words knew exactly what to say. He stood up on his chair and shouted "UH-OH!" Once I started swearing, he began repeating UH-OH! Second lesson: don't cuss in front of their kids. They know its wrong.

Many thanks to Shawn, who graciously spent 3 hours on a Saturday helping me install the new machine while taking extra pains not to damage the exposed stove-top. Lesson three: ALWAYS PAY THE INSTALL FEE AND SAVE YOURSELF TIME, TEARS AND DIGNITY.

I hope none of you will ever know the horrors of SMC.

SB XLV

2011-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

SB XLV was a great game, but as many of you may have guessed this was the highlight of my night:

I can identify with this kid. On numerous occasions I tried to move things with the force, but had no success. I remember hanging from a tree branch outside, in the middle of winter trying to get my fake lightsaber to fly into my hand (like Luke on Hoth with the Hoth beast). All that happened was me falling out of the tree.

I told my family to root for Green Bay since I'm sick of the Steelers recent success. As usual, I had my traditional "little smokies" among some nachos, wings, stuffed shrooms and Cinna-bon cupcakes from THE BAKERY BOX. I didn't feel like eating this morning.

It amazes me how much unnecessary pomp and circumstance has gotten into this broadcast. Just one year, I'd like to see a minimalist Super Bowl... Broadcasters wearing plain black suites and ties, no fireworks or special video introductions, local marching band at half-time, 15 minute pre-game show and 5 minutes to present the trophy after the game. Commericals would be unwatchable not treated as mini-film festival. IT WOULD BE PURE FOOTBALL.

But the ratings would stink, money would be lost and so the American greed and glamour machine gives us yesterday's spectacle... For a mere $800 to $10,000 per seat, only to look at the giant TV screen instead of the field below. Ouch. Those folks just got sucker punched by Jerry Jones. Especially the folks watching outside in the cold. Go find a friend with a TV and keep your money.

Here are some classic ads from years gone by. I espeically liked the 1984 Mac ad.

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/03/the-7-best-super-bowl-commercials-ever-aired-videos/

True Grit in the Marriage Bed with a Coach

2011-01-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

TRUE GRIT - Last night I finally made it out to see the re-make of "True Grit." And no, there was not one bowl of grits consumed in the whole film. (If you could shoot me right now, I'm sure you would.). This movie had me at hello. First, it features a character that goes by the name "Rooster." Second, the main character is a sassy little girl out to avenge her father's death at any cost. It was like watching a 14-year old version of the Lizard fighting to make sure she got justice for me. Half of her lines sounded exactly like stuff she would say to people. Aside from that inside humour, this really is a funny movie. I dig "Vernacular" flicks. Sometimes, they are in the southern/western genre, or they might be period British films. Regardless, odd dialogue is all it takes to make me happy.

The Lizard on a quest for VENGEANCE.

THE MARRIAGE BED - I received a challenge yesterday to blog about a very odd news story from the NYT. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41055693/ns/today-relationships/?gt1=43001. Apparently, cheating is forgivable if the act is performed outside the marriage bed. But if done at home in the place you sleep, GAME OVER. Seriously? This idea is so ground breaking it made it into the NY Times? Is psychology really being taken over by the likes of Captain Obvious? This is a great example of garbage created by the 24/7 news machine. They have to constantly put out stories to captivate our attention. So I'll assume this is meant to entertain more than inform. Better yet, it makes for great dinner conversation with the wife:

So... did you hear that the NYT says you can't forgive someone if they cheat on you in the marriage bed?
.....
Yeah, it was a pretty crazy article. What do you think?
.....
.....
Why are you telling me about this?
Nothing, really, just thought it was, uh... informative.
..... really [squinting x-ray vision starts].... Pass the gravy.
Do you think that's a deal breaker?
Why are you asking me this? Are you trying to tell me something?
No, just making conversation. You look amazing in those jeans today. Have you lost 10 pounds in the last week? Did I mention this gravy is AWESOME?

This is why a silent dinner is sometimes golden. Its a sign that a man has figured out how to quit bringing up loaded-topics that just lead to trouble. The next time you see a couple at a restaurant sitting in peaceful silence, go over an applaud them. I hope one day to recieve this acclaim, but it may be impossible.

Coach Fox - My beloved Broncos just finished the season 4-12. Only one other team in the NFL had a worse record. The Carolina Panthers at 2-14. Captain Obvious says... don't hire the coach of that team. So what did we do? HIRE THAT MAN. I don't care if he went to a Super-bowl or is the antithesis of McFired. It just sounds like a bad day at the recycling plant. This is just my initial reaction. I don't know a ton about the guy and wish him the best. I also recognize we were not going to attract a big name like Cowher or Gruden, etc. We are a complete disaster right now. Hopefully the Fantastical Mr. Fox can turn our fortunes around like he initially did with the Panthers.

Colorado Oddities

2011-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Here are my 3 favorite mispronounced names of places in Colorado:

The state itself, Colorado - Local say the ending like "rad-o" where some high-brow say "rah-do." It goes a long way to making one feel like a real cowboy.
Estes Park - I've heard some poor soul (who shall remain nameless) say it like "est-ies"
Arvada - Placing a "duh" sound at the end of this offers hours of amusement.

If you have any others, I welcome your input.

Finally, I want everyone to know that Aurora CO used to be known as FLETCHER.

"It originated in the 1880s, as the town Fletcher, taking its name from Denver businessman Donald Fletcher who saw it as a real estate opportunity. He and his partners staked out four square miles east of Denver, but the town - and Colorado - struggled mightily after the Silver Crash of 1893. At that point Fletcher skipped town, leaving the community with a huge water debt. Inhabitants decided to rename their township Aurora in 1907, and it slowly began to grow in Denver’s shadow becoming the fastest growing city in the United States during the late 1970s and early 1980s."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aurora,_Colorado

2011 Predictions

2011-01-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011. The Cougar Lawyer has challenged me to once again prove my skills in the realm of divination. I have now bathed in rose extract and rubbed a mixture of fennel and hominy paste onto my forehead and spine. I am now ready to divine the future.

I. SPORTS

NFL - Patriots will win the Super Bowl. CBA will be resolved in time for new season with the players getting the shaft. 18 game season with 2 game preseason will become law. Broncos start Tebow in 2011, win 6 games and people will regularly get saved at the stadium. New head coach is clouded even to me... a coordinator for a head coach and a GM are on the horizon.
MLB - Rockies will win the World Series. That's right. Put your gum back in your mouth. Jimenez is going to destroy the league and DeLa Rosa will have a break-out year. Prepare yourselves for Rocktober.
NBA - The Lakers are not hungry enough and the Heat will beat a crippled Celtic team to win the east and beat San Antonio out of the west. Melo will go to the Knicks as a free agent. Nuggets get nothing in return, fans return to their caves in the mountains.
NHL - Avs make it to the west finals, but loose to Chicago. Penguins win it all.

II. EVERYTHING ELSE

New (old) Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys combine to form a super group known as Yvan eht Nioj. Temple of the Dog fans riot declaring their super-group's superiority. After 3 months of unendurable concerts, a gunman mows Y.E.N. down. Pop radio stations flood the airwaves with the music of the slain, leading to a double-dip recession.
Ultra hot model discovers the secret for cold fusion with help from an ex-commie scientist, barely beating out Ted Theodore Logan who was close to the miracle thanks to some help from Morgan Freeman.
Obama's hair becomes completely grey.
American Idol begins a slow painful death.
People start eating PHO (fuh) for breakfast. As it should be. IHOP hires MS-13 to start ruthlessly beating patrons of PHO dives, creating a cult-like following for the new breakfast sensation.
Thor, Green Lantern & Captain America all bomb at the box office. This leads to the demise of the current super-hero movie fad leaving big-money studios searching for new material. Minimalist, high-tech film-makers enter the market with 3D movies like Baraka that have sat in the can for years. Tears flow. Ticket sales soar. The American work week shortens to 50 hours. As this spiritual awakening ensues, Oprah attempts to take credit but no one watches OWN and her new bid for power fails.
Peanut Brittle makes a comeback. Dentists rejoice.

Raise your gaze to the horizon, flare your nostrils and thank Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus for his insight to the future.

If I were a Communist Singer

2010-12-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

Guaranteed happiness if you sing along with me:

Perhaps this video alone demonstrates why we won the Cold War. I'm forbidden to embed this, but it is truly worth your while Comrade. Its a Seinfeld espisde about Santa becoming a Communist. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6PdecBn2no&feature=related

Thank you Seinfeld. And thank you gentle reader for supporting my Horcrux as it reaches 200 Posts!!

Tron Again

2010-12-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

Tron Legacy was the one movie I was super geeked-out over this year. Light bikes, disc battles, awesome body suits... Daft Punk; sounds like a recipe for success. And for the most part it was.

This sequel seems to follow the spirit and general direction of the first film with great results in the first half, but some dull moments in the second. In other words, all of the good action takes place in the first half and the second is devoted to weak plot development that isn't very fulfilling. For example, the first movie starts in reality, guy gets zapped, battles in the games, finds allies, runs from a power crazed program through a virtual world, has some boring moments, then battles the evil program at the end near a column of light to get back to reality. To anyone who saw the first movie you should be having dejavu right now.

Yes, this movie was not so much about plot as special effects and dare I say style? I love modern art and contemporary design so this was my cup of tea. Visually, many sequences were gorgeous. I loved it. The action sequences were great and we even got one drop of blood. These days, I tend to want more plot development and less action; but the visuals are so cool that I'd rather just watch tons of battles than hear people talk about the genocide of digital Isotopes.The first half of this movie and the battle sequences easily justify going to see this movie.

Like the first film, this one has some classic scoring done by Daft Punk, who make a cameo appearance in the film. It was a combo of Hans Zimmer and their music. Needless to say I was loving it, even if it seemed comical at times. I can only imagine how odd it may sound 25 years from now.

Now onto some odd musings about the film. Since this is a digital world made up of programs, why is there such a sensual element to all of the people? I doubt they reproduce... what is the point of all those crazy tight clubbing outfits and make-up? In fact, why do programs even go clubbing? I suppose its because they are a reflection of the users who designed them and their AI is based on our gender roles and attitudes?

My favorite part of this film is hands down THE BACHELOR PAD. If I ever get a billion dollars, I want a huge condo at the top of a mountain with backlit flooring and a digital screen on the porch. I nearly cried out with anguish when I though Clu was going to trash the place.

This is a visually dark film. 3D requires an even darker than normal theater making this a 2 hour dark-fest. Perfect for a wild date night or a nap. SO DON'T SEE THIS IN 3D. I DON'T RECALL ONE MEMORABLE 3D EFFECT. I AM SICK OF HOLLYWOOD SHOVING THIS TECHNOLOGY DOWN MY THROAT!!! Unless you are James Cameron and spend 10 years making a movie to have consistent bona-fide 3D effects don't bother. I'm never paying the extra $5 again.

On a whole, I was a bit disappointed in this flick, but the action sequences, style and music still make it one of my favorite movies of the year. The door is wide open for a sequel that could deal with the idea of digital intelligences and the virtual world merging with ours. THAT is the movie I'm looking forward to... assuming someone sits in front of one of those digitizing lasers again.

Crippled & Alone

2010-12-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

I recently related the tale of my first date with the Boss and was asked the subsequent question: How long did it take you to fall in love? My answer:

"It only took a few sips of the Kool-Aid to get me hooked."

Last week I traveled for work and wound up missing my Kool-Aid and just when I got home, it had to leave. The Kool-Aid's reasons for leaving are very good and I'm glad she's helping others in need, but I miss my sugar all the same.

So with reluctance I took her and the Gator to DIA before sunrise for a 6AM flight. Once I got home with # 1 & #2, I decided to pick up the house and fill the Mr. Mom role with dignity.

Then it happened.

I slipped down the stairs and in a flash of dexterity, caught myself at the landing. I was pleased with avoiding an EPIC FAIL and proceeded to pick up the house. However, I noticed my lower back was a bit sore... after a hot shower it was worse... by 10:00 AM I was at Walgreen's buying a back brace, Bio-Freeze and Epsom Salts. I popped 4 Advil and pressed on with work.

Later that night I tried some stretching and heat. Then the pain became terrible and for some crazy reason I started watching a show about the rise of the 3rd Reich. (I have a bit of a masochistic streak). I decided not to tell Kool-Aid about my affliction since it would only make her feel guilty. Of course, the Lizard told her that night on the phone and I got a ton of advice.

The next 18 hours were pathetic. Some examples:

I actually took a bath in Epsom salts hoping for relief. I probably should have drunk a vial of Lion's blood at midnight to get the same results. Being a big dude in a small tub with a bad back is a painful, awkward moment I'm not proud of.
I needed help with basic things like picking up items off the floor, putting on socks, pants, etc. Had Kool-Aid been here, her help might have created some endearing, bonding moments. But asking your 7 or 9 year-old kid just makes them doubt your ability as a provider and a man. No father ever wants to hear his kid say, "I feel sorry for you."
Stealing my kid's full body pillow so I could sleep with it between my knees and ankles.
At the office I had to use my golf putter as a cane to get around without falling.
My financial planner took pity and delivered a tube of Icy Hot to me at the office.
In general, everyone who sees me goes "awwww" are you OK?

I'd had enough. I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life and had a dude put my legs in positions that I'm not sure they've ever gone before. He essentially told me my injury wasn't that bad and to quit being a total pansy. As a parting gift they hooked me up to some electro-muscle-stimulificator on my back. That was EPICALLY AWESOME. I should be thankful for being smitten by the universe at a very busy time of the year with high work stress and medical problems. The Ghost of Christmas Back Pain has helped me see the light and realize; all I want for Christmas is a tall glass of Kool-Aid and no help from my kids.

If I Were a Fisherman

2010-12-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

This video sums up what my career would look like if I became a professional fisherman.

McFired

2010-12-06T18:55:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!! Just heard on the radio that "McMastermind" is being released by the Broncos. Owner Pat Bowlen cited results and the direction the team was headed. I'm no football expert, but these two issues weren't just reasons to fire McDaniels, they were practically blood on turf of Mile High screaming for retribution!

Results - Since the mythical 6-0 start, the team is 5-17 the worst streak in the modern era for the franchise. Results? indisputably horrible.
Direction - This is the big one. We had a perfectly good offense when this guy came to town and a sub-par defense. Fix the D, tweak the O and get into contention right? Wrong.

Why not get rid of anyone that looks at you funny or says Shannahan's name without spitting afterward? - Done
Get rid of crybaby franchise quarterback? - Done
Trade away best receiver? - No problem
Get rid of punishing runner and draft picks for male model who makes more than the starting quarterback? - oh yes we did
Spend 1st round pick on questionable QB to back up sitting duck and male model? Why not?

Whew! After all that drama, the QB position is finally buttoned down.

Use other 1st round pick on receiver to replace Marshall? - Of course. We can fix the defense with veterans that wear out after week 7!
Pick up / retain as many aged defenders as possible? - Done and Done. Average age over 30!
Improve the defense - Nooooooo.... We'll get to that in year 5 after fixing the terrible offense inherited.
Cheat to win games with SPYGATE II... uh... YEAH!!!

Bowlen said, "The decision to make a change was extremely difficult but one that needed to be made for this organization and our fans."

Well said Pat. It appears the lights are still on. Good luck firing this guy with clause and getting your money back. Thank you and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Tangled & Choked-up

2010-11-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Disney and the Princess movie are back! [Did I just say that?] This movie is outstanding entertainment. El-Burr and I just went to see this on our daddy-daughter date and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I don't think Disney has put together a movie of this caliber since Beauty and the Beast. The songs were very enjoyable, clever and Alan Menken did a fantastic job. The animation seemed flawless and the visuals were beautiful. MAXIMUS the stallion kept me laughing throughout. Go ahead and poke fun at me. This is a classic. [Am I still a bit excited over a princess movie?]

Any cons with this film? Only one...

I'm sick and tired of getting choked up in these Disney/Pixar animated cartoons. At least these 3-D movies come in a very dark room. I did my best to suppress my sniffles so the random dad next to me wouldn't elbow me in the face for being such a pansy. The boss wasn't there so I got no wife points, and I'm pretty sure most little girls find these "awkward" moments as a sign of weakness and I'll loose my disciplinary power. But thankfully no one seemed to notice. Between that boat sequence and the end, I was a mess.

On a whole, this movie represents Disney finally catching up with Pixar magic and Shrek humor and hitting a home run. Two thumbs up, 4-stars, slap-my-knee and call me silly, feel good movie. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Deathly Hallows Part 1

2010-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

Get out your oranges and water bottles. Its half-time in the DEATHLY HALLOWS SAGA. HP&THD 1 is a great film. Should it be enshrined in the Pantheon of great movies on its own? No. But for the role it plays in the franchise, I couldn't expect much more.

The action was well done, pacing kept me interested but never overwhelmed. By breaking this into 2 parts, more time was spent on character development allowing the film to convey a bit more emotion than some prior installments. Having read the books, I'm more interested in adaptation choices rather than the actual movie since nothing compares to the book. ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE SERIES, JUST DO IT. For example, the use of Hedwig was actually a very clever way to move the plot forward without having to explain some complicated ideas from the book.

If anyone is under-used in this film, it is Voldermort. The terror of him being summoned by death eaters, hot on Harry's trail made for some of the greatest suspense in the book, but that element is lacking in this film. Especially at Godric's Hollow and in Malfoy Manor. But I've come to accept the movies will never be as good as my imagination and I'm still quite pleased with the end results. Plus, let's not forget that down the road, the HP series will go to Blu-ray and have extended editions, similar to LOTR, which I really enjoyed.

The only genuinely lame thing in the movie is the Harry/Hermione NCMO. That could possibly be the most surprising thing I've seen in the movies. Just seemed completely off key with the spirit of the books. I read that David Yeats told the actors the first take was too chaste it needed to be more "pagan and mad." Right... I'd rather they earn a PG-13 with more of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named rather than tawdry naked necking.

I was considering taking the Lizard to see this, but after this first viewing I don't think many kids under 10-12 would handle it well.

My favorite thing about this film? The humor! Despite this being the low point for our protagonists, there were plenty of laughs and I think that is why I liked it better than installments 5 and 6. The final act should give the last 1/4 of the book all its due and I'm really looking forward to it. So I'll keep pounding the orange wedges and see you next summer.

More Trailer Mash-ups

2010-11-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Tanks to Mr. D. 'nother great "trailer" fir Dumb & Dumber has been brought to mines attention and I now share it wit yall:

But this one is just SICK:

And finally, the real Jane Austin Plot to her timeless classic:

Hope you all enjoyed this sampling. Now go eat a cheese pie in your dog house.

The Dog House

2010-11-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've seen this before, but the Mac Daddy recently brought it to my attention again and I now share it with you.

Perhaps some of you are disappointed that I don't have a bunch of misogynistic things to say about this. I heartily disprove of the idea that buying diamonds should make prior transgressions go away. This leads men to think women are whores that can be bought off at the right price (http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2010/02/stop-patronizing-me.html).

Personally, I love the brainwashing voice in the background and the cheese pie joke. Classic. HAPPY SHOPPING SEASON EVERYONE!!!

Superman Quits AKA Megamind

2010-11-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Welcome back gentle reader for another edition of my fried froth on mainstream media. Yesterday in an attempt to save money, I exploded the back window of the Acura. One could say I was at fault, but I've come to the conclusion that everything connected to a major financial decision that took place in Las Vegas is cursed. So therefore, Las Vegas destroyed my rear window yesterday while changing the lifts. I shall not elaborate further. One must use creative thoughts to discover how I did it, where... and with what!

Thanks to a planned multi-princess ride through downtown followed by dinner at the carb factory, it had to be fixed ASAP. So I made an appointment at a shop and took kids #1 and #2 with me, thinking it would only be 20-30 mins. WRONG. I was told over 2 hours. I had to think quickly. I was near the hood with small children and nothing to do for 2 hours. What did I do to burn time? Walked around the corner and took the kids to see MEGAMIND. But after watching the film, I think it should be called: Superman Quits. Remember Superman Returns? The plot for that film should have been made from the plot of Megamind.

From the trailers most of you know this is about an adorable evil genius who thinks he's destroyed his nemesis Metroman. Alas, without opposition in all things, Megamind realizes his life is nothing so he creates a new hero to battle but fails and makes things worse. But thanks to the help of an intelligent, good looking woman he finally does something right and saves the day. Yes.. All thanks to a female journalist. And Bryan Singer thinks Superman was inspired by his father. BAH! Here is the truth of the matter:

"She is not to write, or fight, or build, or compose scores; she does all by inspiring man to do all. The poet finds her eyes anticipating all his ode; the sculptor, his god; the architect, his house. She looks it. She is the requiring genius." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anyone care to dispute a man with the intellectual guts to live in isolation by a pond for a year? I didn't think so. OK. I'm done with this tangent.

Imagine the movie SUPERMAN QUITS. Supes is tired of defeating his enemies and quits deciding people need to solve their own problems. But after a failed year on a street corner in Nashville playing in his underwear, he departs for Krypton, pleased that Lex Luthor defeated his evil creation (following the megamind plot) and won the love of the people, eventually becoming president.

I still have no idea what could have been done with the kid in the Bryan Singer Superman Returns film so I'll remove that from my new plot and destroy nearly the whole concept of that film. Here is my idea... Christopher Nolan eat your heart out.

Superman realizes upon his return to Krypton he did not fulfill Jor-El's real plan for earth. He decides to return and clean house, ushering a new era of peace on earth. He uses his super radio to tell Jimmy he is on his way back to earth to fight for truth, justice and His Way. Jimmy now works for the only viable newspaper on earth, The Daily Prophet. (Thanks to magical funding after the demise of You-Know-Who). Once the Prophet announces the return of Superman, riots break out. Few people want him back. Everyone loves President Luthor who keeps reminding people of the senseless destruction Superman caused to save kittens from trees and Lois Lane from driving off a cliff. He threatens to kill anyone who wants Superman to return and war erupts because Israel and Tea Party Activists figure he is the best chance they have from being wiped out by a super coalition of al-Qaida, Hamas and the Green Party organized by Luthor. Superman watches and listens from afar on his return trip and his wrath is kindled as violence reaches a fever pitch. He returns and destroys the earth with heat vision while using his "fix the great wall of china" power to raise true supporters above the flames. The earth is formed anew as a sea of crystal (Krypton Style) and Superman takes up residence near his old home in Kansas. There, he builds a new city and those who remained faithful to him inherit the earth and all of Superman's new kryptonian technology.

THAT my friends is an awesome movie. If I had $500M I would have it made. In two parts. But I don't have the money. So the idea will live in obscurity on this blog. Just look for the red cape when everything bursts into flames. I'll see you all in the sky.

Most Interesting Man vs. Chuck Norris

2010-11-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

I just had an epiphany this morning that these two guys are famous for having a ton of amazing facts attributed to them. See if you can separate which facts go with the correct bearded wonder.

1. He lives vicariously through himself.

2. He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

3. He can do a wheelie on a unicycle
4. He is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5. He has counted to infinity - twice.
6. He never says something tastes like chicken – not even chicken.
7. He’s been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room.
8. He can slam a revolving door.

9. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.

10. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.

11. He doesn't have life insurance, the insurance companies pay him to spare their lives.
12. Once, he won the Indy 500 using Fred Flintstone's car.
13. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.

14. Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear...he sleeps with an actual bear

15. Some magicans can walk on water, he can swim through land.
16. He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.

17. He can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

18.When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
19. His shirts never wrinkle.
20. When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for him.
21. He is left-handed. And right-handed.
22. If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
23. He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library, and it is said that he never once alphabetized it.
24. He once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
25. There used to be a street named after him, but it was changed because nobody crosses him and lives.

26. He doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

27. You can see his charisma from space.
28. When he does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
29. He can cut through a hot knife with butter
30. He was bitten by a snake. Three days later the snake died.
31. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
32. He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me.
33. If a monument were built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close… due to poor attendance.
34. His blood smells like cologne.
35. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals he allows to live.
36. He made a Happy Meal cry. (No fries???)

37. He once won a staring contest with Medusa.

38. Whenever he tells a lie it instantly becomes Fact

39. His organ donation card also lists his beard.

40. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.

41. He destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
42. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
43. His reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
44. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.

45. There is no chin behind his beard. Only another fist.

46. His hands feel like rich brown suede.

47. He once taught a horse to read email for him.

48. He can divide by zero.

49. He once brought in $13 million at a charity bachelor auction, which was a lot of money at the time.

50. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores.

51. He can speak Braille.

52. Lime trees bear fruit on his command.

53. He once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Answers:

1. MIM

2. MIM

3. CN

4. CN

5. CN

6. MIM

7. MIM

8. CN

9. MIM

10. MIM

11. CN

12. CN

13. MIM

14. CN

15. CN

16. MIM

17. CN

18. MIM

19. MIM

20. CN

21. MIM

22. MIM

23. MIM

24. CN

25. CN

26. CN

27. MIM

28. MIM

29. MIM

30. CN

31. MIM

32. MIM

33. MIM

34. MIM

35. CN

36. CN

37. CN

38. CN

39. MIM

40. MIM

41. CN

42. MIM

43. MIM

44. MIM

45. CN

46. MIM

47. MIM
48. CN

49. MIM

50. CN
51. CN
52. MIM
53. CN

Scoring:

1-10: You are so pathetic even Chuck Norris won't kill you.

10-20: Rain clouds follow you.

20-30: Most average people think they are better than average. You are not.

30-40: Perhaps you could scratch their beards without turning into a pillar of salt.

40-50: Congratulations! You've spent way too much time filling you head with useless facts.
50 + : You must be the Cougar Abogado heaping shame on a lowly blogger who doesn't check his work.

Here is a discussion debating who would actually win a fight between the two:

http://www.dallasdancemusic.com/useless-blabber/302979-chuck-norris-vs-most-interesting-man-world.html

The Social Network & 2D Quidditch

2010-10-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

Movies and games involving nerds... WHO RULE THE WORLD.

theFacebook - Any film that scores a 97% on the Tomatometer is probably worth seeing. The Social Network is definitely one of them. As an old jock who used to rip on nerds, I found this movie to be HYSTERICAL!!! I was cracking up the whole time. This movie will win you over in the first sequence with Zuckerman and his girlfriend. Next during the credits at the beginning I noticed the music credits included TRENT REZNOR. As in the crazy guy who led Nine Inch Nails back in the 90s. Much more than the unexpected comedy, the scoring blew me away. The music made nerds writing code at 2AM look cool. Yes. You just read that. This guy's music makes a 36 hour programming binge look cool.... I'm still astonished.

I'm CEO, #$^&! - You have my minimal attention.

Beyond these elements this film was an excellent portrayal of capitalism. One guy had the skill and drive to pull off a great idea. As in many cases the germ of the idea came from someone else who didn't have the ability to execute it (the twins). Next the initial business partner had some useful start-up money, but ultimately did not have the connections and the savvy to push the site to Google-like status. This is where Mr. Napster plays his role beautifully. Each flawed individual brought certain talents to the table, but while pursing the most ruthless course to achieve the greatest profit, the consumer got the best product. It may not be pretty, but that brutal cycle has been raising the standard of living for centuries. At least in the modern world the people who get stepped on can "lawyer up" and get their fair share of the spoils. I can hear the Robber Barons rolling in their graves.

2D Quidditch - Check out the video below. You'd think with all the rage for 3D people would reject this sport outright. I just seem to be on a roll with NERDS today.

NEW FLASH BRYANT GUMBEL!!! This game already exists! Its called Lacrosse. Only these guys have some tool running around in yellow outfit and are throwing dodge balls instead of rightly beating the snot out of each other with shoulder pads and sticks. Here is a brief background on the history of Lacrosse.

"Lacrosse is of the oldest sports in North America. The game's roots can be traced back to Native American religion, lacrosse was often played to resolve conflicts, heal sick people, and develop virile, strong men. To Native Americans, lacrosse is still referred to as "The Creator's Game". Lacrosse was considered by many native tribes to be wonderful training for war -- the Cherokees even called it "the little brother of war." Teams would sometimes consist of many hundreds, or even thousands, of players. Goals were quite often miles apart. Games could last as long as 3 days. Most players were unable to get close to the ball, and so took to concentrating their efforts on using their stick as a weapon."

Yes. In the real sport, you actually use the stick, not run around with it between you legs pretending you are flying. But the biggest problem is the lack of 3D. Unless you can actually fly this is just a poor version of Lacrosse and dodge ball mashed together. Could this be done in a large pool with a remote controlled snitch powered by a small but effective propeller? That could be interesting. But it would take way too much effort and resources. So in the meantime, the wizarding world will continue to mock us pitiful muggles as we struggle to emulate magical games with our filthy blood.

A Real Food Blog

2010-10-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

The Boss is always looking at these fancy-pants, cooking blogs but thanks to SDMADog, I've one upped her. BEHOLD!

A true Jedi will know about the blue milk

Time to put that "Pioneer Woman" and "The Girl Who Ate Everything" to rest and bring justJENN into the kitchen. http://justjennrecipes.com/foodbuzz-24x24-the-ultimate-star-wars-party/2010/10/04/

Punitive Parking

2010-10-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was headed into DIA for a flight and for the first time in my traveling career, I found the economy lot full. I drove around for about 15 mins looking for a space and waited another five in line to get out at the toll booth. I was already beginning worry I'd miss my flight and was in a tense mood. When I finally got to the booth, they dinged me $1.00 for being in the lot for less than 30 mins.

... WHAT?!?...

Toll booth lady said I could file a complaint if I wanted to and likely will. Most sensible parking lot/garages have a reasonable policy that allows for accidental entry or time under 15-30 mins. No such luck here.

You may be thinking this is not a big deal. 1 buck. Get over it. I beg to differ. I've been pumped full of ads from McDonald's Wendy's and Burger King that my dollar is the most powerful amazing thing on the planet! All joking aside, this is not about money, its about getting slapped in the face.

Q: Why are you slapping me in the face?
A: Becuase I can. [Grin]

Although I've previously predicted that Arnold Schwarzenegger will become the anti-christ, I love a statement from him about taxes.

"I am in principle against taxing, because I feel that the people... have been punished enough from the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they are taxed. Then they go and get a coffee, they are taxed. They get into their car, they are taxed. They go to the gas station, they are taxed. They go for lunch and they are taxed and [it] goes on all day long, tax, tax, tax, tax, tax. So even when they go to bed, you can really go into the bed and fear that you may be getting taxed while you are sleeping. There's a sleeping tax. This is crazy."

Don't forget the punitive parking lot fees. I should say this isn't just a rant on taxes. The corporate world is full of fees that are terrible too, especially bank fees. I've already given them all my money to invest somewhere else at a higher return. In return I have a safe place to keep my money and get ATM cards, etc. I thought we had a good relationship. But must I be slapped with extra fees and say "Thank you sir. May I have another?" If DIA is that hard up for cash, they should find a legit way to provide better service that merits higher revenue, rather than annoying the daylights out of travelers.

To Heck with Halloween

2010-10-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Its seems this is becoming an annual tradition for me to bash on Halloween. But I have good reason this year. It falls on a Sunday. Name me another American holiday that is not compatible with Sabbath observance!

This year I actually was looking forward to Halloween so I could be the MIND CONTROL guy from dinner for Schmucks with the partial turtle-neck. I was even going to get a fake beard. But now I don't care and I've seen the light. Here are some great quotes from an article on why the celebration of this holiday is flat out wrong. http://laststophell.com/hell/halloween.html

"Consider for a moment the symbolism of Halloween. What has that symbolism to do with the true God or Christianity? The symbols of Halloween are blackness and darkness. These are symbols of Satan. God is light and there is no darkness in Him (I John 1:5). Does the symbolism surrounding this holiday reflect what God would appreciate? Does this holiday, with it’s dark symbolism, seem like something God would accept from us? Would Jesus Christ celebrate Halloween, considering its symbolism and images?

Halloween is the very antithesis of Christianity. Jesus Christ tells us in John 8:12, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." God further tells us, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" (Isaiah 5:20)."

Now consider Christmas. I'll freely admit it is full of Pagan symbols, but at least we can find good meaning in them that lifts and inspires us to believe in Christ. Can we really follow the 13th article of faith and celebrate this festival of death, lasciviousness and darkness?

"If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Yep. Halloween is completely, utterly and totally evil... AND WE LOVE IT!!! I'll see all of you at the trunk-or-treat and any costume party I may be invited to (maybe not after this post). So happy Halloween and here's to hoping God will only beat us with a few stripes for celebrating it.

Gets Better With Age

2010-10-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm fresh off another Saturday night at Priesthood Session. What a great meeting. As and added bonus, I got to take a younger friend with me. I was sitting there listening to the Apostles, I thought about how I used dread these meetings when I was my friend's age and what has changed since then.

Let's face it: When you are 12-18, taking your Saturday night to go listen to a bunch of old guys talk in the dark seemed like a major dent in the ol social life or video game schedule (depending on how cool you are). I faithfully went with my dad when he was alive and I didn't harbor any truly ill feelings and I knew it was the right thing to do, so I went. It gave me a chance to ask my dad crazy questions like, "If God wanted me to, could I shoot lighting from my fingertips?" The ice cream afterwards wasn't bad either. I'm grateful that at a young age the habit of doing the right thing was instilled in me; even if I hadn't figured out the right motives yet.

But now I relish these meetings. I love the feeling of fraternity with the other brethren present as well as "The Brethren." For the last thee outings I usually exclaim within myself, "its a shame the boss is missing this!" But she and all womankind are so wonderful they don't need it I suppose. There are some obvious reasons this meeting is better for me now:

More maturity (cough - OK just a little bit)
Served a mission - changed my life
Have kids so I'm eager to be better
Women - I want to be the kind of Priesthood holder my wife and mom think I am

But how about this?

I'm at a point in my life where a meeting with no kids crawling on me is a treat. I can actually think and feel the Spirit. I often find that some of my best insights come in meetings like this while I'm actively listening, but then I have an impression about something else in my life and I'm truly inspired and fed by the Spirit. I've got that: "I'm never gonna do anything wrong!" feeling again. Sad to say it often fades, but I'll do my best to keep it around.

Another thing that has followed this pattern is golf. I'm HORRIBLE at it, but for the peace and quiet factor, I really enjoy it. I'm sure fishing would qualify, but I haven't done much of it lately.

And finally, I must say Love get better with age. You can shoot me down for pandering to the Boss (who doesn't read this) or being a greasy schmoozer, but if any of you know me, that's not my style. The longer we're together the more she becomes a part of me. My kids as well. Its no wonder God loves us so much if he's spent that much time with us. I heard a great line from a movie I saw lately where a husband confesses to his wife who thinks he's no longer interested, "You're the air that I breathe!" Just because the initial flame is no longer 20 feet in the sky, the bond that develops over time is truly a wonderful thing. Hopefully I never take it for granted.

Small wonder I'm looking forward to a retirement filled with golf, fishing, cheese and a whole lotta time with my wife, kids and (I'll say it) grandchildren... and let's not forget Priesthood Session.

So to any struggling Deacon, Teacher or Priest, hang in there... you may be surprised 10 years from now.

Anemic

2010-09-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

Ticked. I'm straight up ticked off. If I told you the Broncos would throw for nearly 500 yards in one game and have only 1 TD on offense you'd think I was crazy. Seriously. If you can torch a team for that much through the air there should be some room to punch in the ball in the red zone. I'm gonna get out my Nostra-Fletch-a-Damus beard and hat and predict here and now: THIS IS A BAD OMEN FOR OUR TEAM.

I know it was the Colts, led by football cyborg Peyton Manning, but they were very beatable yesterday. "But they are who we thought they were! And we let 'em off the hook!" - Well said Denny Greene. When a team can only rush for 47 yards (10 on one play) and has to make some white guy from BYU their star receiver and they still win on the road... its a bad omen for our team.

[Truthfully, I'm happy Austin Collie is doing well in the pros, but COME ON MAN!!! Must it be against my team?]

How can I possibly be complaining? We lost by 14. Some would say we should be grateful to have lost by less than 20. However, the performance dictates otherwise. Anemia is my diagnosis for our woes. If we had a RED-BLOODED offense, we could be 3-0 right now. But for some reason, we can't score from within 20 to save our lives. So anemia claims another victim.

Perhaps it really is some voodoo thing like a Death-eater cursing our running game or the other team wears Red-Zone deodorant and we just fall to pieces at the smell. I don't know. I'm just looking for answers and want to go feed the whole offense 60 oz steaks and spinach for a week and see if it helps. The following video sums up my frustration.

How to End a QB Controversy

2010-09-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

For those of you that wanted an end to the quarterback controversy in Provo, you got it. Here is what the press would tell you about the injury:

Nelson was injured at the Florida State game, possibly after one of the eight sacks BYU QBs received in the game. Nelson had two series and did not come back the rest of the game. http://www.deseretnews.com/blog/60/10010109/Harmons-halftime-Nelson-injury-is-a-tragic-twist-in-a-strange-BYU-offensive-fall.html

We all know the statements above are a bunch of LIES. Eight sacks does not blow out a dude's shoulder. Go ask Sam Bradford. The magic number is two and he found out the hard way. Clearly if Nelson had been injured, he would have come out after the second punishing lick. But he played on, uninjured and the coach was so disgusted with his play, that he pulled him from the game.

So Good it Hurts...

Here is the real cause of the injury. After no definitive statement from Bronco that Heaps would take over as the starting QB, a local 63 year-old Relief Society President couldn't take the pain any longer. Anyone with at least one eyeball knows Jake Heaps is the future of the program. So this inspired woman did what any good Saint of the Ultimate Days would do: She made a Jell-O casserole with a side of funeral potatoes, took it to the team hotel, delivered it to his room, handed Riley the food and while his hands were occupied, she whipped out a pair of steel nunchucks and in a matter seconds delivered six bone breaking blows to his shoulder.

Nelson was so embarrassed that he got worked over by a RS President bearing a casserole that he denied any reports of his assailant. Besides, who could believe that harmless old lady could be so brutal? I know about it because I have a cousin in the Tallahassee 2nd Ward who is friends with the ward clerk that home teaches a guy who has a friend that dates this girl that works at the hotel and saw it happen while delivering ice to one of the "genuinely" injured player's rooms.

Trust me. This was no accident. "His judgment cometh and that Right Soon." Fair warning to anyone else who wants to try a dual quarterback system.

The Sting Part 2

2010-09-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

The continuation of the thrilling saga of reclaiming a vehicle from slavery...

After all of her tough talk, the Boss started to get nervous as we got near the house. After all, this person was trained with guns and who knows what her friends might be like? I knew if the car was there I'd just have to hop out, book up to it and take off before shots could be fired. We sat on pins and needles as we approached the house... and then we saw it... a "FOR SALE" sign.

Once again the rage for satisfaction kicked in. We flipped around, looked in the windows and sure enough, the place was vacant. We took a brochure and called the agent, but no luck. The situation had become more desperate. Was she hiding from us? Was the agent helping her hide? Was he in on a scam? There was still one more address to check. So we drove over there, found a house that looked occupied. The garage door looked slightly ajar. The Boss insisted we try to pull it up and take the car, but I wasn't willing to break the law, especially if we had the wrong address. So we returned home, dejected and devoid of any satisfaction.

At this point I knew I had to get serious so I contacted a repo-man. This dude was straight out of a movie. Ex-cop with slicked back hair, fake cop/repo badge hanging around his neck in a diesel expedition with the lap top out like a cop with multiple Red Bulls. I gave him my file and waited to hear back from him, but 3 days passed and no news. At this point I felt like I had been betrayed by the world and knew I'd have to get crazy to get the car back.

Finally on a Friday, the agent called and said he heard the driver was working as an exotic dancer and gave me the name of the place she worked. At last! I could pull up at 11:00PM hop out and drive way while she worked. But then I looked up the company. NO REAL ADDRESS. Why? It was an escort service. This girl would never be in the same place for long. My hopes began to fade further... I reported all of this to Boss and she audaciously suggested we "hire" her and take the car. We were flat out of options. So with some help, I found the driver on the company website, used a spoof dialer and called the escort service. They were pretty nice on the phone, but I had no idea what to say. I told them the name of the girl and I wanted her to meet me at the motel I was fake dialing from. They wanted to sender her over in the next 30 mins. Whoa! I told them I wasn't quite done with work and I needed more time. So I set it up for 7:00 PM but needed to answer the phone in the room after 6:30 to confirm the appointment. What was the cost? $220 for one hour. With some MUCH appreciated help, I paid cash for the room, called the Repo guy and he said he'd be in the room and confront her and take the car.

We rolled down to the motel and found it to be the perfect location. There was like 10 black dudes on the upper balcony and a bunch of random people hanging around on the lower level and in the parking lot. The Boss and our friend laid low while I met with the repo guy. He said he called the cops and needed to go meet with them down the street. Thus, I had to wait in the room to answer the phone to confirm the appointment since it was now just after 6:30PM. That was some very awkward waiting.

The Motel Room

I was mad, a bit scared but mostly worried this chance would slip through my fingers. Repo guy asked me to call and get some more time, so I made the call but didn't think it through first. I told the dispatcher that I needed an extra 30 mins due to a meeting running late. They said sure, but asked me what number to call. I said call me on the number I'm calling from. Then they said, "isn't that the number you're calling from?" I knew my lie was busted. So I played dumb. "Look, this is embarrassing, but I'm just not ready yet and new to this. Can I get a little more time?" The said fine and I hung up thinking I had blown it. I called Repo guy and he came to the room.

We lamented the failure and all of the sudden I got a text from the Boss saying "she's here with the car." Repo guy flung back the curtains and I instantly saw the car out the window across the street from the motel. He grabbed his file and went booking out the door... at this moment I heard a chorus of oooOOOOOOOoooo!!!! from the upper balcony. I couldn't help but laugh. Everyone came pouring down to watch the action. The Repo guy was a stud. He ran out in front of the car waiving his badge and stopped them from pulling out. They thought they had been busted for solicitation and were freaked out. They told the repo guy that dispatcher warned her it was likely as sting and not to go. Fortunately, she was stupid and went anyways.

She first told me the payments were caught up (LIES!!!). I told her obviously they were not. Then she said she had to have the car for work and it was Friday night. I said I don't care. Too bad. Then she said her grandpa would buy the car... SURE... Finally, I told her "Lexus is in my jockstrap calling me 3x a day. Do you have any idea what I've gone through to get to this point?" We agreed to take her and her "pimp" home let them clean out their crap and we wouldn't press felony charges. The car was back in my hands. But did I have satisfaction?

Here is a list of what was wrong with the car:

Extremely messy. Junk and a film of putrid scum on everything. My heart sank.
They had smoked in the car. It REEKED. I thought about how I had once cherished the new car smell in this vehicle. Now it was utterly disgusting. $300 to detail and de-smoke and the smell still isn't gone.
The real kick in the teeth came next. I had a Cameron moment when I looked at the odometer. 55,400 miles? I turned it over at 17,500???? She drove nearly 38,000 miles in one year?!? I'm already out nearly $2K on over mileage charges. I'm almost tempted to try taking the miles off going in reverse. But I learn from the movies I watch.
The next day I took it to a shop and they noted some performance tires were on 3 of the 4 wheels, but the front right had the spare wheel and tire that didn't match the rest. No wonder it rode like it was on a slant! So I had to order 3 new tires and a new wheel.
Alignment was off so I had that treated as well.
Oil needed to be changed since I figured they never changed it during the 38,000 mile rumpus. I can only assume she drove to Vegas weekly.
The bumper and door of the car still need to be painted and have a crappy spray paint job on them. I suppose I'll get this fixed sometime.
I had to make up late payments and fee of $925 plus Repo fees of $360. Then I had to make an immediate payment on the car for September.

After getting the car back I remarked, "Its like we're sitting inside of a raped body." I felt unclean and the shame of having sold the car into slavery burned into my tender conscience. As Mr. Cobb said in Inception, "Guilt. I feel Guilt."

I confronted the agent with Repo man the following day. He freaked out. Said he had no money to pay the repo fees, late fees and damages. All of which he was responsible for per the contract. Once again, can you enforce a contract? I told him I'd give him 2 weeks to make a payment or I'd press felony charges. I called him today for an update. Guess what? Number is out of service. Next step is to file the report.

To top it off, the day the Lexus was due out of the shop, the transmission blew out on the MDX. Dealer's estimated cost to repair? $4,900. I flipped out. I cursed the car gods and their wrath against me. What do I have to do? Light a bucket of chicken on fire as a sacrifice?

Ultimately, I'm relieved the sting worked and I can get my life back on track. But like Mick Jagger... "I can't get no Satisfaction."

The Sting Part 1

2010-09-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Everything in this post and the subsequent ones are true. I know many of you don't believe half of what comes out of my mouth but in this case I must apply the old adage, Sad but True. So onto the tale.

In an unfortunate way, Morons make the world go round. They allow thieves and liars to take advantage of them so they have "a job" and in this case, I helped the world go round. Sensing it was time to divest myself of the beautiful Lexus I was driving on a lease, I made an attempt to sell it on Craig's List. I was shortly contacted by a guy who wanted to set me up in a sub-lease situation. Seemed like a win-win for all. They would take over my lease and I'd walk away. The contract looked like it protected me and I was confident if anything went south, I'd be able to pursue justice. Once again, I am a MORON. Just because a legal contract exists and is executed, doesn't guaranty you'll be able to enforce it without great costs that may outweigh the benefits.

The day I dropped it off I had a pit in my stomach. I figured I was just on edge because I'd never done anything like this before. Oprah says to trust you gut. I should have listened to Oprah and got the heck out of there. But as a MORON, I went through with it and said good bye [Adagio for Strings playing in the background]. Looking back on it now, I feel like a father who sold his child into slavery. I know its just an inanimate object, but I talk to the cars I drive, name them and I'm ashamed of what I did.

Here is a modified quote from Burton Howard on matters of cars and keeping them safe from slavery,

If you want something to last forever (or until the end of the lease), you treat it differently... You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary... It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more valuable and precious as time goes by.

Alright enough self-loathing. At first things seemed fine. Payments were made, some tickets and tolls popped up, but nothing too unsettling. The guy who set up the contract between me and the driver kept promising they would assume the lease outright, but nothing ever happened. Then in November 09, the payment was late. It happened again in January, February and March. I started calling the agent multiple times per month with no improvement.

At this point the Boss got involved. If I have a weakness, it is for the Boss. The old dueling challenge of "I DEMAND SATISFACTION" is an understatement when it comes to customer service with her. Normally, I will pounce like a maniac when she is unhappy and slaughter all who oppose her. But my inner-tiger was unwilling and soon she was making phone calls. Needless to say, I demoted to "total wuss" status in her fiery eyes. But in the oppressive heat of August after a partial payment in July and nothing on the books for that month, my sweaty angst reached a peak and I could take no more. I demanded SATISFACTION!!! (and the car back). Now things get interesting.

I met the agent at McDonald's and gave him my last link to the car, my remaining key fab. He had it for a week and failed to get the car. Kept saying he was too busy with his son. Don't bring your kids into it. Man that ticked me off. So I demanded the key back and said I'd go get it. During the course of the late payments, I began to research who the driver was, where they lived, worked etc. in case this day came. The agent was such a tool that he didn't eve know her address, he just "knew" where she lived. I had to find her on white pages, run a background check (to be sure there was no history of violence) and that helped me find a myspace page and confirm where I thought she lived. It was time to take justice in my hands. With the Boss at my side and key fab in hand we ventured into a pseudo date night fraught with the anticipation of SATISFACTION!!!

To be continued....

Look Out Obama

2010-09-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

This guy gives one heckuva speech:

It took me a moment to determine if this guy was serious or not. I admit I find the delivery comical, but I'd love to have this kind of passion from public servants when it comes to cleaning up the treasury. Perhaps he's a real serious pee-wee football coach who doesn't know how to use his indoor voice anymore. Maybe he got that masters degree in communications from "THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S SCHOOL FOR COMMUNICATIONS." Seriously. I've seen the ultimate warrior on C-span and other various venues. I'd post his stuff but its laced with profanity. Go find it if you see fit. If it were not so sacrilegious, I'd ask this guy to come speak on food storage this Sunday!

Shoot the Mockingjay

2010-09-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

85. That's what I had to make it through. 85 pages of sheer teenage female angst and whining before this book becomes palpable. I nearly quit reading after chapter 6. But the Rooster encouraged me to keep reading and the second half of the book was good, but I can't get the bad aftertaste of the first half out of my mouth.

Hasn't the world had enough of the incessant whining of Bella Swan and her impossibly wonderful love triangle? For me, the appeal of the Hunger Games is... Hunger Games and the rebellion. Not the force fed Pita-Catnip-Gale love triangle. In the history of love triangles have two dudes ever had worse names? Every Gale I've ever known wears skirts and this guy is supposed to be a ruthless rebel leader? And a baker's son named after a type of bread. If only Katniss was named Fletcher (arrow maker) I could forgive all of the whining.

I'm done with teen angst books: "My life is so unique and complicated! No one understands me. Why am I so boy crazy? I am not boy crazy. Why can't everyone leave me alone? How come I've been left alone? I want to die. I want to live." SHOOT ME!!!

For a moment at the end I thought Collins would one-up J.K. Rowling and actually kill her title character but that would be absurd for "Young Adult Fiction" filled with peda-gladiatorial slaughter, torture and warfare. I must admit that would have pleased me immensely.

So go ahead and finish or start the trilogy. Just remember 85. Trust me, you won't miss hardly anything.

Why This Blog Sucks

2010-09-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

This is a guest post by Edward Khoo. I died laughing when I realized nearly all of this applies to my blog. I'll highlight the ones that sting a little (or a lot) and add some commentary.

If I don't love it, I don't SWALLOW.

You check your traffic every day but all you find are tumbleweeds blowing across the landscape of your blog. Well, there’s a reason you’re not building readership. Your blog sucks.

Most do, and all for the same reasons. The same 10 reasons.

1. You use syndicated content. You can download badly-written articles on the topic of your website at ezine.com, helium.com, goarticles.com and other places on the web. You can cut and paste these pieces on your blog and all you have to do is provide a link back to the author’s site or blog. You can, but you shouldn’t. Without unique content your blog is nothing. Shoot. I guess I shouldn't have copied this article.

2. Your blog is boring. There I said it. Write about topics that interest me, your reader, not topics that interest you. I want you to keep me engaged, entertain me and teach me. Otherwise, you’re boring me. I'm just another random white guy. How vanilla is that? Now... if I cover myself in chocolate I get a lot more interesting.

3. Your blog revolves around your person. Stop talking about yourself already. I don’t know you personally, and I couldn’t care less about your ramblings. Tell me something I can use in my own life. Facts, stories, not boring personal stuff. I pride myself on having no facts and this blog is my Horcurx so I guess I loose on this account.

4. Oh no, not your favorite music on auto-play! So as soon as I access your blog, the ukulele string quartet starts playing? I’d rather hear an accordion band. Don’t add music to your site. Half the people won’t like it and the other half will find it’s a distraction. Yes!!! I finally did something right.

5. You use clip art. I can spot it a mile away. The model smiling, the perfect family spending the day at the beach, the marathon runner – all license free clip art. And with free clip art, you get what you pay for. I disagree. Clip art is SICK. Anyone who can't get behind mass produced art is not worth a bucket of camel spit in the wind.

6. I can’t find the post I want to read. So I have to scroll down through pages and pages to find the piece you posted two months ago. First, even the simplest blog platforms allow for categories and search boxes. I've actually done this to defend prior idiotic statements so I guess I'm safe here.

7. Your writing totally sucks. Oh, not the writing itself. You’ve got a good writing style. Easy to read. But your posts are loaded with typos, misspellings, lost punctuation and other mistakes that signal you don’t care enough about your readers. BURRRRRRRRNNNNNN!!!

8. You’re spinning articles. You might not be using software to actually spin the articles, but you are writing about the same stuff everyone else inside your niche is. This is not as bad as getting content from article directories, as you are actually using your own words here, but it won’t cut it all the same. Write something interesting or go home. Guilty as charged. I don't have an original thought in my head. It all comes from the green little men that visit me when I sleep.

9. You post once a month. How often you think I’m coming back to see if there’s some new, pithy pearl of wisdom I can glean from your blog? If you can’t update your blog at least a couple of times a week, forget about it. I'm guilty here because I'll try to keep my day job and not post for weeks at a time then have a massive output like the last few days. Yes, I suck.

10. Your blog looks like 12023532989 other blogs. WordPress offers hundreds of templates from which to choose. So, if you choose Minima Brown, your blog will look like all the other writers who build blogs using Minima Brown (or Blue). My fingers are trembling. I'm not sure I can continue. Not only is my look ordinary, it is dated. I hate myself and my pathetic look!

Does your blog suck? Well, roll up your sleeves and do something about it. It is still time! Dude. Just because I suck, why on earth would I change? Here are my reasons.

1. Syndicated content rocks.
2. By being boring, I make others seem interesting. I make a difference for people that actually try.
3. Since this blog is a Horcrux I have to blog about myself. No choice here. Even my Horcurx sucks.
7. If I were a good writer why would I be blogging???
8. Sometimes other people just said it right. Get over it or go home.
9. My inconsistency is probably a good reason people don't read. That and oh yeah, - I SUCK.
10. My layout is unattractive. Perhaps this is one thing I might venture to change. Until then, I suck.

Edward Khoo writes about blogging tips and tech stuffs at his blog EdwardKhoo.com. You can also find him on his Twitter account @squall768.

Google Cell Phone

2010-09-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

For my one reader who works for Google.

Vacation in the Trees

2010-08-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month the fam and I took our bi-annual trip to the east coast to visit the people in the trees. The kids played and many touristy things were done:

DC Temple - Went to the visitors center, walked the grounds wit the kids... Commando Cub enjoyed the on-site forest walk. Good thing it was a Sunday and closed or we would have been quite disruptive.
Great Falls - Whenever you visit a place don't question the name to the locals. Upon viewing the "falls" I declared them to be rapids in a river. This didn't go over too well. Not sure why its such an attraction, but on the east coast, I suppose anything that isn't a hoard of trees is notable. Odd note: one of the few times I've gone to a nature site full of people and virtually no white folks.

Smithsonian - Our attempts to visit the Washington monument were foiled and thanks to 97 degree heat and 200% humidity, the kids were freaking out. We finally made it to the American History Museum and the best part was walking in the door and feeling my tax dollars in the form crisp AC. We meandered from there to the Natural History Museum at which point I snuck off to see "YEVES KLEIN - WITH THE VOID, FULL POWERS." The name alone made the trip meaningful. Since I was wearing a deep blue polo, I felt like I was part of the exhibit. I later witnessed the flooding of a McDonald's. Honestly, I liked the modern art section at the DAM better, but then I'm a shameful homer for Denver. One last note: don't ride the train. There is a big man near the exits who shakes you upside down to make sure they got all your money before you can exit.
SICK - Everyone either puked or was attacked by severe rectal vomiting during the trip.
MOUNT VERNON - I'd say this is a must-see if you are going to D.C. The new museum added in 2007 was tremendous and inspirational. It held the kids attention. Heck it held my attention. The sub woofers in the theater literally shake your seat (Yep). The house and grounds were lovely. I'd say avoid the boat ride. Not exactly worth the fee.
OCEAN CITY - Nasty waves, nasty rip tide and me, the nasty dude. My burial in the sand by the children was foiled by my subsequent resurrection, much to the astonishment of curious onlookers.
HERSHEY PARK - I thought it would be small, but compared to Elitch's this was a big time amusement park. Disregarding the tour of the chocolate factory (I doubted they had a waterfall), I set out on a quest. A QUEST FOR FUN! Even though the adults hated me, I made it on 7 of 8 major roller coasters at the park and still squeezed in some parental moments (SUPER VATER). Mr. Gator was a trooper, but eventually ran out of gas. Thanks to my brilliance, the key to the van was lost, but by some miracle it was turned into the lost and found. Thus having avoided utter familial disaster I proceeded to drive back to D.C. arriving at 2AM thanks to my sheer intestinal fortitude.
SLEEP - My theme park heroics were followed with a day of sleeping on various couches around the house and watching bizarre French films on Netflix.

YOU HANGERS!!!

So that was it in a nutshell. I've typed all of this out not because you give a rip about my vacation, but to prove I did something other than work for a week. Had my sister not been at the helm of planning, I would have just played Wii and watched movies. My life is the better for it. Not to mention the obscene doughnuts we had. Now, onto the slide show!

Book & Movie Club - Iteration Whatever

2010-08-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Time to breakdown of my latest reads & viewings. (Can you stand the excitement?)

Brave New World - I took this down via PDF on my iBooks app on my iPhone during my iVacation. Everything is better with an "i" in front of it.After reading 1984 about a year ago, I felt I was obligated to go to opposite end of the dystopia spectrum and get reacquainted with this book. (I must confess I never actually read it in high school). For any unfamiliar with the plot, this book is about a perfect future society that has done away with pain and problems through technology and drugs. A savage man from an uncivilized reservation is brought to the Brave New World and havoc ensues.

While I was reading this I kept asking myself would I prefer to live in the 1984 world or this one? I'd like to think I'm tough enough to fight big brother and survive the Ministry of Love and perhaps change the world; but ultimately I'd probably choose to have a boring job, no family a bunch of ultra 3-D movies and Soma vacations. If I rebelled against the system, I'd just have to go live with some other interesting people and die.

For you LDS people, if Satan had his way and got to execute his plan would it look more like 1984 or Brave New World? Personally I don't think anyone would sign up for 1984, but if we were tricked into it, it would be a way to inflict maximum pain and misery on people so I'd have to vote for that one.

Ultimately, the Savage in the this book goes crazy, whipping himself every time he thinks a perverse thought and commits suicide after some bizarre orgy. So neither science or religion (if they have to be set against each other) comes out looking like a winner in this book. [This doesn't exactly make up for not reading the book in Mr. Fair's class, but better late than never].

Murder on the Orient Express - I listened to this a few days ago while driving to Grand Junction. I knew nothing of the plot and really enjoyed it. I must admit, I didn't remotely see the solution and felt like my brain was a pretzel trying to keep track of the facts. The investigator Hercule Poirot (far more enjoyable than Robert Langdon) is a great character with his sense of humor and wit. After finishing, I decided to watch the movie and see the 1974 adaptation. It was in a word: TERRIBLE. I thought it would live up to Murder on the Nile, but it was dreadfully boring and I fell asleep.

Dinner for Schmucks - I saw the French version of this over a year ago and expected the American version to be terrible, but I was mildly surprised. I often find a movie is worth my time if there is one character that grabs my imagination and makes me laugh. In this flick it was Kieran, the modern artist with "ANIMAL MAGNETISM."

This guy just cracked me up. He seemed vaguely familiar to me and later that night I shot up in bed and pronounced to my befuddled Boss that he was the actor was from the Flight of the Chonchords, famous for their unplugged hit, "Business Time." The mind control guy was awesome too. This movie left me in stitches and wondering who I want to be for Halloween this year.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - If you are prone to seizures, don't see this movie. Its a very unique film, played out like a video game with endless pop-ups and lots of teen angst music. The first 10 seconds of the 8-bit Universal logo and theme song set the stage perfectly. Of course, I loved it. I was even more surprised that the Boss loved it. Perhaps more than me. Some random thoughts as I watched this:

Since when is some Goth chick worth fighting for?
I think the Asian girlfriend was Cho Chang from HP. If so, she was tiny in this movie. That makes Dan Radcliffe even smaller in real life.
Brandon Routh has acted once again!!! Now he is an evil super-powered Vegan bass player. Almost unrecognizable from his days as the man-o-steel.
I need to give up on reality and enjoy the show.
The 1-up, replay was a gamer's delight. Very well done. (you'll have to see it).
The use of Zelda music in several scenes nearly brought my inner child to tears.
This is a perfect example of how Sesame Street empowered a generation of idiots with short attention spans.

Ultimately, this is a very interesting movie. Its very high energy and got a bit tedious (for me) but if you love video games and randomness, this should be in your wheel house.

A-Team - Much better/funnier than expected.

Our Poor Stable

2010-08-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Traning Camp, day 1 and both our #1 and #2 running backs go down with injury. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5438332. And now we're turning to our home grown lard-eater to solve our problems? Something is wrong. Its as though our poor stable of running backs has been cursed. I've wondered about this before in a prior post and called for a public execution of the training staff: http://fletchword.blogspot.com/2008/12/we-dont-deserve-to-win.html. Alas, I have a new theory.

A Death Eater has jinxed the job of Tailback.

Like You-Know-Who jinxing the Defense against the Dark Arts job, our tailbacks have been cursed. But when did this all start? Didn't we used to have the best rushing attack in the leauge? Auto 1,000 yard rushers? When did it all change? I can tell you. The brutal trade of Clinton Portis for Champ Bailey in March 2004. Shannahan believed he was invincible at running back and could plug anyone in there. But this isn't the universe getting even or bad Karma, the real reason our tailbacks are constantly injured is becuase Clinton Portis is a Death Eater who felt shunned by the organization and jinxed the job. Here is a hereto unreleased photo of Clinton at a night club in D.C.

It all fits!! This is why Bowlen inexplicably fired Shanahan!! He knew about the curse and hoped that by firing Shanahan and hiring some arrogant 33 year-old doomed to failure that he could break the spell. But Clinton is more powerful than that. As if a man who wears fluffy fur coats to football games could undo the powerful spell of a Death Eater. I believe the real power of the jinx lies with Bailey. Our poor stable will be cursed until we get rid of Champ who was the reason for Clinton's dismissal. I love the guy, but we sold our soul for him and the Death Eaters have made us pay. I'll be glad to get our stable back when his contract expires at the end of this season.